In my post about child rearing I shared with people my pain and depression I suffered through when I miscarried. Many suggested I look into some form of counseling to deal with my grieving.
I know this sounds awful, but I don't know if I can handle therapy. I was always told that it was something white people do, and if you do it, you are crazy. Ironically, one of my friends is a counselor, and we often talk about black people and therapy often, because she says it is frustrating to her that there are black people with my warped mindset about therapy. I have gone to two therapy sessions in my life. It was to talk about the sexual abuse I endured. I don't think I actually ever opened up. I never gave details, I never explained my reactions to it, and I was pretty much a quiet person with not much to say, which is a complete and utter miracle, I always have something to say. I don't think I have ever told anyone the details of what happened. My parents still don't know, my husband doesn't really know (I have said vague things to him in the past) and to add insult to injury my new brother and sister (aka my cousins) are children and niece of nephew of two of my abusers. So I cope with that. I am thankful I have been able to treat them separate from their mother and uncle.
My response to most things is to internalize or turn to other things. When I was younger it was staying chaste, when I went to college it was be a hoochie with guys I didn't even like, after that phase it was food. I go through phases (food and sex) pretty much every six months. No I do not have random sex with men now that I am married, but I use sex to smooth things over. Yeah you are going to have to highlight this, as this is TMI: If he is mad at me, a pair of panties works every single time. I want to smooth things over, so sex is my way to do that for him. If I am mad, I usually turn to sex as relief. Sex is my coping mechanism at times when food doesn't work.When I miscarried I turned to food, and I gained a ton of weight I had just lost previous to finding out I was pregnant. I pretty much became a nun for few months, scared of having sex, scared of getting pregnant If I can't walk away during an argument, I feel trapped, panic, and freak out on occasion. My husband is the first man I have been with to actually not let me walk away. If it was up to me I would have ran away month three into our relationship, but he has stuck by me and is patient with me. To deal with the new brother and sister, so far I am doing great, but then I feel guilt because I knew the type of person their mother was, and I didn't say anything. There is no evidence of sexual abuse in their past, but definite physical abuse. It is my fault they had to suffer.
In terms of therapy I don't like to share that kind of stuff, I don't want people to know, I can freely say things here, because to some extent I am anonymous. But I have aside from the therapist told exactly three people of what happened to me as a child in real life.
It is nice to have all your business out on the front porch like this for the world to see.
Even though with all these issues, it is obvious I am crazy, I feel that I would be extra crazy if I actually admitted I needed therapy to help me cope with feelings. After all did the freed slaves go to therapy. Did Rosa Parks have to have therapy. Black people are strong, just pray and everything will get better right? That is the advice I usually get from black folks when I look depressed :)
My parents instilled this in me, and they still hold this belief. K and T and my parents have therapy (as a requirement during the adoption process) and my parents think it is a waste of time, they think the kids problems can be resolved with discipline and structure. These kids for all they have been through really do need therapy. It is just hard to accept that considering my parents have been raised to think they same way I think (where do you think I got my warped sense of therapy from).
How does one get over this stigma of therapy? You certainly can't tell people you are in therapy, they will look at you crazy and call you an "Oreo".
31 comments:
I'm sure that if Rosa Parks or the our enslaved ancestors had access to therapy they would've availed themselves of it. Actually, I've speculated from time to time as to what would have happened if there had been therapy available after Emancipation. (Not the therapy that was available then, but some cognitive behavioral therapy). I think it would have been beneficial to us as a people to overcome what we endured. Instead, we still struggle with the psychological impact of slavery and Jim Crow.
I get the impression that this blog is very therapeutic for you. Also, keep in mind that a therapist doesn't have to be a licensed practitioner (though of course, I'm biased), but there are plenty of pastors and other counselors who you might feel more comfortable with. Also, it's been my experience that many black people are more at ease with a therapist of color. (Of course, there are plenty who assume that a black therapist couldn't possible be as good as a white one. *shrug*)
I love psychology and study it regularly. BUT, That being said I think formal therapy is a waist of time. I am gonna come under some ridicule for that statment.
