Me and my husband have lived together for almost as long as we have been together. Nine years. We married only in 2003. After we bought a house, after I graduated from college. I still get mail that comes to our house in my maiden name. When I mention this to people, they inevitably tell me how lucky I am he actually married me. I really don't understand that. I understand it is supposedly a sin to living together and fornicate before marriage. That was my parents spin. That and they believed my husband would never truly marry me since he "already had me". I got wedding magazines for Christmas presents for about 3 or 4 years. A traditional Baptist guilt trip.
To be honest though, there isn't much of a difference between being married to my husband and cohabitation. Now we are considering having kids, but that is the only difference that has changed between then and now. I guess I see the divorce rate in this country and figure that breaking up while cohabitating is less messier than being divorced. Oh and we spent a lot of money on a wedding and honeymoon.
Why does cohabitation have a stigma? Do guys really think they are getting something for free when they live with someone? IS cohabitation insulting for the woman? Is she getting played a fool?
19 comments:
I think I come from an even stricter Christian background (Seventh-day Adventist) and while I have nothing against people who are unmarried and live together, ppl consider it pointless to have a change of live (sharing a space) with someone w/o any real reason to (like marriage in the future). Kinda like me having a boyfriend and moving in with him. Why would I do that if there isn't anything supremely happening for sure in our future? I can live just fine in my own space with another roomie and see him when I please.
Every relationship is different but in the past, single men and women (other than siblings) don't usually live together. To do that means someone is giving up something and since men (in the past) earned higher incomes they usually had the woman move in. Or some women would have a natural inclination to nest and having a man ask her to move in is how it usually happens. You get what I mean.
When they then break up as some relationships are wont to do or just segue into friendship, there is no need for continued cohabitation. So in the eyes of society, the woman lost. She is now homeless with no ring.
You see what I mean?
Emeritus:
"Homeless with no ring"
Amen!
As far as cohabitation goes: I don't believe in it. It's never been something I have desired to do.
While it may work for some, it doesn't end up working for the vast majority of people.
In my circle of friends, I have only seen one instance where cohabitation led to the desired result: marriage.
I think unless rules are laid out early, women tend to get played. They take over more of the cleaning, cooking, day to day house stuff; kind of like: Let me show you what a good wife I COULD be. A lot of men don't see it that way; he's got a cushy gig now, why take that extra step?
If you go into it with your eyes wide open, it could work. If you cohabitat out of convenience (?) or as a way to get the ring, you are setting yourself up for failure.
I think people living together before marriage has to be reavaluated, after all, many people are deciding to never get married, thirty years ago that would have been unthinkable.
I was told that co-habitation was not beneficial in the long run. However, I feel that it can work if the people in the relationship have a sense of where they want to go as a couple.
Why would I do that if there isn't anything supremely happening for sure in our future? I can live just fine in my own space with another roomie and see him when I please.
Emeritus:
Our reasoning was this. We spent pretty much every single moment together when we first started dating. I would go to his apartment, he would come to mine. Every day after he came home from work, we saw each other. I would stay at his house until 2 in the morning. Usually falling asleep and getting up and leaving in the middle of the night. We had keys to each others apartments in a matter of weeks. We moved REALLY FAST. He is actually my first and only long term relationship, everything prior to that was pretty casual. It was also a matter of finances. We could get more bang for our buck if we combined incomes. We had a shared checking account within months of being together as well. I look back now and realize how big of a risk that was to do, but I also look back and say it worked out ok for me.
I take a really casual approach to things, I kind of jump into stuff, and I really didn't need a ring or wedding to justify my love to my husband. Our wedding was to keep my parents happy. The ring was at his insistence. Of course too, if it wasn't for him we would have been broken up a long time ago. My response to "disagreements" back in the day, was just to walk away and never come back, but he was persistent :) I think too he has always loved the idea of a nuclear family, something he never really had growing up.
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I think people living together before marriage has to be reavaluated, after all, many people are deciding to never get married, thirty years ago that would have been unthinkable.
