Today me and the husband went to lunch at the Cheesecake factory, they just opened up a new location nearby, and I love cheesecake, I was hungry, and there you go.
So we enter the restaurant, it is busy, but there appears to be virtually no wait. We go and place our name, they tell us to stay close and listen for our name, it should be just a moment. So we go sit down in the waiting area. We wait for about ten minutes and notice people who came in after us are getting seated immediately. We notice there is another group of three people, a mom, dad, and son, and they too are waiting for a while. They are black. The father notices this and goes up to the hostess desk to ask when they will get seated. My husband does the same. They claim they called our name and someone else took our spot, but we are sitting next to the hostess desk, no name was ever called, after I start asking them when did they call our name, a manager swiftly seats us and apologizes for the confusion. Considering that we are an IR couple where one of us is black, and the only other people waiting are black, and all the people seated immediately while we waited are white, I get a bit defensive. I get angry, and I quietly seethe, and I can't help but to think that my color had something to do with our delay in seating. Maybe I am sensitive, but I am angry none the less.
I express my frustration to my husband when our waitress neglects to give us our rye and sour dough bread. I don't even like the bread at Cheesecake Factory, but I am mad it wasn't even offered. He rationally explains it could have been an oversight, I question the oversight with a quickness, and a tense conversation about race happens at the Cheesecake Factory. He felt I over reacted, and that is wasn't racism. I was now very upset, and I told him, it must be nice to give people the benefit of the doubt, I can't always do that. He then tells me again I am over reacting, and then asks if I am upset or mad at him. I tell him the truth, I am hurt, and it scares me to know my husband can't be on my side and has no desire to stand up for his wife. Then I cut off the conversation and go silent. After about five minutes of silence, my husband asks me if I still love him, and tells me he loves me, and then says sorry. I still sit there quiet on the verge of tears. Frustrated and angry, and yes still loving my husband even though I felt abandoned by him.
I often times second guess such situations, and even if I don't think race right off the bat, it is always in the back of my head. I also think many times when I read up and discuss race so much on blogs and on the internet, it makes me uber sensitive. Maybe the hostess just overlooked us, maybe she intentionally did it, either or, I will never know her true intent. My husband wanted to give someone the benefit of the doubt, I didn't.
It is hard to handle such situations, and it probably doesn't help I posted the story about once again how horrible black people are despised to the point father in laws are willing to kill their black daughter in laws, and husbands are willing to defend their fathers and abandon their half black children. Or that I have posted about miscegenation laws of the United States, and how those laws, even though they no longer exist, affect IR relationships to this day. I sometimes read blogs and become bitter, realizing that black and white relations in this country are pretty much lost, and to find a man like my husband seems to be zero to none in this world, as it is appears white men are too keen to keep their race pure and hold prejudices and stereotypes close to their heart. It doesn't help, that I am starting to think a lot of black men feel that black women aren't worth the time or effort to love and embrace. That as a black woman, I am pretty much alone, even with my husband there I am alone, and he can't completely understand my point of view because his experiences as a white male are different than mine as a black woman.
How do I learn to "move on" and not seethe? How do I learn to give people the benefit of the doubt? Should I even bother to give people the benefit of the doubt? Is it wrong to expect my husband to take my side, even if he doesn't agree, or questions my anger? Will he always give the benefit of the doubt, or ever see the racism I see?
50 comments:
It can be hard. I'm sorry you were mistreated and given reason to question the morals of the people at CF. I've had a few situations like that, and DH was dubious until I gave him all the details (he wasn't present. For me, I try not to worry about what everyone else in society is going to think of me. I know that no matter where I go, there will be something people have a problem with.
I think I had a bit of an advantage that some black folks in America don't get: I experienced life as a religious minority, too, and I never knew whether I was getting funny looks or treatment because of my race, or my religion, or because I was a girl, or what. I was raised to see people's stares and encounters as opportunities to teach them about my faith. But once in a while - only a few times in my life because I've been lucky - I've been reduced to tears because of things people have done or not done to me because (I suspect) of my race or religion.
Somehow there has to be a balance between staying attuned to the meta reality of racism in America and accepting that marginalization happens to almost all of us to some degree.
For me, it's helped a lot to have a spouse who is not black but also not white - that combined with past experiences in multicultural communities helps me feel less targeted as a black woman, per se.
I just found your blog today, and I have spent a lot of time reading some of your older posts, and I can relate to your experiences as if they were my own. I live in a suburb of Dallas, grew up here and I am pretty sure I know what Cheesecake Factory you were at today. Anyway, I understand how you feel, and I don’t know that it is ever possible to “move on” because you are constantly reminded of your race everywhere you go. I find myself wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you have to wonder, why I am always cutting people slack, or giving them the benefit of the doubt? No one is constantly cutting me slack, and it does make you feel alone. With regards to you husband, I don’t know if he will ever truly understand your experiences as a black woman, but each experience is a time for discussion, which can help him better understand what you are going through.
I'm sorry that happened to you Siditty.
I don't think black and white relations will get better anytime soon. Honestly,I'm tired. I'm tired of being told to get over slavery, or that affirmative action is reverse racism and all the other bullsh*t I hear so often. I don't even trust the so called "anti racist".
It doesn't help, that I am starting to think a lot of black men feel that black women aren't worth the time or effort to love and embrace.
Sadly, I agree.
How do I learn to "move on" and not seethe? How do I learn to give people the benefit of the doubt?
We can't. That's what's so painful about being a Black American. Even when we try to pretend for one second that racism isn't all around us something racist happpens and we're reminded of our position in this world.
I was reading an article about black Americans relocating to African countries. It might not be a racial utopia but it made me think maybe it is time for us to go.
WOW! Tough one. See this is why I don't like going out very much.