I used to be huge fan of therapy but the more I read the less faith I have in it. The reason I feel this way is that no matter what you are still gonna have to do all the leg work. you have make the decision that you want to get past it. The wounds are always there. Time tends to heal alot anyways. It might not be a great idea to try to push yourself to fast especially if your already teetering. etc.
I think what your doing on the net is a pretty damn good substitute for going to therapy. Its at your own pace, and its anonymous (Or semi) Your taking the best part of therapy (which is coping through dialog) and applying to the net.
I really agree with your parents on this one. Structure and discipline go along way.
"a major predictor for dysfunctional families and adolescent delinquency is neither an excessively strict nor an excessively lax upbringing, but one which lurches inconsistently between the two"
I have a mood disorder and a personality disorder so I guess I'm one of the crazy people. LOL
I have a problem talking about my feelings with other people. I'm one of those "keep it bottled up inside" kind of people.
I've tried keeping a journal, meditating, yoga, and praying. Didn't work.
Overall I'm not fond of therapy but I know I need it.
A warpped sense of therapy will surely not do you mind good.
Traditional Africans do not even know the term. Not that the concept does not exist.
I don't share much about my background coz I am kind of private but I got to a point and had to get into group therapy
(No sexual abuse. Thank goodness. I survived that very narrowly).
I was in a 12 step program for 2 years and it was a life savior. I did this both in Europe and Africa. I would recommend it for anyone because its free and I believe its more effective than one on one threrapy. Its alot of work and you have to commit to it.
It was an incredible process and definitely impacted my life.
When should one go tho therapy?
When you feel stuck!
So this business of thinking that its for White people really does no good to someone's mental health.
Why do black people go to get treated for the same diseases suffered by whites but refuse to go for mental therapy? Yet as we know by the black experience in America, we should be the first ones in line.
See how twisted the thinking is?
Siditty,
I am so glad you wrote this post. It addresses many of the issues I deal with as an African American counselor, trying to reach out to more diverse populations. There is a stigma in many ethnic communities against therapy, and some of the historical depredations we as blacks in this country have suffered without benefit of therapy has a lot to do with it. We are a strong and proud people, and there is a perception in the BC that seeking mental health intervention is an admission of weakness.
In addition, the counseling community has only recently addressed the need for cultural competence among mental health providers. Much of psychological and counseling theory is rooted in Eurocentric thought and experience, and this, along with class and economic issues, has long been a barrier between communities of color and the mental health community. Multicultural competencies are being emphasized increasingly in graduate and licensing programs, but there is still much ground to cover.
The simplest way to start is to acknowledge that seeking help is not weakness, but can actually be a display of strength. We avail ourselves of physical healthcare providers when we are ill or hurt, and psychological pain is just as deserving of intervention as physical pain. We honor ourselves by strengthening ourselves emotionally and psychically as well as physiologically, and there is nothing weak about that.
There are many ways to heal, and perhaps for you, this blog is one way to do so. Your eloquent words in this post are a form of sharing and seeking connection that it often takes my clients a long time to work up to, so the feelings and insight are there, and maybe this forum works better for you than a therapy room. But either way, learning to find healthy ways to externalize your pain, fears and needs is better for you in the long run than suffering in silence. I wish you luck in whatever method you choose, and trust me, you are far from crazy. No one as self-aware as you are could be crazy...
Roslyn:
I am sure those folks definitely needed therapy. The black community today is impacted by what happened to those folks all that time ago. Think about it, at least some of them should have PTSD.
The blog is therapeutic for me. I can say stuff here I don't normally say to folks, and I can be a bit more blunt when getting out my opinions. I don't think I could unload all this baggage I have on a person :)
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Casper:
In terms of the kids needing therapy. I honestly do think they need it. Not so much the younger one, he doesn't' remember so much, but the oldest one remembers why she can't hear in her left ear (her mother hit her so hard to cause damage to her hearing), the cigarette burns on her arm, the fact her mother was mean to her. Not to mention both of them were in foster care for two years and were shuttled from foster home to foster home. The youngest was institutionalized in a hospital to provide him stability. They both have a fear of men. They both crave affection, they both are emotionally delayed. I also think therapy is needed to handle the adjustment of coming here from West Virginia and dealing with structure and the possibility of a permanent home is needed.
