I stole the pic from Yan.
I went over to one of my favorite natural hair care boards, and noticed a conversation about WM reactions to natural hair. Being that I am obviously in IR, this conversation was interesting to me. Apparently several of the women on the site are open to IR dating, either currently in IR or have dated IR in the past. Someone mentioned that it seems many naturals are perceived as pro-black and anti-IR. I actually get that a lot from people of all races, but looking at the message board response, another noticed that that doesn't seem to be the case. She tried to figure out the reasoning for so many naturals that were open to IR. One made a great point:
"Hmm.. you know I've been thinking about this recently and I'm not sure if there's a direct correlation between napptural hair and the love/acceptance of non-black men. I think it's more likely that many black women who go natural are more comfortable with detouring away from societal norms. It is not a far reach to think that a black woman who will ignore cultural beauty standards in what she does with her hair might take a similarly independent attitude towards interracial relationships, despite cultural pressure to stay with "her own"."
I feel this person hit the nail right on the head. To go natural, in particular in the black community, is still somewhat taboo. You get the comments asking when are you going to do your hair, when will you get a relaxer, why are you so lazy and just letting your hair doing "whatever". I know when I first went natural nine years ago, it was a pretty big deal. My parents freaked, my mother told me, my husband (boyfriend at the time) would leave me walking around with natural hair, and my father kept telling me my head looked horrible and I looked like a "witch", he then told me I must think I was white to think I could just wash my hair and be done with it I got cards and suggestions for beauty salons left and right. The "your hair is so pretty, a good relaxer and it will be gorgeous" comments. I still rock a wash and go and have no regrets.
My husband is the one who convinced me to go natural after he saw me put my own relaxer in my head, yeah I was crazy. I used a child's relaxer because I am "tender headed", perms/relaxers burn my head, and I always no matter if professionally done or at home get chemical burns from perms/relaxers. He saw the burns and smelled the relaxer, thinking it was the most horrible smell ever, and it is true, they don't smell very pleasant, he asked me why I would put that stuff in my hair. I thought about it and thought he was right, and nine years later relaxer free. Now hotcomb or ceramic hot iron free is a different story, but for the most part 99.98% of the time I am au natural.
I feel that many BW who decide to go natural are expressing independence because it is a big deal for a black woman to go natural, the reactions you get aren't always positive,and even in the work place it is still taboo in some offices to wear your hair natural. I know many natural heads who break out the relaxer when it is time to interview for fear of rejection. I've done it before. With that being said, I think many of us are open because once you go against the grain in one aspect of your life, it isn't such a big deal in other parts. You are used to dealing with crap from others, so you don't have as many hang ups, causing you to be more open to not just dating, but everything. It is like you are part of a counter culture.
I do want to add, I am NOT trying to start a hair war. Relaxed hair is pretty too, and I don't dislike those who wear their hair relaxed.
36 comments:
I agree with this theory. Despite the disclaimer, the evangelicals will now be shrieking about how you said only sisters with natural hair are open-minded enough to IR date. But yeah, people willing to run afoul of cultural norms in one arena are often willing to do the same in another.
"Hmm.. you know I've been thinking about this recently and I'm not sure if there's a direct correlation between napptural hair and the love/acceptance of non-black men. I think it's more likely that many black women who go natural are more comfortable with detouring away from societal norms. It is not a far reach to think that a black woman who will ignore cultural beauty standards in what she does with her hair might take a similarly independent attitude towards interracial relationships, despite cultural pressure to stay with "her own"."
That's basically it in a nutshell...I stopped relaxing my hair in 2000...This was also the time where i began persuing my OWN interests despite what the 'status quo' was then...No longer was I wrapped in what "they" said...IMO, being natural is still a step of bravery for BW due to the way most of us were brought up...Thanx for this article!
I would say yes, that probably most guys who see a woman with natural hair or an afro would think "she would never date a white guy" Probably similiar to how I've heard black women run from white guys with shaved heads.
I would say yes, that probably most guys who see a woman with natural hair or an afro would think "she would never date a white guy" Probably similiar to how I've heard black women run from white guys with shaved heads.
But why would that be? My hair isn't a political statement, it is a preference. Ironically, my husband did have a shaved head when we met, but he was rocking Fubu so I assumed he was not a skinhead based upon his clothing :) That and the people of multiple races he was hanging out with :)
But why would that be? My hair isn't a political statement, it is a preference.
Probably the media and popular culture, even look at these IR celebrity couples, most of these women have straight hair/weaves, I guess it just enforces it.