Firstly, because like you, I have grown super sensitive and with good reason, I have been blatantly treated badly especially in grocery stores that its hard for one to claim that I was over reacting. If I see a restaurant with majority white people, I know something funky will most likely happen. I only go to restaturants with friends that are usually white. They don't see it. I see it but rarely bring it up. Many of the people I hung out with have moved so don't eat out as often. I have an AA workmate I go out to lunch with every other week and we compare notes. This kind of treatment is more common than people want to accept.
You can even feel the waiter's attitude even when they are to put on their best hospitable performance.
For me its very simple, its my money, the less I go out, the more I put my money to better use. I do not need to be eating in some fancy restaurant that prefers all but black or shop in a place that despises my kind. I call it Smart black spending. Don't put your money in places that don't respect black humanity.
Our humanities instructor was encouranging us to shop or buy coffee at the little mom and pops shops so we don't support the chains like Starbucks. But I disagree. Mom&Pops places are notoriously racist and they believe they have that right. Atleast with the chains there is official policy against it and if anything were to go down, you can sue them for something substantial.
I avoid small businesses at all costs. One lunch truck lady treated me poorly and there was a Carls Junior near by. So, I walked half a mile to get my lunch on the breaks. I live in the Asian part of town, and mhen, you enter their restaurants and its like you just insulted them. So I don't go there either. I have almost mastered my smart black spending and it is saving me alot of money.
I wonder how many blacks avoid going to grocery stores just not to have those experiences? I know for one I don't shop as much as I ordinarily would.
Sid,
As for your husband, that is a tricky one. Its hard for someone to react to racism the same way a black person would. And even if he saw it, these incidents will never stop. So you have to learn to cope with them in a way that doesn't antagonize your relationship.
Personally I have to accept that Majority of non black people think and act that way, therefore I am not entirely surprised when it happens and look for the point at which the line is crossed then its time for action, legal or otherwise.
If I were in your position, I would have sensed it and possibly waited longer to see how long they could take it. After which I would speak to the Manager and make sure I get an apology and a number of free meals. I have gotten quite a few meals when people have been that careless. Then if I was really pissed off, sent a letter to the Manager's boss.
i have to admit, i thought you overreacted towards your HUSBAND, NOT towards the cheesecake factory. in this world, in my opinion, we have to stick close to the ones that we love, to the ones that have our backs, because they are all we have. to "turn" on your husband because you felt he "turned" on you, albeit a "natural" move (only quoted that because are we taught defense mechanisms or are they a part of our dna?), was a bit rushed. but, in this world with the drama that "we" get...i cannot blame you for your reaction because it was a natural conclusion and i DO feel that your husband was a little too naive about the situation (you are so right--it's different perspectives because you two do not walk in the same shoes, no matter how married you are).
i think one of the biggest ways to "move on" is to not "focus" on the whole "black/white" dating/marriage situation. you move on by training yourself not to assume, the same way you trained yourself to assume. you move on by immediately changing any negative thoughts you have about people, even when those negative thoughts are CORRECT!
it takes a while, but eventually you get "into" it, and soon, you won't always hold the race cards in the back of your mind. soon, you'll begin to give the benefit of the doubt, and won't feel the need be defensive towards anyone, not a silly restaurant, or passersby, or even your husband.
hopefully you'll feel better about this situation, and remember, it's just one experience of many in this life.
i wish i could tell you that your concerns are unfounded and imaginary, but they are not. i can't pinpoint exactly what happened at cheesecake but i can tell you that it will happen again at another place with perhaps even less evidence to support your gut feeling that you are being mistreated.
there is nothing worse than feeling like you have no support and i too would've been livid that my husband dared to question my reaction to an obvious slight. i guess sometimes you have to let it go. after a while though, judging what you should and shouldn't let go becomes tedious. do you take offense after a 10 min wait? should you wait until another white family was seated before you and your hubby so you can gather evidence and not look crazy? should you just brush it off as part of the restaurant experience? do you tip less as revenge? or not at all? will that help quiet your anger? i don't know girl.
all i can say is that that first rush of emotion i feel when i know for a fact that something is amiss is instinctual and immediate. sometimes, nurture isn't going to overcome nature.
Your post is very heartrending. Specifically, about your doubts about whether your husband "has your back" in such situations. You are kind of at a disadvantage about race issues with him, because he is a white (I'm assuming) American male. Yes, he loves you, but he was raised in the thick of all the advantages that his skin colour and penis afford him. One of which is that he can give the "benefit of the doubt" to others, because he himself, because of his skin and being a man, is never doubted. It may be, that he will go to his grave never [being able to] see the world as you do, because it serves him no purpose to do so.
...and I can't help but to think that my color had something to do with our delay in seating.
Please, do not consider it that it is your colour that had something to do with the delay in seating. It has ALL to do with how someone else has responded to your colour, if that has been the case. The fault is not your brown skin, it is that person's racism.
As you learn how racism is so deeply entrenched in our society--whether it be the individual racist acts or the institutional racism that has left, and will continue to leave, blacks at the bottom of the pile--the more of it you will see, that you will become aware of. And it will overwhelm you. It could have been, when it came to the waitress, that she was just bloody incompetent. Were you the only people who did not get your bread during her shift that day? You cannot know that, unless you took the time to observe her.
Service such as hers, would have been reflected in the tip, if I were her customer. Shitty service will get you a shitty tip, such as a nickel or a dime or a quarter. I kid you not, for I have done it in the past. That usually wakes a waiter up from his stupor, much more so than leaving no tip or a slightly decreased tip (less than 15 to 20%). Or, at the onset of someone giving me shitty service, I will straight out ask: "Is there a problem? Are you having a bad day? Because you don't seem all that attentive to what you are doing." This, too, can shake a waitress up; causing her to become aware that she ain't doing her job right, regardless if her reason for performing poorly is because she has a problem "serving" a black person.
This ain't easy to do: Take the burden of race off of your shoulders. Expect and act in every situation that you should be treated just as any white man will be treated.
Awww Siddity. This is one of the reasons i am scared of getting into IR's, requires a lot of inner strength and i really felt for you when i read this. I send you a virtual hug !!!
