Fetish
Main Entry:
fe·tish
also fe·tich
Function:
noun
Etymology:
French & Portuguese; French fétiche, from Portuguese feitiço, from feitiço artificial, false, from Latin facticius factitious
Date:
1613
an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression
vs.
Preference
Main Entry:
pref·er·ence
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English preferraunce, from Middle French preferance, from Medieval Latin praeferentia, from Latin praeferent-, praeferens, present participle of praeferre
Date:
15th century
the power or opportunity of choosing
I would like to think that my attraction to my husband was a preference. I prefer white men, but I can find other races of men attractive as well. I don't know what it is, but I like guys with pale skin and blue or green eyes. I don't know what caused me to have this particular preference. I assume it was my surroundings growing up. I don't think it is due to self hatred. I've never myself needed color contacts or felt insecure about having brown eyes. I in fact look weird with color contacts, my husband freaked out. Ironically he loves brown eyes.
I also think my husband has a preference. He likes darker skinned women. I don't know if he has ever really dated a white woman before though, I never asked. I know that before we dated he dated black, asian, and hispanic women. I have seen him acknowledge the beauty of a white woman or two. I think he can find white women attractive, but I don't think that he has ever actively pursued the white women he was attracted to.
It seems a lot of black women have fear of the white men who posess a fetish. It is true there are quite a few white males who have a sexual fetish towards black women. Those men view black women as an object rather than as a potential mate. That they want to experiment sexually with a black woman. I don't know if the reason black women are looked upon as fetish is due to natural inclination or the sexuality of black women in the media (music video, men's magazines). I just know I have been approached by men who have asked me to dance for them in a non strip club setting, or have asked me if I wanted to "taste some vanilla" as they wanted to "try out some chocolate" I haven't ever thought to partake in these offers and requests, and usually these guys make their intentions known right from the get go. They want sex, nothing more nothing less.
I will admit though both my husband and I have fetish tendencies. I will admit there have been a few times I have compared skin color when holding his hand. Sometimes it is just out of realization that yes he is very white compared to me being very dark. I don't always think of myself in IR, I think of myself in a relationship. I also go gaga over a pair of green or blue eyes. I have been known to buy my husband clothing that brings out the green in his eyes or make it look like his eyes are more yellow. Yeah he has the weird yellowish/greenish looking eyes depending upon the particular day or whatever he is wearing. He thinks it is weird I pick clothing based upon his eye color. I will also admit that if I was ever to end the relationship with my husband, I would probably date and have a relationship with another white guy. Will it be another white guy who is tall with dark hair and green eyes? Who knows? But my preference is for white men. I am just more attracted to white men on average than black, hispanic, or asian. But I never say never, I would never say I could never date or get into a relationship with asian, hispanic, or black men. I have dated hispanic and black men with beautiful brown eyes, perfect skin, and who were just gorgeous, but beyond the physical, we just didn't click. Gorgeous comes in every race.
My husband I think is the same way. He prefers brown eyes to blue, green, or hazel. He loves my dark curly hair. He openly admits he likes it when I wear the color white, he likes the contrast against my skin. He loves my big booty. But I don't think he would be with me for the sake of being with a black woman, if that were the case he could have been with any of the women before me. Or an asian or hispanic woman. He has never displayed disgust towards white women. He has even acknowledged white women he felt were attractive, but he prefers black women, at least his dating history suggests this. If he were ever to leave me, I think his next mate would be a non-white woman. Maybe not a black woman, but probably someone with dark hair, brown eyes. More than likely someone that is hispanic, or indian (asian) as he loves long dark hair.
I personally think those who have a fetish where this fetish on their sleeve, they don't want a relationship, they want to objectify and they want sex nothing more, whereas a person with a preference wants beyond the physical and is willing to hold out for more than just sex when it comes to dating partners,and they actually want a relationship vs. a one night stand. They don't hide their preference, where as someone with a fetish is more apt to hide their fetish from family and friends. For them it is a sense of shame of not being able to "help themselves" to the objects or people they seek sexual gratification from.
I think many times in IR relationships between black women and white men, black women have been taught that white men could only want them for sex, and I think this causes black women to dismiss white men as nothing more than fetish freaks, using them for sex and nothing more. White men sometimes get a bad rap, and we need to figure out that any man, regardless of race can objectify you or treat you as a fetish. Not just for race, but for other attributes. Your chest, your booty, your legs. The difference is knowing how to look out for guys who just want you for sex, rather than something more.
21 comments:
I too prefer tall, dark-haired, light-eyed men. But I prefer blue eyes among all else. For me it's the contrast between the dark hair and blue. oooh-weee.
All my life I have "secretly" had a crush on white men since I was a girl. I remember making a list of all the guys I had crushes on. Christian Slater was on top of my list at one point.
For me, I grew up on the rough side of Brooklyn, so the only white people I interacted with were police, teachers, doctors, etc. I never had a white classmate until I went to college in PA.
I looked at the black girls who did date white guys on tv or in magazines and they looked like halle berry. I look more like Jill Scott. I don't hear too many white men talking about how sexy Jill Scott is, so I always thought, that's a no go for me.