C1:
Many people are re-evaluating because I will say this in hindsight, the week before my wedding I completely panicked, marriage says permanent, cohabitation said I could leave anytime I wanted, even though technically when married I could do that too, I had to acknowledge before my family and friends that I was in this relationship for the long haul, which is really to be honest a really scary thing. In total I have lived by myself a matter of three months in my entire life. I moved out of my parents and basically moved in with him (prior to moving in, we were at each others places enough to call it "shacking up"). I do wonder, like my mother told me would I ever be able to live by myself? Am I capable of being alone?
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However, I feel that it can work if the people in the relationship have a sense of where they want to go as a couple.
New Black Woman:
We knew from the get go. My husband told me he loved me on the third date. In a matter of a few months we were engaged, so we knew it would lead to marriage, but to be honest at that age, marriage was a very abstract concept, hard to wrap my head around. It wasn't until we got the house did it really click, wow we need to go ahead and get this marriage thing over and done with LOL
A lot of men do "play" women - a lot of people have fear of commitment. But having the marriage license doesn't mean he's going to treat you any better than he did before.
For my part, I wouldn't live with someone I didn't want to be with forever, but I also didn't date people (for more than a few weeks) if I didn't think I was going to be with them forever.
I don't care whether people live together or don't before they get married. I just wish people would make healthy relationship choices in the first place.
Wow, this a touchy subject. Here's my take on it. Most of time when something is rented its never bought. If your mindset is that you'll play wifey until he drops the "y" you're only setting yourself up for disappoint. If you want to live with each other..great, but I wouldn't take it as a sign that you'll get married unless you're already engaged to them.
I lived with my ex husband for five years before we got married. I don't think he would of married me if I didn't make it clear that I wasn't going to play "house" for his daughter's benefit. The child had been through enough. I told him no ring, no deal. So he married me, but it wasn't for love.
I got engaged to my current husband a week after we confessed our love for each and got engaged. We moved in together three weeks after. Five months later we got married. Yeah, I would also say that things went fast for me as well but it felt natural so I went for it.
I suspect this is old values crashing with new values. People react to cohabitation as they would long long ago, but deep down the reality is that things are changing.
Before I became religious, I was very seriously planning on never getting married. Personally, I didn't want to cohabitate only because I wanted my own safe haven. My own space.
I'm an old head weighing in. I've lived with my future ex husband(LOL) before marriage. We got married ay my insistence since we were functioning as husband and wife and we had children together. Looking back, marriage didn't change the eventual outcome: divorce. But legally and socially, my childen were better off.
1) Access to his benefits
2)Recognition as his legal heirs
3)Stronger ties to his side of the family
4) Common bond with familial
heritage
As the ex-wife, I'm eligile for benefits too.
Living together is great for some, but there is very little legal benefits. Marriage requires both partners to evaluate the meaningfulness of livng together. And the consequences of divorce.I think women(and their children) lose out in the long run if it's only a cohabitation.Even roommates have a greater understanding of of their living arrangement.
I know about 7 couples who started off living together and eventually got married. All are still together. My mom and stepdad being one of them. I don't really see marriage in my future, so I'm not against cohabitiation. You do your thing, I do mine. It's none of my business what's going on in your house.
I guess its a case of different strokes for different folks.
Personally I don't see why I would put my self in a quasi marriage. The stresses are the same but with a highter risk with cohabitation. That is unless you stand to loose assets by being married.
My now husband was over quite frequently but never had a key to my place. Actually, no guy I dated ever had a key to my apt. I liked being able to tell him to go home if I wanted to or keep them from getting in if necessary. Sometimes I still wish I could do that, LOL!
In all seriousness, I never considered living with my husband or anyone else because I saw that as being reserved for my husband, something special just for him. For me, marriage was a big commitment and I wanted to keep some things just for it.
Following the line of thinking of "I am gonna make sure I am married before we move in, because why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" doesn't work either. If the guy(or girl) hesitates about marriage, getting married before shacking up isn't going to change the attitude.
Divorce is so common place now that it isn't something thats as feared as in the 80's and 90's. Men were scared to death of divorce in the 80's and 90's because of alamony, and child support. It was automatically assumed the mother was the better care giver. She could have been addicted to crack and it didn't matter. At that time it was litterally better to kill your wife than to let her take you to divorce court. If you got caught at least you were a free man when you got out, where as after divorce you were forever chained to the EX.
Don't get me wrong. I think marriage is a good thing. And I think you should know your significant other really well before that point. I am glad everything worked out for Siditty and her husband. But, I have a sneaky suspicion that its not an isolated case.