I think you could have given her the benefit of the doubt but i probably would have reacted the same way. Growing up Black you are exposed to prejudice often...more than whites so you have to be more careful. White people tend to just not see it...it really is not your husbands fault!!! If it were the opposite way round for a day like that book by malorie blackman "noughts and crosses" and white people experience it, it'll be the only way they can truely understand.
Incidents like this happen all the time. What is funny that any time i tell my white friends about it they think i am paranoid and it is not racism...it is really hurtful i know !!
This post reminded me of this short story written by one of my favorite authors.
Chimamanda Ngozi ADICHIE: "My American Jon"
SEE LINK:
http://thebinj.blogspot.com/2007/08/chimamanda-ngozi-adichie.html
I think things will only change when the world changes...i know that sounds pessimistic but Obama is a start. LOL i like soo know his kenyan relatives. :-)
Usually in a chain restaurant, like the Cheesecake Factory, the waitstaff pool their tips. Meaning, during the course of a waiter's shift, he will deposit all of the tips that he collects in the common pot. At the close of the restaurant, the manager will divvy up, equally, all the collected tips, to the wait staff who worked that same shift/day. Thus, if you busted your ass, attending to your customers, treating them with respect, being on top of your service to them, being attentive to their needs, you probably will get bigger tips from those customers. Now, if you did the exact opposite, then you aren't going to get tipped well. But, that does not matter, if you performed poorly, because you know that you are going to get more tips than you earned, because the tip money goes in a collective pot. This way of managing the waitstaff's tips really hurts those who work hard and do a good job. As well, it tends to bring down the level of service of the waitstaff, overall. So, often with the Cheesecake Factory and restaurants of its ilk, poor service is to be expected, because you may be part of a team, for that shift, which you, as a waiter, knows that the other just ain't gonna pull their weight. You ask yourself: Why bust my ass? I'll bring in big tips, but the others won't, which will bring my tip amount down, anyway!
Also, I had two white women friends, who in previous work experience, had been waitresses in NYC restaurants. Both have told me (and this may not apply to you, because you were with your white husband) that this is the unspoken hierarchy of who gets good service:
1. A white man with a date. Because he is going to try to impress her; consequently, he will probably tip big.
2. A group of white men.
These are the ones who you don't put yourself out for:
1. Blacks. Period. It could be a black man with a date. It could be a black woman alone. It could be a black family. It is assumed that blacks won't tip, or that they won't tip well. So just give them the bare minimum required.
2. A group of white women. They demand too much from you, and tip poorly as a group for all the work that they want you to do for them.
One of my friends who told me this, told me that she would always work a black table well, and she would always get tipped well because of it. If the waitress's assumption is that you are not going to tip well because you are black, and she serves you accordingly, then you don't tip her well, because she gave you shitty service--well, my friend assumed that blacks did not tip well, not because they were black, but because they were given shitty service. So, she gave blacks good service, and was tipped well for it.
Honeyindigo,
I really don't get this:
you move on by immediately changing any negative thoughts you have about people, even when those negative thoughts are CORRECT!
So when someone is behaving in an indisputably racist manner, you propose changing your correct perception that they are treating you in a racist manner? That sounds like better living through insanity.
_________________
As for your husband understanding, probably not going to happen. At best maybe he can learn to talk it through without insisting that it's NOT race and try considering that it could be.
A lot of the time you can just never know and then you are stuck in the place of feeling you have been intentionally slighted and then judging yourself for feeling slighted.
Oddly the last guy I was with thought that the nurse was slow to help him when he had to go to the ER b/c we were an IR couple and I thought it was just b/c she was an unsympathetic bitch and also b/c he'd downplayed the amount of pain he was in.
Redcatbiker,
I forgot to address the whole tipping factor. I try to tip well when I go out, but not if it's not deserved. I know if I leave a small tip or none at all, the assumption will be that it's because I'm black. In these cases, I've taken to leaving a note explaining the poor tip was due to poor service.
Awww Siddity. This is one of the reasons i am scared of getting into IR's, requires a lot of inner strength.
@SueSue, if you meet the right man whatever colour he is, you can't like that affect you. Demons want you to have a miserable life.
@Siddity, I realise that people are just mean and horrible, and it could be several reasons, people are in jobs that they don't like and they are frustrated and angry and cheesecake factory are wrong to behave that way. You have power and you don't go there anymore. Also say every morning today when I go to the restaurant or whatever people are going to be nice to me and help me, regards of when I am with my husband or not and if someone is horrible to me, there will be other people to be nice to me, because I deserve it. A similar situation happened to my daughter, she wanted to get her form signed for her student financial support, her lecturers at her college wouldn't do it, she went to her doctor and he refused and she came home crying. I told her to imagine, people being kind to her and helping her. We went off to the office of Student support and I explained that how everyone behaved to her and the lady on the phone told me not to worry, she will sign the form for Ayodele.
damn...damn...damn...
sorry to hear of this 'ditty.....i'm with redcatbiker & yanmomma: your server was probably feeling craptacular and passed that onto you in the way of bad service. therefore, please don't internalize it (though it's hard)....just don't leave a tip...
when that has happened to me...i've not only not left a tip, i've informed the hostess about the server's attitude....and, i make a mental note to NOT patronize the establishment again.
i also believe in spending my hard-earned $$$ where it counts!
"If I were in your position, I would have sensed it and possibly waited longer to see how long they could take it. After which I would speak to the Manager and make sure I get an apology and a number of free meals. I have gotten quite a few meals when people have been that careless. Then if I was really pissed off, sent a letter to the Manager's boss."
Grata,
I think this is where we get t hose accusations of playing the race card for favors. It's damn if you do, damn if you don't.
Sometimes, I get the feeling ppl think blacks ought to be eternally grateful for being in the USA. So grateful that we should not complain about sub par treatment and should not expect to be treated better.
It stems from the Jim Crow era where it was legal for blacks to be treated as second class citizens. Now that they can't do that anymore, they're angry about it.
