I was reading this article here in defense of pro-sex feminism. Which led me to this article. When I first decided I was going to be a feminist, sometime when I was 16, I fell into the anti-pornography camp. Pornography exploited women, and encouraged and embraced violence against women. Porn to me was bad. I had never even seen a porn at that point, unless you count that soft core stuff on Skin-a-max. Just on a personal level at that point, I thought sex was a shameful thing, done behind closed doors in the sanctity of a monogamous relationship. Masturbation was a sin, and for those with no self control (I admit it now, I was a sinner). I think this had a lot to do with my Baptist upbringing and my experiences being molested. I thought sex was a horrible thing, and I felt guilty for years that by all accounts I knew things from the age of 5 to 12 that I never should have known sexually, and that I never ever should have ever experienced pleasure from such things, but like most people who have been molested, you learn that many times your body betrays you, and you do experience pleasure from something that is wrong. It took me several years to learn this. I also think that my experiences led to other things I will talk about in another post.
My foray into porn didn't come ironically until after I met my husband. I found his porn stash at his apartment and on his computer. I confronted him about it, and he was unapologetic, which really killed me at the time. I equated his liking porn to him not being satisfied with me, and he equated his utilizing porn to being a horny guy. Needless to say he asked me did I look at porn, and at that time aside from the smutty romance novel, I could honestly say no. Then he told me to go look at porn, and I actually did, and it didn't bother me as much that he looked at porn because I was watching it too. I think was lucky at that time because now they have porn directed at women, not the porn for women, like at Yan's, but actual porn in which for once the woman didn't have corny dialogue, the man had to look somewhat decent, and for which the women did not have to worship the all mighty penis. I felt I was still keeping it real as a feminist, but yet not be sexually repressed. I started reading Susie Bright and Betty Dodson. Even on my blog, if you look at my list of links, I have a link to a adult sex store.
I think I see porn for what it is now, in most cases, which is entertainment and an aid for horny people. I will also venture to say most people get horny, and there is a reason porn is such a huge industry, not all of it appeals to every one, but in porn, there is something for every one.
10 comments:
"...nd my experiences being molested. "
Oh, snap. You too?! Join the (survivors) party.
BTW-- I sent you an email.
Truly awesome post. I have a feeling this is gonna hit closer to home than what some of your readers are gonna like.
Physical abuse works in alot of the same ways. Getting to the point where you tell difference between the knife from the wound isn't easy. I still can't.
Ironically the majority of the women I have dated in my life watched porn far more than I ever have.
I have grown to become more comfortable with my body and discussing sex, especially after being molested as a young girl and then growing up in a southern christian household where sex wasn't discussed and it was something one only did in marriage, behind closed doors (however, I was always curious as to why there was a lot off out-of-wedlock babies running around in the neighborhood, but this may be another discussion).
Anyway, as a feminist I was never a believer in the school of thought that believed porn was evil and oppressive or that men hurt women because they watch porn. I believe in the individual and that individuals make a choice in how they respond to outside forces. Porn can spice up a sexual relationship or hinder it depending on the situation. I know a couple women, I consider feminists (and they consider themselves feminists), that work in the sex industry. They see it as female empowerment to do what they do. Hey, what they do is between consenting adults and both parties enjoy it, who am I to judge.
"... I think this had a lot to do with my Baptist upbringing and my experiences being molested. I thought sex was a horrible thing, and I felt guilty for years that by all accounts..."
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Siditty,
I can definitely sympathize because I too was sexual molested as a child. I am about the same age as you are and I have not had an adult sexual relationship. I think that's why I'm still single but I'm in therapy.
I love watching porn(I have a nice little stash myself). I think it's wonderful, especially the ones made for women. It has helped me to explore my sexually(if you know what I mean) so, when the time comes for me to be intimate with someone special. I'll know what pleases me and that I can experience sexual pleasure without feeling guilty.
Great post.
That abuse_pleasure link you posted had a story under 'related pages' entitled, "I Had My First Orgasm While Being Gang-raped".