I also agree with what you said. being natural is a BIG step. I actually stopped relaxing my hair about five months ago. I am considering getting it cut in may but I might wait a little longer.
You know C-1, I've always been afraid of white guys with shaved heads, but I saw one the other day that made me look twice. Might be because he was in Brooks Brothers, instead of Doc Martens, but no, he didn't frighten me at all.
I've been natural since 1998, but folks don't assume I'm militant. They think I'm the 'crunchy, Earth Mother' type, I guess because I'm locked. I'm very much into organic food and natural living, so I guess the label fits.
C1,
I would say yes, that probably most guys who see a woman with natural hair or an afro would think "she would never date a white guy" Probably similiar to how I've heard black women run from white guys with shaved heads.
There is a wide array or natural hair styles, many of which I'm sure most white men would not even know were natural. Just as most white men are in the dark about relaxers and straightening combs. There is more to natural hair than 'fros, locs, and twists.But yeah, I tend to be afraid of shaven headed white dudes. Especially Casper.
:P Just kidding, Casper!
Despite the disclaimer, the evangelicals will now be shrieking about how you said only sisters with natural hair are open-minded enough to IR date
I will catch the wrath from at least one or two people with this post.
-----
No longer was I wrapped in what "they" said...IMO, being natural is still a step of bravery for BW due to the way most of us were brought up...Thanx for this article!
CW,
I think that is one of the saddest things about African American culture, a lot of people don't know how to take care of their hair in it's natural state. I know I was at a loss when I decided, I had to buy books to get ideas on how to wear my hair and how to care for it.
-----
Probably the media and popular culture, even look at these IR celebrity couples, most of these women have straight hair/weaves, I guess it just enforces it.
C1:
Maybe that is what white men prefer? I know typically black men have a propensity to prefer straight hair or weave, just due to black community ideals of beauty.
----
I actually stopped relaxing my hair about five months ago. I am considering getting it cut in may but I might wait a little longer.
Isityouorme,
I love being natural, I have caught hell for it a few times from some folks, but it is worth it. I can go in the rain and not get scared, go swimming without worrying about chlorine, taking a shower with your man, or letting folks play in your hair, which folks will want to do. I have had to swat my own mother's hand out of my head, without fail each and every time I see her, even nine years later she plays in my hair!!!!!!
------
I've been natural since 1998, but folks don't assume I'm militant. They think I'm the 'crunchy, Earth Mother' type, I guess because I'm locked.
I get that a lot too. I think it is because I rock casual most of the time, jeans and converse work well.
I will say I still have a pair of Doc Martens in my closet from the 1990's as well.
------
There is a wide array or natural hair styles, many of which I'm sure most white men would not even know were natural. Just as most white men are in the dark about relaxers and straightening combs. There is more to natural hair than 'fros, locs, and twists.But yeah, I tend to be afraid of shaven headed white dudes. Especially Casper.
LOL Poor Casper. He knows we ain't scared of him, if anything he is scared of us LOL
Yeah my husband's grandmother thinks I rock a curly perm circa 1986. I also can't do a fro at my length, it falls in defeat. I can get it real puffy and it just falls. I get sad. I would love to rock a fro, it is too much manipulation. I will to my mother's dismay rock a faux fro hawk though on occasion. I don't do twist outs much because it doesn't look much different than my wash and go, but I will do a braid out for more wavy hair.
A lot of the black women, I see with natural hair or locks are with in an interracial relationships, I am speaking for the UK.
"would say yes, that probably most guys who see a woman with natural hair or an afro would think "she would never date a white guy" Probably similiar to how I've heard black women run from white guys with shaved heads".
LOL! And all this time I have been sporting a fro and chasing away the WM. DANG! Too bad, the brave ones will approach.
Shaven heads with tatoos are abit unnerving.
OK..I'm going to add my .02 here! I cut all of my hair off and had a twa when I was 18. This was back in 1994 so there were a lot fewer natural sisters walking around especially in Nebraska! However, I recall having a lot of non-black men ask me out for a date. However, back then I didn't put any thought into what guys thought about my hair being natural. I had just started college, was living in a dorm, and simply wanted to be comfortable. I didn't honestly worry much about what anyone said (not even my own parents)about my hair though so I guess I was all about doing what worked best for from a young age anyway. Therefore, when it came time for me to marry I continued to do what I'd always done.
"A lot of the black women, I see with natural hair or locks are with in an interracial relationships, I am speaking for the UK."
Felicity,
If you are in the UK then you do not want to know the story of black hair in America.