People may rag on "the gay capital of the world" but that would never happen to you in San Francisco, heck I used to bring black girls to Cheescake Factory here with no problems, same with Asian and Indian girls, it must be a Texas thing. Your hubby sounds like a nice guy but he seems kind of naive.
*Hugs*
I've been there before, but it involved a discussion of feminism and race with a White girlfriend.
I followed a few blogs and discovered that some of the Black bloggers felt left out of the discussion because they wanted race to be acknowledge. From what I read, I felt like White feminists were telling them to leave their race at the door.
My friend's rationale was that the Black feminists just weren't speaking up enough.
I called her on that BS real quick. I live my daily life as a Black Woman. I am more likely to be treated like crap based on my race; gender is importatn, but it's also secondary (at least in my mind). I can't discuss my gender without discussing my race.
End of story.
This part just kills me though:
They claim they called our name and someone else took our spot
This is BS. I used to be a hostess and if I called a party and no one came up to the stand, I would usually try to look for them or call their name a few times.
Also,you and hubs shouldn't be that hard to remember.
:P
@ classical one:
I think it is a TX thing. I've been in Chicago, NYC, Florida and Idaho (yes, Idaho) dating a White guy and never had to put up with some ish like this.
At a TGIFridays in a very well to do suburb down here, I was treated like CRAP while having dinner with several White friends. At first I just shrugged it off, but the waiter got hostile when I asked where my food was (everyone else's dinner made it out); he had also walked away while I was giving my 2nd drink order.
I found his manager, explained the situation and how I wouldn't be paying this 15.00 check and demanded another server. The waiter came back with some lame ass apology.
I gave him my best "Bish, please" look.
Ain't been back since.
I've had a few situations like that, and DH was dubious until I gave him all the details (he wasn't present. For me, I try not to worry about what everyone else in society is going to think of me. I know that no matter where I go, there will be something people have a problem with.
h sofia:
I think my anger was in the fact he was present and still couldn't or didn't want to see it.
For me, it's helped a lot to have a spouse who is not black but also not white - that combined with past experiences in multicultural communities helps me feel less targeted as a black woman, per se.
True that would be an advantage. I honestly hope that I can find balance, but I find it hard. Maybe it is where I live?
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, I understand how you feel, and I don’t know that it is ever possible to “move on” because you are constantly reminded of your race everywhere you go. I find myself wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you have to wonder, why I am always cutting people slack, or giving them the benefit of the doubt? No one is constantly cutting me slack, and it does make you feel alone. With regards to you husband, I don’t know if he will ever truly understand your experiences as a black woman, but each experience is a time for discussion, which can help him better understand what you are going through.
Ripped from the headlines:
Hello fellow Dallasite!!!!! I definitely agree, I get so angry, no one ever seems to cut me slack for being a black woman, why should I cut them slack? People make assumptions about me, why can't I about them?
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Boom:
I'm sorry that happened to you Siditty. I don't think black and white relations will get better anytime soon. Honestly,I'm tired. I'm tired of being told to get over slavery, or that affirmative action is reverse racism and all the other bullsh*t I hear so often. I don't even trust the so called "anti racist".
Thanks, but I am over it now, it is just a part of life you get used to.
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As for your husband, that is a tricky one. Its hard for someone to react to racism the same way a black person would. And even if he saw it, these incidents will never stop. So you have to learn to cope with them in a way that doesn't antagonize your relationship. Personally I have to accept that Majority of non black people think and act that way, therefore I am not entirely surprised when it happens and look for the point at which the line is crossed then its time for action, legal or otherwise.
Grata:
Very true, I have to learn to handle the situations with more grace. I basically went silent at the table because I couldn't talk to my husband in what I felt was a civil manner, and we were out in public, and I hate bickering under my breathe as to not make a scene LOL
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i have to admit, i thought you overreacted towards your HUSBAND, NOT towards the cheesecake factory. in this world, in my opinion, we have to stick close to the ones that we love, to the ones that have our backs, because they are all we have. to "turn" on your husband because you felt he "turned" on you, albeit a "natural" move (only quoted that because are we taught defense mechanisms or are they a part of our dna?), was a bit rushed. but, in this world with the drama that "we" get...i cannot blame you for your reaction because it was a natural conclusion and i DO feel that your husband was a little too naive about the situation (you are so right--it's different perspectives because you two do not walk in the same shoes, no matter how married you are).
Honeyindigo,
It was hard for me, and I did feel bad, I think I took part of my anger and frustration out on him, he caught what the hostess and waiter should have caught.
In all honesty, my husband is naive to race, but the truth is, race doesn't factor into our day to day lives, it is just when incidents like this happen is it an obvious difference me and him share. I would bet we have issues like what movie to watch or what to cook for dinner more often than the race issues LOL
i can't pinpoint exactly what happened at cheesecake but i can tell you that it will happen again at another place with perhaps even less evidence to support your gut feeling that you are being mistreated.
Emeritus:
Oh it has, there is one restaurant I quit going to on the merits that we have gone two times, and every time we are seated, even when it is not busy, we can't get someone to even give us a drink order, and we have to walk out and leave.
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Specifically, about your doubts about whether your husband "has your back" in such situations. You are kind of at a disadvantage about race issues with him, because he is a white (I'm assuming) American male. Yes, he loves you, but he was raised in the thick of all the advantages that his skin colour and penis afford him. One of which is that he can give the "benefit of the doubt" to others, because he himself, because of his skin and being a man, is never doubted.
Redcatbiker:
Very true, it is hard for him to understand my point of view. In his mind I think he feels racism is the blatant KKK, skinhead, calling someone the n-word type thing, he doesn't see the subtle.
Please, do not consider it that it is your colour that had something to do with the delay in seating. It has ALL to do with how someone else has responded to your colour, if that has been the case. The fault is not your brown skin, it is that person's racism.