I don't know how far structure and discipline can go. I can say in their short time here, they have improved significantly behavior wise.
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Boom:
I keep things bottled up inside as well. I then end up exploding and acting a damn fool :) Kind of embarrassing.
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Grata:
I am not sure why there is a stigma of going to therapy. I guess because a long time ago, therapy was something seen as what the wealthy do to cope with stress. I think the stigma stuck with the black community, but therapy was accepted and mainstreamed by others. It really is a horrible mindset to have that you can handle everything yourself, you don't need a counselor to tell you what to do :)
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Winnowill:
Thank you for the words of encouragement and for thinking I am not crazy :)
I have an issue of admitting I need help a lot of times, not just in therapy. I was taught not to depend on anyone, be independent, like lots of other black girls. I just take that mentality to the extreme.
I don't know maybe therapy is something I can look into . The problem is where do I start? How do you find a therapist? How do I determine if I am more comfortable with a woman or male therapist? Do I go to a more "General Practitioner" therapist, or a "specialist" type therapist?
I think your honesty is great. I used to have a hard time asking for help (okay, I still do), but have been working on it. I saw a therapist about four years ago who was terrible - I saw her three times, and she never took any time to know me; she just started shelling out advice that meant nothing to me. She was a 20 year vet.
After a few years, I finally went to see another person - a man, this time - and he was great. I would see him again if I needed to. He was a 25 year vet of cognitive therapy and after a session or two of learning about me, he invited me to read some materials on the pathological critic (he knew I liked to read and would read the chapters he'd copied for me).
This seriously changed my life. I had no idea the behaviors I'd been engaging in were unhealthy or abnormal. I'd been beating myself up mentally for over a decade, but was able to stop it in just a few days. Now I'm trying to apply what I've learned to help my adolescent sis in law.
The toughest part is finding someone you really click with. Try to get recommendations. I found it also really helped to talk to a few close friends about the work I did with my therapist. They were supportive, and my husband has been supportive. You need allies. We're not here to do it alone.
I respectfully disagree about therapy being a waste of time. It can be if going to an ineffective/inappropriate therapist or using an ineffective/inappropriate modality. The effectiveness of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been thoroughly demonstrated and established.
Of course you have to do most of the "fixing" yourself. The same is true of speech/occupational/physical therapy. The goal of the therapist is to use their training and expertise to guide you and encourage you along the best path for doing that, not to just wave a magic wand and declare you "cured".
It amazes and saddens me that so many people are dismissive of therapy but not of taking overpriced psychiatric drugs that are often more effective at causing side effects and dependence than they are at addressing the actual issue. I know such medications have been life-saving for some people, but I am very much opposed to the "Feeling down? Here, take a pill" approach to dispensing psych meds. Off my soap box now.
Also, this is just my opinion of course, but I wonder how much therapeutic effect blogging can have. Writing about an issue is not the same as actively addressing it and taking steps to deal with it. It might be part of the picture, but it's not the whole thing. I think we only need to look at the Evangelical IR zealots endlessly "venting" about black men, for evidence of that.
Also there is no promise of confidentiality or freedom from judgment here. The content is available to all and as we have seen, there are those who would use sensitive information against us elsewhere in the blogosphere.
If you want to go it alone, try some bibliotherapy. Top of my list would be Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns, MD.
I think blogging can be an effective aid and therapeutic. It's much like journaling, which I recommended to some of my clients as a means to clarify thoughts and feelings. Some people simply aren't as verbal or insightful as others. Also, thinking in the abstract can be difficult as well. Writing about their feelings helps them literally 'see' their pain.