It was one of the most disturbing things I've read. 0_0 Did you read it?
Not because of what the title implies, that is understandable. The fact that the woman stayed with her rapist (with whom she had previously had a platonic relationship) for 4 years after the brutal attack and allowed him to pimp her out. I hope that's a fake story! I don't understand the slave mentality some women take up with their abuser.
wow I am totally amazed by how common sexual abuse seems to be amongst black-christian households. all the women in my family (including myself) have been sexually abused. I wonder why is sexual abuse so prevalent and why is the black church so mute on dealing with survivors of sexual abuse?
in response to the article mentioned by TBT, there's the psychological disorder called the stockholm syndrome, in which the captive forms an emotional attachment to their captor.
It is believed that this happens as an attempt for the victim to align themselves with the most powerful adult (the perpetrator) to maintain survival. Symptoms or examples of this syndrome can be seen among survivors of abuse, hostage victims, and others who have been overpowered directly and violently by others.
Yes Miriam, unfortunately I am part of the survivor party. I am still surviving to be honest.
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Casper:
Women do watch porn, they just pretend not to. I know a lot of women into porn. I personally can take it or leave it for the most part, but I am not opposed to it like I once was.
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I know a couple women, I consider feminists (and they consider themselves feminists), that work in the sex industry. They see it as female empowerment to do what they do. Hey, what they do is between consenting adults and both parties enjoy it, who am I to judge.
Purple moon flower:
I agree consenting adults can do whatever they want. As long as no one is hurt, it shouldn't be an issue.
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I can definitely sympathize because I too was sexual molested as a child. I am about the same age as you are and I have not had an adult sexual relationship. I think that's why I'm still single but I'm in therapy.
Iam:
It is funny how different people react to things. I went through waves. I didn't even really kiss a boy until I was 18, before then I was scared to death of the concept of kissing or sex. Ironically I got my first kiss and had consensual sex for the first time on the same day with a random guy, I did it just to "get it over with".
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TBT:
I didn't read all of it, but dang I was like damn the preacher at the church was crazy as hell, and I wonder why the hell he was moved from church to church instead of arrested.
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wow I am totally amazed by how common sexual abuse seems to be amongst black-christian households. all the women in my family (including myself) have been sexually abused. I wonder why is sexual abuse so prevalent and why is the black church so mute on dealing with survivors of sexual abuse?
Minoritygirl:
Not that I defend religion, but in my case it wasn't so much an issue of abuse in my immediate household. I was molested by an uncle, a male cousin, and female cousin. I didn't consider it abuse for years because of the ages at the time of these people. My uncle was 15, my three cousins only 4 or 5 years older than myself. But I am realizing at 15 he knew it was wrong to mess with a 5 year old, my cousins knew better as well.
The only thing religion did to me was make me think sex was shameful and because it "felt good" I shouldn't have told anyone because no one would believe me. I didn't tell anyone until years later. I realize now that they must have been abused themselves, and their response to their abuse was to in return do it to me. I still wonder who did it to them (I don't know for a fact if they were abused, but it only seems fitting)
"It is funny how different people react to things. I went through waves. I didn't even really kiss a boy until I was 18, before then I was scared to death of the concept of kissing or sex. Ironically I got my first kiss and had consensual sex for the first time on the same day with a random guy, I did it just to "get it over with".
Siditty,
I have considered the random guy thing just to finally get it over with, but I really need to feel safe and secure with the guy I am going to be with.
But I'll tell you this, my favorite place to go once a year to celebrate my birthday is Las Vegas. I love going to the Rio hotel to see the Chippendales, these guys are perfect, I mean perfect. Since 2004, my goal has been to have sex with one them and I've had the opportunity everytime I've been there, but I just cant seem to get up the nerves.
It can be very fustrating for me at times, but... I do have my porn stash for now.
I just wanted to thank you for putting up the link to that website.
WOW! That's some really eye opening stuff. I really appreciated all the healing from sexual abuse discussions, as well as the religious ones. I spent literally hours pouring over content on that site. Thank you again.
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