Very true, I shouldn't see my color as the issue, but rather the person's attitude.
hat usually wakes a waiter up from his stupor, much more so than leaving no tip or a slightly decreased tip (less than 15 to 20%)
This is sad but true, I often overtip because I don't want to uphold the stereotype of blacks not tipping. I tip on average over 20% just because I don't want people thinking I don't know to tip. The other night at a bar with one of my friends, I tipped our waitress $6 on a $15 tab, and she was the most horrible waitress, but she was horrible to everyone, I don't think race was a factor.
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Incidents like this happen all the time. What is funny that any time i tell my white friends about it they think i am paranoid and it is not racism...it is really hurtful i know !!
Suesue,
I hate the "crazy black woman" syndrome, like you are upset and angry for no reason at all, that you are just making it up in your head. I think that adds fuel to the fire.
That story was great by they way, that blog was awesome!!!!
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As for your husband understanding, probably not going to happen. At best maybe he can learn to talk it through without insisting that it's NOT race and try considering that it could be.
Yan:
I think honestly that is all I can ask for.
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Awww Siddity. This is one of the reasons i am scared of getting into IR's, requires a lot of inner strength.
Felicity,
It does at times, but to be honest the race issues has come up few times in 9 years.
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sorry to hear of this 'ditty.....i'm with redcatbiker & yanmomma: your server was probably feeling craptacular and passed that onto you in the way of bad service. therefore, please don't internalize it (though it's hard)....just don't leave a tip...
I left a tip anyway, I hate not leaving a tip.
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I think this is where we get t hose accusations of playing the race card for favors. It's damn if you do, damn if you don't.
I get nervous about that too, it is automatically assumed the race card was pulled to get free stuff.
Sometimes, I get the feeling ppl think blacks ought to be eternally grateful for being in the USA. So grateful that we should not complain about sub par treatment and should not expect to be treated better.
I think so too, it is like we are supposed to be excited alone we got to stay here, like we volunteered to come on over.
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People may rag on "the gay capital of the world" but that would never happen to you in San Francisco, heck I used to bring black girls to Cheescake Factory here with no problems, same with Asian and Indian girls, it must be a Texas thing. Your hubby sounds like a nice guy but he seems kind of naive.
Maybe it is a Texas thing, my upbringing brings a lot of my assumptions to the table. I think my husband's does as well.
My husband is pretty naive. I am a ride or die type person, he is more a fright or flight type person. Not saying he is chicken, but he isn't very confrontational at all, and if I am angry enough I get very confrontational, I won't beat you up, but you will know if I am upset and why. I think he gets it from his mom. It is the whole if we pretend it didn't happen, it didn't. He lets lots of things roll off his back, that I couldn't conceive of doing.
But hell I guess that is a good thing, if it was up to me, we would have broken up in month three. I stay angry forever and hold grudges, he doesn't, and is willing to say sorry, even if he doesn't think he is wrong, just like he did yesterday.
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*Hugs*
I've been there before, but it involved a discussion of feminism and race with a White girlfriend. I followed a few blogs and discovered that some of the Black bloggers felt left out of the discussion because they wanted race to be acknowledge. From what I read, I felt like White feminists were telling them to leave their race at the door.
*hugs back*
Honestly,
I think feminism has a whole bunch of issues, I became disillusioned with Gloria Steinem's and Geraldine Ferraro's comments on Obama. Of course the origins of feminism excluded black women all together. I think for the most part it still does.
No words. No advice. No insight.
I'm just sorry,
E
Just putting this into perspective, but if this situation happen to me and my wife, and she felt in the same manner that you felt, my response would be insensitive. (What a surprise, I know)
Casper: Ok, you have an issue, now what are you going to do about it?
Wife: You don't understand.
Casper: your right, however its irrelivent. I am not the one thats hurt. If you want me break their legs then let me know, thats something I CAN do. But I CANNOT sympathise with you.
Usually my wife and I quarrel about cultural traditions. Not the same as racism, but I think what it comes down to is the ability of my wife to understand that I am not an emotional creature. I don't have that great feminine gift of empathy. If someone hurt you and you want me to hurt them, GREAT I am all ears, becasue its logical and I can do that.
Another example would be this. If my daughter accidently breaks a vase that your mother gave to you. (assuming it has sentimental value) and your deeply grieved by said vase being broken, I will be the first one to break out the superglue and fix that sucker and in my big dumb animal way hand it back to you and say "Look, I fix it! OOH OOH" BUT don't ask me to cry with you about it, because to me its just a vase, and I am never going to understand the emotional attachment.
Now I am not trying to downplay your situation, but men generally are not gonna be as sensitive to things as you are. And honestly thats probably a good thing.
Hope it helps, er kinda, I know I am a jerk. ;)
Siddity: I hate the "crazy black woman" syndrome, like you are upset and angry for no reason at all, that you are just making it up in your head. I think that adds fuel to the fire.
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Exactly.
SUESUE:Awww Siddity. This is one of the reasons i am scared of getting into IR's, requires a lot of inner strength.
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I said this not Felicity...she is much wiser than i. I am glad to know that it has not been a huge issue in 9 years u have been married tho. :-)
I feel so bad. I've been to CF tons of times (it's my fave) with people of varying colors and the service usually is just not "hot" because it's busy ALL the time out here in FL. I don't think I've ever been discriminated with my White Hispanic (and I mean WHITE cos he's not even tan) boyfriend, but people always tend to "assume" things.
Like if we are both dressed in business clothes they always assume that we're splitting the check (b/c they think we're co-workers). If we walk in by ourselves (which is always)they always ask if it's just us two (but I would see why they would have to do that anyways).
I notice little things. But never not being seated, b/c it's easy to find a seat for 2 than it would be to seat a huge family of like 20 or so (wait til me and the fam go out!) so I can't see why it took so much time for the two of you. I don't know the size of the family and I don't know if you mentioned it, but that was wrong and I believe you saw it for what it was.