If these discussions on hair were being held in person I would be dead meat. I naively always engaged in hair discussions without understaniding the depth of the politics of black hair in Ameica. It is scary! You really dont't want to get iinto it. I never saw such a problem in the UK. Even with the West Indians they were confortable with their hair in natural or processed state. It was never a political issue. It is not the case here.
Hey now! Doc Martin makes a damn fine shoe! I have moved on to Sketchers and Bed Stu as my taists in fashion has developed. But I would rock a pair of DMs again if the look was right.
I never cared so much as to natural or straightened, permed whatever as long as your style looks good on you.
A women could rock rough n stuff with afro puffs, If she was is hot I was gonna approach.
Grata said...
"A lot of the black women, I see with natural hair or locks are with in an interracial relationships, I am speaking for the UK."
Felicity,
If you are in the UK then you do not want to know the story of black hair in America.
If these discussions on hair were being held in person I would be dead meat. I naively always engaged in hair discussions without understaniding the depth of the politics of black hair in Ameica. It is scary! You really dont't want to get iinto it. I never saw such a problem in the UK. Even with the West Indians they were confortable with their hair in natural or processed state. It was never a political issue. It is not the case here.
-----------------------
Grata, u r 100% correct. I never 'got it' until recently. I'm Nigerian and school in the UK. There really isn't such a black community thing here (if at all there is in America), but more enclaves of countries e.g. Somali, Nigerian, Kenyan, West Indian etc. So most here have more of an African outlook than not. However. the larger proportion of bw here in the uk (atleast the ones I encounter on the street) tend to have relaxed hair. That said, if you are watching British t.v., u r more likely to see a bw with a natural do than if ine were watching American telly.
That is also why I was so confused over the whole Imus episode. On so many black blogs, I saw many women complaining about being called nappy-headed, but few were even mentioning the 'hoes' comment. I'll admit, I had never heard the word 'nappy' used to describe hair (I don't think most Africans describe their hair this way) so was not least bit offended by it, as I had no clue what it meant. Even now that I do, I'm like so what? When I undesrtood why they were so hurt by the comments, I actually became inflamed. How can the 'nappy' offend u more than the 'hoes'. Western black womens issues with their hair, in America moreso than in Europe, is just something else.
Hell, even in Europe, a large proportion of the sistas have ong and natural hair (with the excpetion of Britain). In Nigeria, no hair do was considered more beautiful than that long, bouncy natural thing. Many bw complain that bm only want women with long hair, so that's why they wear weaves. I'm like, can't u just grow your hair? I know that I have been in some disagreements with some on this board, but I have to say I agree completely with this board. I have nothing against relaxed hair, and if my hair was relaxed AND already long, I'd definitely never cut it. But unfortunately for me, I did not inherit my mothers gene for fast growing hair. I have had relaxed hair for as long as I can remember (till last year when I cut it). It wasn't some kind of protest thing, it was because I wanted long, beautiful hair, and I think it looks more beautiful when natural (atleast to my eye). My hair has never grown past my shoulders for the 20 years that I've been alive, so I decided to do things my own way. I know that relaxer is NEVER going near my hair again. If sistas want to relax their hai then they should. It should just not be for the wrong reasons. Similarly, it should also be for the right reasons if a sister wants to go natural. Any kind of protest thing where one has not resolved any hidden issues is going to be futile. If u want natural hair 'cuz 'I'm black, black is beautiful, I will not be influenced by white media etc.' without actually lovin oneself, it is going to lead u back to square one. Look at the whole 'black is beautiful' era of the 60's (I think, I'm not too sure what decade that was). It's obvious that though alot of blacks felt a pressure to say it, most did not believe it.
Alot of us naturals like to quote India Arie's "I'm not my hair". What we seem to miss is that she wasn't talking about natural hair. She was talking about hair. Natural or relaxed. We should not be judged based on that.
Ok, now I'm soooo of topic! Sorry.
"I actually became inflamed. How can the 'nappy' offend u more than the 'hoes'"
Hmmm. Interesting. I didn't realize that people were more offended by being called nappy.
Now I remember, someone out there called us Happy nappy Nazis, something like that. Was I supposed to be offended?
Seriously I think people should stop putting the blame completely on the White media, there is enough self hate going on for people to hate their hair and ofcourse its rooted in history.
A lot of the black women, I see with natural hair or locks are with in an interracial relationships, I am speaking for the UK.
Felicity,
There is a history here in the US with black women and hair. It is kind of complex.
------
Shaven heads with tatoos are abit unnerving.
Grata:
My husband looked like a skin head when I met him, I know we got confusing looks when we were together.