Then last summer while I was taking a teaching course, there was this white guy in the same class as me,and he obviously developed a crush on me and asked for my number and all but never called back. BTW, he was talking about moving back to where all his family lives (in Oregon) and mentioned going through a messy break up.
Anyways, he was a construction worker. Tall and wiry, like a runner (I usually go for the beefier types ironically), with these pale blue eyes.
I remember I used to catch him watching me during class, it was so sweet. But funnily, I wasn't thinking about dating white, I had already given up on that a long time ago as a girl, and out of nowhere this white guy digs me. Then more white guys, off the street, started trying to talk to me, then I realized, hey there's a viable option, so now I'm open to ANY guy who will treat me right, no matter their color.
YEAH FREEDOM!!!
Interesting post. I am a Black woman who has been married almost 11 years to a white man, my first husband was white as well. Yet as I approach middle age, I often think if I were not with my husband, I doubt I would ever be with another white man. Yet when I was younger having gone to predominantly white schools, I gravitated more towards white men.
I can relate to the whole festish thing, definitely when I was single I met white men to whom it was clear to me, they had a fetish for Black women yet IMO it was easy to identify these men a mile away. Anyway just wanted to say I like your blog.
Great post Siditty. I think any part of the body is prone to a fetishist's objectification - it could be skin, boobs, booty, hair, anything. Some parts seem more acceptable than others.
On preference: I don't know if I have a preference. My choices have been radically different. I tend to like that certain intangible quality.
But if I had to strip it down to pure physicality...I prefer black men. And this is said with a lot of sadness, because they don't seem to prefer me back. White men prefer me more, but I'm very wishy-washy about their pursuit. Eventually they give up. I have a hard time resolving this.
I've been lucky to encounter few white men who were fetishists about black women, so I can't speak much about that. I've always had crushes on white boys and men - I think it's mostly due to the fact that they make up the majority of movie stars and tv stars. I was smitten with River Phoenix, Corey Feldman (uggh; the horror), Christian Bale (he is still my fave actor 20 years later) .... My first crush happened when I was six, and it was on a white classmate named Daniel.
Oddly enough, I haven't dated too many white guys. I haven't dated too much in general, but white guys have not even made up half the men I've gone out with. I never had crushes on Asian guys, except the one main character from the awesome kung fu movie, 36 Chambers (aka "Master Killer"). I thought that guy was HOT. But Asian men weren't in the public eye much so ... no dice for them.
Ultimately, who I ended up marrying had nothing to do with ethnicity (altho I like that my hubby is a man of color). Many people I know who have preferences for a certain eye color, hair color, height, etc. don't end up with a person who fits that description. Case in point:
One coworker of mine was married to another coworker, who was 5'6", 140 lbs, flat haired, almond eyes, PALE as paper skin ... he looked like one of the kids from Rugrats. Well, her DREAM man was that black dude from The Green Mile. She was a plain Jane with wheat colored hair and not many curves; his DREAM woman was Mariah Carey. In fact, everyone used to tease him about his Mariah love at work. But they were happy together and have two kids.
Fantasy is sometimes nothing more than harmless fun.
Now this may sound strange to you, but where I grew up, people had a fear of light eyes. Personally it took me a while to get used to them with those Irish nuns.
My own mum had ( I am not sure if she still does) a phobia for blue eyes but she had a phobia for open waters so I guess it was related in away.
I guess it is the lack of exposure that freaks out people. And I know some that have travelled but are still uncomfortable with light eyes even if they are on an African, they consider them untrust worthy. Go figure.
I admit I probably always had a thing for irish men i.e. red hair and green eyes because of my part irish heritage. For me whether it's preference or a fetish up for debate, but I'm having fun in the meantime.
I have always had a preference for white men, and I tend to be attracted to a lot of musicians because for some reason, I love tall, skinny men with that sterotypical "rock star" look (not exclusively, but predominantly). I'm also a huge Anglophile, and Scottish and Irish accents drive me wild. I've been accused of having a fetish, but I truly believe our attractions begin forming in early childhood, and as I went to predominantly white schools, those were the first boys I was attracted to. As I've grown older, my attractions have expanded, and I have been drawn to men of various ethnicities, including Asian and Indian men. I see gorgeous black men all the time, but for some reason that extra frisson is never there with them. When I was younger, because it was challenged so much, I really questioned whether there was an element of self-hatred to my attractions. But I know myself very well now, and I am secure in my identity and sense of self. I know what I have is a preference, just like preferring a certain body build, color of hair, or color of eyes. I have no sense of shame and feel no need to explain or apologize. I like what I like!
minoritygirl:
I love dark hair and light eyes. It just drives me completely wild.
I think the contrast of the dark hair and eyes works well for me.
I always had crushed on white guys, from the get go. I think though mine was due to my surroundings and interests growing up.
"Then more white guys, off the street, started trying to talk to me, then I realized, hey there's a viable option, so now I'm open to ANY guy who will treat me right, no matter their color."
Exactly. That should be the most important thing, does he treat you right.