You should definitely just ask the waiter if the tips are pooled or not if you really want to know. Always leave what they earned anyways, b/c someone should be checking their attitude if they're not bringing as much to the pot as the rest of the waiters.
I feel so bad. I've been to CF tons of times (it's my fave) with people of varying colors and the service usually is just not "hot" because it's busy ALL the time out here in FL. I don't think I've ever been discriminated with my White Hispanic (and I mean WHITE cos he's not even tan) boyfriend, but people always tend to "assume" things.
Like if we are both dressed in business clothes they always assume that we're splitting the check (b/c they think we're co-workers). If we walk in by ourselves (which is always)they always ask if it's just us two (but I would see why they would have to do that anyways).
I notice little things. But never not being seated, b/c it's easy to find a seat for 2 than it would be to seat a huge family of like 20 or so (wait til me and the fam go out!) so I can't see why it took so much time for the two of you. I don't know the size of the family and I don't know if you mentioned it, but that was wrong and I believe you saw it for what it was.
You should definitely just ask the waiter if the tips are pooled or not if you really want to know. Always leave what they earned anyways, b/c someone should be checking their attitude if they're not bringing as much to the pot as the rest of the waiters.
Sid,
Your server was pissed @ you coz you got a hot hubby :)
She wanted to steal him from you :)
She was pissed that she's stuck with a nasty job that she doesnt like while you seem happy :)
Seriously though, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Go shake (literally) your hub a little and tell him to try and be more understanding :)
Next time, just live up to the angry BW stereotype and whoop someone's arse something serious. I promise it will make you feel ssooooooo much better :)
Hi Siddity,
I noticed a similar situtation with the CF the several times I've gone for lunch/dinner over the last few years. Its funny, the people I'm with really do not notice until I point out to them that something is not quite right with CF's seating policy.
Please know that you are not crazy. These type of establishments have an "unwritten" policy of seating for certain people. It is mind boggling that this type of thing occurs today. Because its subliminal, some will be quick to say you are over reacting. You are not.
What the CF expects is that most who face the situation you did will grumble to themselves. If enough customers make a bit of a noise (by like contacting mgmt. or the local news stations), it will make a difference.
*Maya*
Honeyindigo,
I really don't get this:
you move on by immediately changing any negative thoughts you have about people, even when those negative thoughts are CORRECT!
So when someone is behaving in an indisputably racist manner, you propose changing your correct perception that they are treating you in a racist manner? That sounds like better living through insanity.
_________________
yanmomma,
i don't propose changing the PERCEPTION, i propose changing your reaction thinking to the perception, despite the PERCEPTION, whether you percieved correctly or not. in my opinion, this is one way to "move on", as siditty was speaking of wanting to do.
if you percieve a behavior from someone to you to be a certain way, it may or may not be that way. it's all in the way you THINK and then REACT to the perception that matters.
you cannot change anyones behavior. you can only change your own thoughts about their behavior, which in turn changes your reaction to their behavior.
when someone reacts to me negatively, i immediately attempt to remember NOT to react negatively to them by THINKING negatively of them (the mind is directly connected to the mouth,hmm). what negative action they brought to my table is irrelevant...i am going to attempt to be the "bigger person" by regarding them with a positive thought and reaction behavior, or at the very least, a "neutral" thought and reaction behavior. it aids ME in "moving on", and not always being so defensive, because it teaches me how not to react negatively to negativity, but instead react positively at best, neutrally at worst to negativity.
"It stems from the Jim Crow era where it was legal for blacks to be treated as second class citizens. Now that they can't do that anymore, they're angry about it".
Kenya,
I wholly agree. I think the end of segregation is just on paper. With the numerous experiences and bad service, I have received, I believe that most non black people would actually be in favor of segregation.
Think about it, no race wants their children to marry black, what makes us think they want to sit next to us in a restaurant? The best test is on public transportation. You notice how almost all are reluctant to sit next to you. These attitudes are deep with in people's minds and won't change.
Personally, I find ways to minimize those experiences and my life is full. Think about it, you go out to treat yourself at a fancy restaurant and leave the place with your feather's raffled. And the chances of this happening are 50/50. All for what? Are you short of places to go to where you will be comfortable ?
I am not saying that any one should stop going out all together but you have to be smart about it. I tend to go to places where my face is familiar. And it is through trial and error. Luckily I am not an adventurous eater so there is only afew places I can go.
"Very true, I have to learn to handle the situations with more grace".
Its called carrying your cross with dignity. I have an African friend who just laughs at racism and is always mocking those types of people. Deep with in him he realizes they are not better than him, they just think they are. It is refreshing to see him handle his situations. And he is in a business where race matters but he survives. I think it boils down to how much value you consider yourself to have. Enough to see the BS as stupidity and also enough to act when necessary to defend your humanity. Unfortunately this is your cross you have to carry. Your hubby can almost never feel your exact pain.
"I get nervous about that too, it is automatically assumed the race card was pulled to get free stuff".
Remember, you only get to speak to the Manager when you have waited very long and its clear that something wrong happened. If 4 groups of white people where sitted before you and you sat waiting for over 30 minutes. Regardless of what they think of you, it won't be worse that what they already think. And by bringing up the issue you have raised their awareness and they won't treat the next black person in the same way. this fear of not playing the race card is what will encourage the behaviour to continue. This is for those that like to go out. In this environment I rarely go out and if it where to happen, I will pull that race card, no shame in exposing their BS and getting the free stuff along the way. I know for sure I won't be going back but they will most likely treat the next black person better. I have no qualms about pulling the race card if it is justified.
No words. No advice. No insight. I'm just sorry,
No worries Evan, I won't make you atone for all white folks wrongs LOL
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Casper,
Imma beat you up
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I said this not Felicity...she is much wiser than i. I am glad to know that it has not been a huge issue in 9 years u have been married tho. :-)
Oops my bad.
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. I don't think I've ever been discriminated with my White Hispanic (and I mean WHITE cos he's not even tan) boyfriend, but people always tend to "assume" things.