No, I don't think that blogging alone will rectify issues, but it can certainly be an effective tool amongst many to help people come to a resolution.
Siditty,
First of all, let me comment on something lareinacobre mentioned in her post about the terrible therapist she saw. Something immediately jumped out at me in that post: "I saw her three times, and she never took any time to know me; she just started shelling out advice that meant nothing to me." This was an instant red flag, as any therapist worth their ethical salt will tell you that our job is not to give advice, but to offer support and guidance so that you can be empowered to make healthful choices for yourself. The first step in therapy is to build rapport with your client. Carl Rogers prized the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client above all techniques and interventions, and regardless of theoretical orientation, a good therapist will take that idea as the foundation of their practice.
There are many different providers to choose from, from psychologists to licensed professional counselors to social workers to marriage and family therapists to spiritually-based counselors. There are even more theoretical orientatiosns a therapist may operate from; some of the most common are client-centered (Carl Rogers), psychoanalytic, (Freud), Adlerian (Alfred Adler), and cognitive-behavioral, which happens to be my therapeutic foundation. All this can be understandably overwhelming. I found a great resource on the web that helps navigate those waters and clear up some of the confusion. I don't endorse absolutely everything mentioned here, but overall, it is an excellent consumer guide for those seeking a therapist. It can be found at the following link: http://www.metanoia.org/choose/index.html Hope it helps. And I am always available, especially as I know a lot of professionals and resources in your area. Just let me know...
Yan: cosign on your post, especially the bibliotherapy recommendation. I utilize it a great deal in my own practice, and I truly believe that books saved my life before I got into therapy myself!
I don't think therapy is a waist of time, just formal therapy. working through you ish is good. know thyself and be thy master.
I 100% agree with what your saying about popping a pill and its all better mantality. Wasn't that the start of the prozak fiasco.
Its true that your not free from judgement here, but its alot easier to dismiss peoples judgments on the web.
Siditty sd: "West Virginia"
AKKKK that is one creepy state!
Siddity,
I'm in therapy and I think its one of the best things I've done for myself. I dont care about what anyone thinks.
Siditty,
Here are some very good free online resources.
Online games to increase self esteem. It might sound silly but it's research-based. And Grata, not that I'm implying you need this, but if you wanted to try these out, you can do so in French. Multitask, baby!
A free self help program to teach cognitive behaviour therapy skills to people vulnerable to depression and anxiety.
And there is also this book, which I have not read, but seems useful:
Authoritative Guide to Self-Help Resources in Mental Health
As for finding the therapist best suited for you, well, Roslyn and Winnowill are far better qualified to recommend a modality for you. But I'm sure you've already looked into your insurance coverage since that's your background. Sometimes significant information about theoretical orientation and areas of focus can be found in the mental health provider listings featured on your plan's website.
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Roslyn,
I agree with your comment about blogging/journaling being one helpful tool out of many rather than a total solution.
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Winnowill,
That book came highly recommended from a friend who's benefitted from that and one on one CBT. I was like, "oh another useless sappy self-help book" until I started looking at some of the research behind it.
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Casper,
It may be easier for some to dismiss critics and whatnot online. Not so much for me. I was anxious about writing about my osteoporosis dx on my blog for fear some angry pro-evangelical anonymous would come along and say something like, "I hope you fall and break your hip!".
Oh, I should add that by pointing out the sex of the two therapists I saw, I didn't mean to suggest that one was superior. I mentioned my male therapist because I normally see only female docs and was a little dubious about seeing a male therapist - only to find him tremendously helpful.
A close friend of mine decided she needed to see someone, but really wanted a female. I asked my guy for a recommendation of someone who was female, excellent, and affordable, and he gave me one. My friend saw her for a few months and benefitted tremendously.
I should also note that while I had a slight pref. for a female therapist, I never went out of my comfort zone by seeing a male therapist.
Hi Sid, when my son was 16, our family were going through hell as a result of his behavior. He was surly, disrepectful. withdrawn and on the verge of violence. At one point I called the police on him at which point the officers9who were White) suggested that I shouldn't place my son in the "system" and counseling would help. Even his father was at a loss to help and guide him.