-----
. I didn't honestly worry much about what anyone said (not even my own parents)about my hair though so I guess I was all about doing what worked best for from a young age anyway. Therefore, when it came time for me to marry I continued to do what I'd always done.
Chel:
I was big into what my parents thought, the first time I went to college, I had my major picked for me, my part time job picked out, and I was told I had to dress a certain way around them. I remember in high school buying my own clothes and my parents making me take them back. I caught complete hell when I dyed my hair pink as well. They let it go eventually, but the jokes and teasing were awful.
----
Hey now! Doc Martin makes a damn fine shoe! I have moved on to Sketchers and Bed Stu as my taists in fashion has developed. But I would rock a pair of DMs again if the look was right.
I never cared so much as to natural or straightened, permed whatever as long as your style looks good on you.
A women could rock rough n stuff with afro puffs, If she was is hot I was gonna approach.
I find a lot of white guys don't I guess it just depends on the style of natural hair. I just look kind of hippie like with my hair, so I never had a problem, but if I had a big ass afro, with my Marcus Garvey shirt on, it might be a different thing.
-----
How can the 'nappy' offend u more than the 'hoes'. Western black womens issues with their hair, in America moreso than in Europe, is just something else.
Jallimaster:
People were both offended by hoes and nappy. The reasoning being this white man, dismissed this whole entire basketball team as a bunch of nappy headed hoes, based upon the fact that they were mostly black girls. It is offensive, number one, there were no natural headed women even on the team, and he used it in a manner that was insulting, and he had no other way to insult them unless to call them hoes and nappy headed, as if being nappy headed is a negative thing. You have understand we didn't come here on our own free will, and were threatened and discouraged to forget every single thing that you and Grata as an immigrant get to keep and embrace from your culture. We have no culture, we have no tradition, just a legacy of systematic racism, that people like Imus can thrive and prosper from. This isn't the first time Imus has said negative things in regards to black people. He referred to white house correspondent Gwen Ifill as a cleaning lady. He is well known for his usage of the N-word. Hell Robin Quivers, Howard Stern's sidekick, has said the man referred to her as a n-word, on and off the air for years when they worked at the same station.
This man got a free pass many times from many people, how many times can people let it go?
Why should people let it go? Why is that black people are supposed to shrug off centuries of systematic racism, that still exists in some form in America, and pretend everything is good?
Our hair is in it's natural state to some is considered unkempt, unclean, and unprofessional. I know many times I broke out a flat iron for job interviews because I didn't know how the interviewer would take to me and my hair. Many white people don't have to alter their hair to get a job, as long as it is clean and well kept, it is ok, I have to worry. Women with a afro have to worry. So how do I shrug that off?
"Why should people let it go? Why is that black people are supposed to shrug off centuries of systematic racism, that still exists in some form in America, and pretend everything is good?'
People should not let it go. What discourages me about the whole racism debate is that somehow the hitory is not adequately used to address the present as it affects all people of African origin. The challenges of racism are with us and have not changed too much.
"Our hair is in it's natural state to some is considered unkempt, unclean, and unprofessional"
This is what you have been made to believe. I always go to interviews with my natural hair. And I will never change it. If someone won't hire me for that, I am better off not working for them.
Grata,
We were the happy to be nappy crew or some such. It was meant derisively but I just found it weird that someone who almost surely had nappy hair herself would be throwing that around as an insult.
________________
Anyway, I always thought wondered how wm would react to weaves. People seem to assume every bw who has more than 2 cms of hair has one anyway these days, but I still imagine that must be a bit of an awkward conversation.
_________________
Jalilimaster,
I agree with some of your points. I've been natural since 97/98. I stopped getting relaxers because I was not about to end up bald due to some burning chemicals. I wish straightened hair was just a "look" but it's obvious from the things some bw say that weaves and relaxers are a coping mechanism.
I love the way cw visits the various blogs and can agree (or disagree) while being respectful at all times.
Its a beautiful thing. She has a kind soul.
(sorry to be off topic)
As for the hair. I cannot diagree with anything anyone said here. Hair is not political to me. But I do believe however in healthy hair in whatever its form. No over processed hair. No too tight braids.
I learned some new stuff from the natural hair boards. Exciting stuff. Great topic.
You are wayyy prettier than Alec Wek!
Anyway, I always thought wondered how wm would react to weaves.
hey don't bother me, it just took me a little while to figure out how they worked.
hey don't bother me, it just took me a little while to figure out how they worked.