For the most part as much as I talk about race, it really isn't a factor in day to day.
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our server was pissed @ you coz you got a hot hubby :) She wanted to steal him from you :) She was pissed that she's stuck with a nasty job that she doesnt like while you seem happy :) Seriously though, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Go shake (literally) your hub a little and tell him to try and be more understanding :) Next time, just live up to the angry BW stereotype and whoop someone's arse something serious. I promise it will make you feel ssooooooo much better :)
LOL Soila I don't think it was my husband's hotness, but maybe she was just unhappy :)
I did shake him. We just had a talk about it just now. He read the blog, he got upset that folks called him naive LOL, at least he wasn't mad at me, I think he thought I was going to vilify him when I told him I was blogging about our situation at CF LOL
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Please know that you are not crazy. These type of establishments have an "unwritten" policy of seating for certain people. It is mind boggling that this type of thing occurs today. Because its subliminal, some will be quick to say you are over reacting. You are not.
I sincerely would hope in this day and age race wouldn't be as big of an issue, but to some it will always be an issue.
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Unfortunately this is your cross you have to carry. Your hubby can almost never feel your exact pain
Very true Grata, he is really trying to understand, he just can't.
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I will pull that race card, no shame in exposing their BS and getting the free stuff along the way. I know for sure I won't be going back but they will most likely treat the next black person better. I have no qualms about pulling the race card if it is justified.
True they will continue their behavior if no one calls them out on it.
maybe you will... But I bet your husband understands my sentiments ;P
Now i feel bad for callin your husband naive :( I apologize, I don't even know the dude and I'm passin judgments.
Well no offense, but your husband seems kind of slow, or off in another world or something. Its funny cuz my its the complete opposite in my relationship. My girlfriend likes to give the benefit of the doubt, while I call racism. I think she does it because she doesn't want to seem like she playing the race card, and I think she thinks that if she ignores it, then its not really happening. I mean, I know she's only 20 and nieve, but that's her. I know that its racism because I've experienced racism at me many times when I'm with her or with most of my friends from white people. In addition I also receive clothing descrimination, which is a very real thing, and is a widely overlooked by people, dam I wish someone would blog about that. But back to the topic, I live in the northeast, so that type of shit doesn't happened that often around here when we go out. I took my girl to the cheesecake factory one time, and they treated us real well, but my gf thinks I scare people at restaurants, lets just say I don't a dress shirt and tie, so often most times I get good service or else I can go off like a losecannon. That reminds me of this one time when I took my girl out to eat and this white couple was there with their son who was about 10-12. They kept giving me dirty looks (my girlfriend luckily could not see this disgusting behavior). They even went so far as to make their son switch seats so he couldn't look in our direction. I was like of course, "ok, you guys wanna do that, that's cool", then I proceed to kiss my gf passionately for like a minute. Yup they asked for the check 5 mins later. Now that I think about though, your not really alone, I mean your husband is still their with you, he's going through the same shit you are too. Its not like they sat him and left you waiting, or that they served him the bread shit and didn't offer it to you, I mean he did go through the same shit you just went through, maybe he doesn't see it through your eyes, but its not like he abandoned you during it, although I would have probably acted differently. Just my 2 cents
JDR
Siddity, I think a big problem you are having is the fact that your husband is not confrontational. He seems to avoid arguments, unlike you who can cuss anyone out.I am still lol at you digging into your uncle.
The two of you seem similar to the dark haired white girl and her boyfriend on this seasons Real World.
boom said: was reading an article about black Americans relocating to African countries. It might not be a racial utopia but it made me think maybe it is time for us to go.
Sometimes I feel the same way boom.
grata said:I call it Smart black spending. Don't put your money in places that don't respect black humanity.
I agree grata and this is what I do also.
I live in the Asian part of town, and mhen, you enter their restaurants and its like you just insulted them
Hooooney let me tell you, Asians wear their hatred like a badge of honor. Asian racism is not to sweep under the carpet.
Now i feel bad for callin your husband naive :( I apologize, I don't even know the dude and I'm passin judgments.
No worries, he wasn't really upset, and remember I call him naive too. I told him last night I am a bit naive as well, and think he is to an extent about race relations. We grew up VASTLY different than most IR couples. I grew up in an all white surrounding, my husband for a while attended predominantly black and hispanic schools. We have both been at times "the only one" or one of the few. Or situation might be different than most others here.
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Well no offense, but your husband seems kind of slow, or off in another world or something.
One thing he isn't is slow. He is scary smart. I think in some aspects of live, in particular social settings he doesn't shine, he just stays quiet. Like I said before we have completely different approaches to things beyond race. We are complete opposites in every sense of the word.
I think she does it because she doesn't want to seem like she playing the race card, and I think she thinks that if she ignores it, then its not really happening.
I've done that many times, in particular when I was growing up, things I would jump on someone's case for now, I just kind of ignored.
Yup they asked for the check 5 mins later. Now that I think about though, your not really alone, I mean your husband is still their with you, he's going through the same shit you are too. Its not like they sat him and left you waiting, or that they served him the bread shit and didn't offer it to you, I mean he did go through the same shit you just went through, maybe he doesn't see it through your eyes, but its not like he abandoned you during it, although I would have probably acted differently. Just my 2 cents
Yeah he is always at my side, and he is my biggest supporter, I just at the time being angry felt let down.
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Siddity, I think a big problem you are having is the fact that your husband is not confrontational. He seems to avoid arguments, unlike you who can cuss anyone out.I am still lol at you digging into your uncle.
Very true, we just handle things differently. I will still curse my uncle out in a minute, crack heads and alcoholics get no love from me LOL
Siditty...It happened to me too at the Cheesecake Factory (Richmond,VA) a while back...I was on a date and KNOW our name was NOT called...People who came in afterwards were seated sooner (And I checked, NO they didn't have those lil flashy things in their hands)...I may drop them a line...