It really depends on the persons involved in their relationship. Before people live together, they have to discuss, if they want to get married at some point. The problem with some people is that they live together and one party assumes that they would get married and when that does not happen. There is confusion and disappointment. I brought in the Christian faith, did not live with my husband, I am now divorced. I hope to get married again and I would still not live with my next husband. I would say, I have nothing to against people who choose to live together, I personally would not. But I wish everyone the best out of their relationship.
I have to weigh in on this subject. My husband and I were living together longer than we have been married. Me and him moved fast just like Siditty did. After 6 mos we were completely in love and ready to move in together. His mother had kicked him out and I needed to get out of my mothers house. Both of us had lived on our own before with roommates. He knew I knew how to pay bills and vice versa. So no we did not discuss marriage, we discussed moving in with eachother. We would just play it by ear. 4 years after moving in with eachother we were engaged, and a year after that we were married. We will have our 2 year anniversary in August. I personally think that everyone should live with their potential lifemate FIRST because alot of problems that come with marriage are not found out until you live with someone. That "why but the cow.." rule seems old and tired to me.
to siddity:
believe me i'm not questioning your rationale. but i am glad to hear your reasons. as for you and your husband, you two have one of those rare kind of relationships. 'i love you' on the third date, account sharing, key to apartments, etc; it doesn't happen often. but i am so very glad that you both recognized something special when you saw it, marriage or not.
I think people should do what feels right to them. Marriage can be a beautiful union. But, it may not be for everyone. Many people have been conditioned to believe that marriage is the ONLY way to live with a significant other. I was raised that way, but I'll be moving in with my boyfriend within the next two years. I don't plan on getting married. A PIECE OF PAPER does not validate two peoples' love for each other. The couple does. If someone feels more comfortable living together I don't see what the problem is. And if you do marry, whether it be in church or in city hall, that is up to the couple. Not society, not family, not the church, but to the individuals involved. If your beliefs play a big factor, then by all means marry. Do what feels right. And let's try to respect other peoples decisions.
I come from a Muslim family (I'm agnostic) and you could imagine the shock of my parents when I informed them that I was dating an Atheist Russian Jew for almost two years, and that I was living with him, and would continue to live with him while in law school (my parents thought I was living on campus at the time).
After threatening to disown me, my parents calmed down quite a bit, but I know they are less than thrilled about their daughter "living in sin." For me, maybe because I'm younger (only 23), I don't see cohabitation as this horrible unforgivable sin, nor do I see it as setting oneself up for failure (aka getting the milk for free). My bf and I are on the same page when it comes to marriage, and we share many common goals (buying a house, getting a dog, having children, etc), but for now, marriage will have to wait until I'm done with law school.
Living with my bf for over two years has taught me a lot about myself and what I value. Even if this does not work out, I do not know that I could marry someone without living with them first.
Most of time when something is rented its never bought. If your mindset is that you'll play wifey until he drops the "y" you're only setting yourself up for disappoint. If you want to live with each other..great, but I wouldn't take it as a sign that you'll get married unless you're already engaged to them.
Ms.ABC:
I can definitely understand the concept of a couple never getting married because the paper makes things so permanent. Me and my husband had a literal four year engagement, we moved very fast. I look back now in amazement and I am so glad things ended up the way they did because Lord knows things could have ended up badly. We were sharing a bank account 4 months into the relationship. I got a cell phone for him in my name a year later. He is paying off my credit cards, paying my rent, and has me on his insurance, and I was the beneficiary of his life insurance policy. Kind of scary if one of us was shady.
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Mysteredancer:
I understand the legal aspects of things. Like I said our reasoning for finally having the wedding came about year three, when we bought a house together. We threw together a wedding and within months we were married LOL.
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In all seriousness, I never considered living with my husband or anyone else because I saw that as being reserved for my husband, something special just for him. For me, marriage was a big commitment and I wanted to keep some things just for it.
Los Angelista:
I like a fool put everything out on the table from the get go, there wasn't anything reserved LOL.
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Chickpea:
I understand you position. I kind of did the same thing my goal was to finish school before I got married. I bought a house in April, Graduated in May, was married by November. That was a big year for me LOL
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