So we went to therapy. Partly because I needed it too, his behavior was affeting me and I s angry all the time!
Well the first few sessions were joint and then he had private sessions with s social worker. The last session was the final one. Why? She shared that my son was depressed and that he needed medication and that maybe I should back off on pressuring him to do the chores,and let him find his own way! WTF?
This Lady had no idea! Yes he was depressed for reasons only the SW knew, but for him to stop living and following the rules? No way was my son going to be a drugged out zombie, blameless for his actions. I did, however understand that my son was very sensitive and he had trouble dealing with his emotions. The therapy served as a starting point for us to really talk to each other. I instituted Tough Love(Black therapy) and I let him know that I still loved him but he had to grow up to be a responsible man who is accountable for his actions. he can't just give up and take medication and everything ill be alright.
Today my son is charming, responsible and respectful. he knows how to manage his emotions and not srike out in anger.
Therapy did help but to a certain point. As Casper said we still had to do the leg work to change our situation.
Therapy? Weees strong. Go to church.
'And Grata, not that I'm implying you need this, but if you wanted to try these out, you can do so in French. Multitask, baby!"
LOL! What subtlety! I don't want to loose all my neurosises. You gotta keep some drama in your life.
Will check it and see what more I can part with.
We're so adverse to therapy. It's like an admission of CRAZINESS. I find the most impacted BPs are the ones most in need of help.
That's said, therapy does nothing for me. Every time I've gone to one, I've known infinitely more than the therapist. Their feeble attempts at psychoanalyzing me seemed so laughable, sometimes I would visit them to get my kicks. It made me feel superior and haughty, temporarily. Most of them have been white and clueless, though. I did visit one black therapist but she was just as bad.
I've come to the conclusion there has to be some real study on how the psychology of BPs are impacted by a slave history. The current psychological establishment knows nothing about black people and what drives them.
Also, it's been my experience that many black people are more at ease with a therapist of color. (Of course, there are plenty who assume that a black therapist couldn't possible be as good as a white one. *shrug*)
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Roslyn, it's just been my experience that therapists are so textbook-oriented and not geared toward, really and truly seeing the individual sitting before them. That is my biggest beef with therapists. I feel they are compelled to diagnose BPs based on a colorless perspective without taking into consideration the heavy effects of living a black life.
I used to be huge fan of therapy but the more I read the less faith I have in it. The reason I feel this way is that no matter what you are still gonna have to do all the leg work.
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I think it depends on how naturally insightful the individual is. A lot of people lack interiority. Therapy would be tremendously helpful to them.
For some, it's just the opposite. Their lives are probably one big therapy session. That was my situation. I'm always the person seeking to understand. Right now, it's more beneficial for me to do the 'leg work' as you say.
It amazes and saddens me that so many people are dismissive of therapy but not of taking overpriced psychiatric drugs that are often more effective at causing side effects and dependence than they are at addressing the actual issue. I know such medications have been life-saving for some people, but I am very much opposed to the "Feeling down? Here, take a pill" approach to dispensing psych meds. Off my soap box now.
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This is one of my biggest peeves. There seems to be a lot of pride in taking SSRIs to cope with life.
black woman unhinged said:
"Roslyn, it's just been my experience that therapists are so textbook-oriented and not geared toward, really and truly seeing the individual sitting before them."
I have heard this complaint many times, and I think it definitely is impacted by the type of provider you visit. Although the terms are sometimes used interchangeably, there are substantive philosophical and theoretical differences between counselors, therapists, and psychologists. This is why people should do research and definitely have a conversation with the prospective therapist prior to making an appointment. I also think, as I mentioned in my original post, that having a truly multicultural perspective is essential in reaching out to communities of color through mental health. We need more providers of color, and increased visibility, as well as more people talking about their experiences, all of which may help alleviate some of the stigma. The black community is terribly underserved by the mental health community, and that needs to change on both sides. We as a community are suffering physically and mentally as a result. News and Notes on NPR did a month-long series on mental health in the BC last month. The following link is a great interview dealing with the stigma of seeking therapy and medication interventions: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=87985210
More people are challenging the stereotypes and stigma and seeking help. I'm not normally a proselytizer or cheerleader, but I believe in both my profession and my community, and I wish we were not so suspicious of each other. I think it is to our detriment.