Wow, I've gone through the exact same thing with my ex-boyfriend. However, your husband seems more understanding than my ex, which is why we recently broke up:-(
I can't tell you how important it is to have a partner who is completely supportive of what we as black women go through in this world. I honestly feel that if any man, white or black, is unable to be supportive and try to understand, then he isn't worth our time!
I've recently had to learn that.
I just had to say that I've been to CF many times with white men and with groups of other black women and never had any problems getting seated or with not getting bread. That was both here in MD and in Albany NY, so I don't think this is some Cheesecake conspiracy of bad service.
I can't tell you how important it is to have a partner who is completely supportive of what we as black women go through in this world. I honestly feel that if any man, white or black, is unable to be supportive and try to understand, then he isn't worth our time!
I've been in that situation before with an ex. We only dated a short time, but I knew I had to let him go when he started trying to "give me" white features, trying to distance me from anything black. He was very much "you're not like the others" in his mindset. It was really frustrating to me.
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Yan,
I will say this is my 1st experience at the CF where I felt this way, I have gone many times to other locations.
Siditty-
I understand you completely. What seems like an outright act of ingnorant racism on some knuckelheads part, comes off as just some kind of misunderstanding in my husbands eyes. He's starting to wake up through, and see what time it is. Unfortunately, he did'nt really wake up until HE was discriminated against in a situation where I was'nt actually there. It was just known his wife was black. It's uncomfortable, and it pisses me off. I thought maybe it was some type of insecurity of mine or something. I had to chill out though before I found myself in the county with a case on my hands. Because it makes you want to slap the waitress, the esthetician (who wouldn't wax me because I was black) and everyone in between.
Saddening to feel alone and left out there when the one closest to you doesn't get it. And he honestly can't and may never feel you on that issue. I have had crushes on other races, and dated an Israeli girl, but I always thought ahead to the future and saw the overlooked names at a restaurant, a person locking their car doors as I walk past, little old ladies clutching their purses; and as I saw on CNN's black in America, being a black man with a clear record and a white man with a felony stand the same chance getting hired! (being black is same as having a felony record) I need someone who will not only let me cry on their shoulders, but as I turn around to cry I see a tear glistening in the corner of their eye as well.
He no doubt will love you through your pain, but just as I will never get how much childbirth hurts and a woman will never understand a kick in the balls (pardon)experience is the only way to understand certain things! I won't go so far to say that you need a man who empathizes with you, for that would imply that you and your relationship is deficient, more so that I need that. My heart broke for you as I vividly imagined how the conversation and others like it went at the table in the Cheesecake Factory. You just wanted him to be outraged as well, or at least minimally indignant. It makes you feel crazy and like you are over-reacting (kinda like the wife in the movie Devil's Advocate.) My hope is that you will find a way to deal with those feelings and garner his support.
J. Dequaine
jdequaine@geechie.net
ps If you grew up where I'm from and had the proportions you speak of, a booty that you could get rid of!? Your complexion, height, dental configuration, and speech impedement would not have mattered. We are a very dark skinned people who appreciate the physicalities of the sistas :0 What I mean is you sound attractive and the men where you grew up were foolish ;)
I hope I remember to check back here.
With all due respect, this is my disclaimer. You posted this, and I really enjoy reading your blog, so please don't be offended if I weigh in on old slights of the past. I am a new reader and I would like to comment on this.
I have been in a few IRF (Interracial friendships) and sadly what your husband said to you, I have had said to me countless of times "Robert, do you still love me" I find that harsh, cruel, and somewhat retarded. It comes from a place that says, black people are so immature socially and emotionally that one "dust up" will render all love obsolete.
I admire you for staying and working out your problems. But I do think for your husband to say something as juvenile as that, well, it makes me wonder. Maybe his motives were to shut up down. Get you to be silent. Move on. And then reel you back in with the "give people the benefit of the doubt."
Your husband has the benefit of the doubt to be "gracious," black people don't. And lets be real, if you did not get seated, and then lied too, why should you give anyone in that establishment the benefit of any doubt. Sigh.
May I add your blog to my favorites, ma'am?
Good blog, and can I have your feed-back?
I admire you for staying and working out your problems. But I do think for your husband to say something as juvenile as that, well, it makes me wonder. Maybe his motives were to shut up down. Get you to be silent. Move on. And then reel you back in with the "give people the benefit of the doubt."
Robert,
Thanks for the complient. I am not offended. I put it out there, I expect people to weigh in with their opinion. He knew I was upset, and each and every time I am upset with him he asks me do I still love him. I can be a bit cold when upset. I hold a grudge forever, and I am an expert at the silent treatment, I do puppy dog eyes really well (well it only works on him), or walking out of a room. If not for him we would have broken up by month six of our relationship :)
He is a big avoider of conflict, much like his mother. The Apocalypse could be upon us, and he would dismiss it as a bad day. That is just him, he never gets mad, and he has the patience of a saint.
In terms of race or racism, I chalk it up as a learning experience. I have had 32 years to build up my views, he has technically only had nine, and for the most part those nine years have been race relations free, except for some incidences throughout the years on par with the Cheesecake Factory. I do have to have some patience with him and allow for leeway, because the majority of the time, he gets it, and I can say I don't think many white people do "get it".
This post is about clothing discrimination. Where I work they want to impose a dress code, which would be okay if a lot of people want it. The thing is only some of the upper management want it. So instead of having an official dress code, just a few people impose their opinions by not promoting or giving raises to people who wear jeans, athletic shoes etc no matter how nice or fashionable their clothing is.
Where is clothing discrimination in this post?
When it comes to subtle racist moments like what you experienced in Cheesecake factory, I just think of what my cousin says when she experiences such things: Flip your hair and roll your eyes because it isn't worth getting upset over. Plus when you brush off such incidents you show that you can't be easily phased. Sometimes I wish it was that easy. I flip my hair and run my fingers through my hair making sure my middle finger is up but deep down inside I still "seethe". :o(
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