I do not know how many men and women in my life have checked my head for tracks. Seriously. I dated a guy who swore up and down I wore a weave, it used to kill me. I was like no this is my hair, I even let him search my head for tracks, not a one, of course he was white, he probably didn't know what tracks were.
I still get people thinking my hair is weave.
I never understood the attraction to weave. When that stuff comes out will the girl still be pretty? What if she has bald spots going on in her head. Or does she have to keep the weave on to stay pretty?
-----
You are wayyy prettier than Alec Wek!
Anon:
I don't know about that. Alex is a supermodel traveling the globe and making money off her looks. I am sitting at home on a Saturday night watching Purple Rain. I think Alex has won the pretty wars.
OK another question. A lot of guys are into hair length, I know for a fact my husband is all about long hair, the concept of me cutting my hair short has gotten the reaction "There's always weave baby".
Why are guys into long hair?
I am definatly into long hair. To me its feminine. I feel the same way about women who wear dresses vs pants.
"hey don't bother me, it just took me a little while to figure out how they worked."
I hope you didn't try to pull at them.
re: how white men react to weaves
I've mostly always had my hair natural. In braids mostly. Only when I was getting married did a have the "prom syndrome" and put a weave on for the first time.
That night, hubby curious tried to "find" my hair under the weave and I almost bit him!
I have very thick, poofy hair much like the little girl in the photo. Even when I flat iron it, it doesn't maintain it's sleekness for long. Be that as it may, my biracial niece LOVES my hair. When she was as young as 13 months old, she would refuse to play with me unless my hair was out in all its glory. LOL! Whenever I would get overheated from running around and playing with her, I would put my hair up in a clip or ponytail. However, she would immediately yell out, "NO," stop whatever she was doing and rush over to "fix" my hair. I did this several times and every time the reaction was the same.
She also liked when I combed my hair. Both of us would stand in front the mirror and her eyes would just light up whenever I did my hair. She would pull at her shorter hair. Additionally, when we would lay side by side on the floor, she would place the ends of my hair on her head.
Oddly enough, whenever she'd see an AA CHILD on tv with big, poofy hair she would point at the picture and say that it was me. Especially, the little girl from "Jack's Big Music Show." On the flip side, if she saw a slender white WOMAN regardless of hair length or color, she would yell, "Momma!" (BIG SMILE! Some of the chics were downright hideous. Her mom hated that.)
I know I veered off topic, but I just wanted to co-sign on what Grata said along the lines that all of our preferences are not necessarily shaped by white media. My niece simply likes long hair. I won't go as far to say that she perceives it as better, I think that subconsciously thats what she associates with me (a playful child in her eyes) hence her preference.
I am a relaxed haired sister and I respect all the natural sisters . I wish that we all could come together as one.
Anyways I haven't dated a guy who was white or black. I dated one who was both.
I've been "free" since 1998...and haven't looked back...and, have been known to rock some DMs from time to time...with my tats showing! LOL
All humor aside, I concur with Yan...if you're willing to run afoul with the hair....
"Free your mind...and you @$$ is sure to follow..." (but, in this case, hair)
RockNRollSista said...
I am a relaxed haired sister and I respect all the natural sisters . I wish that we all could come together as one.
Anyways I haven't dated a guy who was white or black. I dated one who was both.
----------------
Respect you too. I don't like the way some siters with natural hair get all self-righteous, and I also don't like the way those with relaxed hair get indignant. To me it's all about choices. Why do we have to attribute EVERYTHING to white media?
A lot of men do like long hair. Like how a lot of women like men who are clean shaven. But my husband loves and prefers short hair (as in less than half an inch) - he was pretty sad the day or two before I got braids. Now that I have braids, he likes those, too.
The funny thing is, when I had my hair cut super short, the first question people would ask me was, "What does your husband think?" When I'd tell them he loved it, they were usually surprised.
There is definitely this idea that long hair is feminine, and that's fine. But a woman with short hair isn't necessarily masculine. There are plenty of ways to be womanly and sexy without long hair.
Hair is hair, as far as I'm considered. I'm an 18-year-old college student. I relax my extremely thick and intensely wavy long time-consuming hair, but I respect those who wear it out naturally, and I love it when they respect my choice (instead of belittling it, like I've come across too many times on my HBCU campus).
I usually wear my hair "out" (i.e., wavy by way of overnight braids) when I wash it myself because I hate flat ironing it (unless someone else is willing to do it).
As far as IR, black guys, white guys (not that it matters because I don't really go for them), Rican guys, etc all check for me whether it's wavy or straight.
Post a Comment