This aversion to therapy is one aspect of black "group think" which needs to go, a litmus test of what "blackness" means which does no good and which can if anything, prevent necessary healing.
First of all I have to say that going to therapy is not an admission of crazy. The only crazy people are people who know they have a problem and refuse to get help. Not trying to call you crazy by the way ;) From what I'm seeing you have no major problems. Anyway, I am always the first one to say to my married friends "have you gone to counseling?" Obviously the therapy stigma never got passed down to me lol. Go head and get the therapy girl, when else can you go to a meeting with someone (a few times)and be almost guaranteed you will be better afterwards? Don't you want to be better?
I think the big deal with people going to therapy is that they are admiting that they have a problem and they need someone else's help and that's really hard for most people to accept. I find that if I have a problem beyond my control I get angry and dont ever want anyone to know about it. It makes me feel helpless and like I have no control over my life although I have gone to therapy for some happenings in my life.
DOn't feel bad. i don't do therapy either for the very same reasons. I do have a friend who is a chaplain/psychologist so he comes in handy when u need an imparitial sounding board but when he goes all psych mumbo jumbo on me I'm like,"Hey slow your roll...I want my friend back tell that psych he can go to hell."
lol
I didn't read all the comments yet (so this may be redundant) but:
I think the reason alot of black folks don't go to therapy is for the same reason alot of hurt people don't go:
because they perpetrators can take the body. That, they realize, is too hard to fight against. But the mind!
Its too scary to give up one's mind to the white folks therapist.
I suspect.
Also, Siditty -great topic!
I think this type of abuse can have healing. But if one is not ready to go to therapy you can always do the self-help book shuffle. I used to do that at Barns & Noble. That's were you spy out the self help section (along with other folks in need of that section) then try to get there and have the place all to yourself! lol. Until another one nudges into your space and you pretend you finished.
Seriously, can I recommend two books? Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (Actually anything by Susan Forward)
And, but this one is real work and very heavy- Emotional Resilience, by ??? Viscott. Forgot his first name. THis book attempts to walk you through the natural process of healing from old emotional debt. (old unattended feelings and fears).
I think in this case (sexual abuse) therapy is needed or at least alot of reading just to make sure one doesn't repeat or become an enabler.
Say Winnowill,
Do you give online help? Had to ask.
Miriam,
I have ethical concerns about online therapy. There are venues for it, but I don't think the client's confidentiality is well-preserved enough with present technology. But I certainly am happy to point the way to resources and information online; it can be a great source to start the journey. And online communities, like this one, can offer fantastic support systems!
I am a licensed clinical social worker. If you don't release life events that you've stuffed up in the attic of your mind, they tend to crash through the ceiling, into your neat little house (your life) when you don't want it to. It's not on your schedule. Stuffed life events come back to you by sleepless nights, nightmares, impulsive reactions you don't understand, you make changes in life that shouldn't be made just to keep your mind occupied so it will not return to the unwanted memories. All a therapist does is give you a way to go up in the attic of your mind and clean it out. It's done on your schedule, within a closed office set up to resemble a living room (a good therapist's office). Once these stuffed life events are said outloud and the feelings exposed, it diminishes their effect on you. They are no longer something that controls your thoughts. You are in control of them.Your choices are made clear of what you can do with them.You make the decisions about what you will think about from that time on. The bottom line is: Therapy provides a person that means nothing to you to guide you in exposing your stuffed past out in the open as you say it out loud in a safe environment (no judgements or advice, only provides choices not everyone can think of). The light on these stuffed events makes them small and able to be manaaged.
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