----
Anon:
I am curious, why would you think you would not be with a white man in this stage of life?
----
But if I had to strip it down to pure physicality...I prefer black men. And this is said with a lot of sadness, because they don't seem to prefer me back. White men prefer me more, but I'm very wishy-washy about their pursuit. Eventually they give up. I have a hard time resolving this.
blackwomanunhinged:
I definitely think you should go after what goes after you. If it is attractive, take the bait and go for it. You gotta step outside the box sometimes. I did that a few times dating. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.
-----
lareinacobre:
36 Chambers is an awesome movie. Gordon Liu at his best!!!!
In terms of people ending up with those who don't fit their ideal. My husband fits my ideal physically (tall, dark hair, green eyes), but interest wise we couldn't be more different. It shocks people that we actually work because we are such polar opposites.
----
Grata:
I am not surprised, there are certain people when I was a kid that used to scare me because their eyes were so blue, it was crazy. I thought they looked like zombies.
Brian Bloom was one I can think of off the top of my head, those eyes are just too creepy.
---
Ms.Abc:
You and Roslyn share the love for the red heads. I like the irish guys as well, but it has to do with accents. I worked with this guy from Ireland for a while, and he wasn't even cute, but I would drool every time I saw him or rather heard him, his accent was pure heaven!!!!!!! My boyfriend in 1st grade, I shared him with my BFF Kim, was a little red headed boy named Charles. He was the cutest thing, freckles and all.
-----
winnowill:
I went through a phase that every guy had to wear glasses and have a morrissey hair cut for me to like him. Tall, skinny, dark hair, and geeky LOL.
I also went through this phase of men with accents. I did a whole tour of the UK it seems. Scottish, English, Irish, I dated it. The accent drove me absolutely crazy. If you can't tell I am a bit of an Anglophile myself. All my music I owned at one time was imports exclusively it seemed. Accents are so sexy. I dated a guy from Italy, one from Jamaica (asian/black/white, I still don't know what race he really was), one guy from Grenada. People were calling me the UN.
I questioned myself for years about self hatred and my attraction to white men, and I realized that as long as I am comfortable, I am not hating anything or anyone. My preference is my preference and has no bearing on my feelings with the black community. I embrace my blackness :)
"Brian Bloom was one I can think of off the top of my head, those eyes are just too creepy."
My mum would run. I think the size of the pupils is what makes them strange. There is a certain tone of blue that is so cold. And that is what is scary.
Anyone see this creepy black baby with deep blue eyes. ( I know that sounds mean but, come on)
Black Baby with blue eyes
And I love babies to death but I would be challenged on this one.
Grata! LMAO! I'm glad I am not the only one. I was getting chills looking at that baby. I might have had to sneak out of the hospital without him.
Grata,
I hate you. I was staring at that baby and my cat put his paw on me getting ready to jump in my lap. I shrieked. My cat is traumatized b/c of you now!
Casper, objectification is logical? That just does not compute as a logical, and therefore conscious and deliberate, thought process.
Casper,
That's still an ABSENCE of logic. By that line of thinking, it would be logical for everyone to be a sociopath. Logic implies careful consideration and use of reason. I doubt most men go about objectifying women through such a process.
"Grata! LMAO! I'm glad I am not the only one. I was getting chills looking at that baby. I might have had to sneak out of the hospital without him".
LOL! Seriously my mum would run. We had this woman back home who had a small shop. She must have had some missionary blood in her or something. She was light, and had blue eyes. My mum was terrified of her. And my mum is very light skinned. She could easily pass pass for South American. I didn't see what the big deal was but she gave my mum chills.
LOL! @ sneeking out of the hospital. I would think about it too. And forget my mum baby sitting.
"I shrieked. My cat is traumatized b/c of you now!"
LMAO. Poor Kitty. I wonder how she would respond to the baby.
Actually Casper, that definition backs up what I am saying. I am saying it is NOT reasoning. YOU are miscontruing what I am saying by saying I reject your premise because it offends me or b/c I deny that men objectify women. My sociopath statement was in response to your implying that dehumanizing people is a logical thought process when in fact, it's a pathology.
Of course many men objectify women, but I still doubt they wake up one day during puberty and go through some logical and reasoned out thought process: "Well, gee, wouldn't it just make life easier if I just saw all women as pieces of meat? I know that's wrong, but I'm not going to be worried about that."
Some other definitions of logical:
1. Consistent with reason and intellect: consequent, intelligent, rational, reasonable. See reason/unreason.
2. Able to reason validly:
I also might add here that you are the one giving credence to feminist theory about men and their efforts to subjugate women. After all, if objectifying women is a conscious and deliberate thought process on the part of most men, to make things easier for them, WHAT is it making it easier for them to do?
I see it as this you are attracted to what raised you. If you were raised by someone who is kind and caring you look to those who are kind and caring. I like men who are mixed.I found that all of the men I have had and have crushes on look alike. Many of the black white...etc men that I liked have that look so I realize that I am attracted to that certain look. That does not mean that a man with a nice smile who does not look that way won't catch my eye.
good blog all round..nice to read it..
Post a Comment