***Please Do Not Google Interracial Lesbian Couples At Work!!!! Seriously I was looking for couples, and found way more than I bargained for, which is why you have this nice monoracial couple***
Last night I was chit chatting with a friend and her partner. They have been together about 6 years, and have a daughter (from a previous relationship). I never really thought much about their relationship until last night. I found out how they met, and it was interesting to say the least.
They met online. K, the girl I initially became friends with, is black. Her partner C, is white. C was in a chat room that dealt with IR relationships between black men and white women. K, was in that chat room posing as a black guy. They had a long distance internet relationship on the premise K was a guy, and four months into the relationship K fessed up to her lack of male genetalia, and C, being emotionally attached, decided to continue the relationship. Even though she had never thought of herself as a lesbian, at that point she decided to give it a try.
WTF?
I was confused as hell. I know many lesbians who tried dating guys, but decided to go against society and come out of the closet, but never had a met a person who informed me they never thought about women until they get into a relationship with a woman they thought was a man. Maybe I am crazy, but I would have felt betrayed if I was under the impression I was dating a guy, but was really dating a girl. I don't know if I would be open to giving lesbianism a try under this premise.
So you know me being me, I asked C was she a lesbian, or was she bi-sexual. She then identified herself as straight, explaining K was very masculine in her appearance and traits, which she is, but I still know she is a woman!!! I say C is a bisexual person. C's premise is love is love and you can't always put a gender on it. I disagree. I love women in my life, but I don't LOVE them. I LOVE men.
Am I being homophobic in not understanding their relationship? I guess my thing is it, was based upon deception, and I would not be ok with that if I were in that position. Or maybe I don't fully understand the difference between gay, bisexual, and straight?
48 comments:
do you ever sleep siditty? lol
it's funny that you brought up this topic. ppl often joke 'i would go gay for that person' but when do they ever really mean it?
towards the end of last year, my friend got me started on 'the L word' a show focused primarily on lesbian relationships. later on, in a conversation with that friend, she admitted that while she was 'strictly dickly,' she felt that love shouldn't be limited to her orientation. in other words, she thought that she could possibly fall for a girl and if she did, she would pursue the relationship.
believe me, i was just as baffled as you were. i too cannot imagine suddenly falling for a girl or deciding to pursue any type of relationship outside of an ordinary friendship with a girl. i think that if you're a woman who has always dated men and then suddenly move on to women but don't identify as lesbian, then you are bi-sexual or as i like to say, bi-curious.
i don't think your lack of understanding makes you homophobic, just lacking understanding. :)
i would love to see what other ppl say about this.
Hey Siditty,
Great post. I hve a lot to say about this one so this comment runs the risk of being longer than the post itself! Last year on 48 Hours Mysteries, they had the case of a woman who was killed by her husband b/c she was in love with someone else and was planning to leave him. The someone else was a woman she had met through the internet...who had been posing as a man. The wife somehow discovered or was informed the person had been posing as a man, but like your friend, she decided she was too in love to end the relationship.
Personally, it would be over for me b/c I just don't dig women like that and also I would have zero ability to trust a person after that. Also, I would not be saying how in love I was with some stranger on the internet before we met. Like the cartoon says, "on the internet, no one knows you're a dog."
There was a line on Will and Grace, "monogamy is for lesbians" and sometimes it really seems like it with all these fickle, commitment-phobic, hook-up obsessed men out here. I've heard people express before that people are capable of loving anyone regardless of their sex. It might work for some people like that. I can easily see another woman meeting all of my emotional needs, but there wouldn't be any desire for a physical relationship. It would be a bit like that movie, "Kissing Jessica Stein".
Anyway...I read an article in The NY Times a few years ago about there being a sudden uptick in the number of young black women involved in lesbian relationships. The article took the stance that this was in part due to the rampant misogyny in black culture in general and the relationship-averse nature/relationship unsuitabiliy of many black men in particular.
One of my ex-coworkers came out to me last month. She said she's been living with her girlfriend for 2 years now and could not be happier. Her gf looks butch but she is the one that has the house clean, dinner on the table, and the kids picked up from daycare when she gets home from work. She said she used to always get with women as well as men but after her youngest child's father, she said she was just fed up with men's bs and that was IT.
During some of the more misogynistic times in my life I could completely understand homosexuality. Not because I liked dudes, but because I disliked women. The problem is I am totally addicted to vagina, always have been. This has led to some not so good relationships with women, but hey we all learn from our mistakes, and hopfully mature.
One serious deal breaker in every relationship I have ever been in is dishonesty. I would drop you on the spot if I caught you in a lie. I would even put it in the disclaimer speech. So no, I wouldn't be willing to give a homosexual relationship a try based on deceit.
I think that the sexuality of humans is more than complicated enough to allow for situations like this. *shrugs* Some people have what it takes to do this and some people do not.
IMO, I don't see how a person can claim to be "straight" when they are having sexual relations with a person of the same gender. You are either bisexual or gay.
Society defines straight people as those who engage exclusively in heterosexual relations. Since they have a label for people who even think they might be interested in crossing over (bi-curious).
So, I have to disagree with the "straight woman with a girlfriend".
But to each their own. No effects on me.
I can't imagine falling in love with a girl off the bat, but my emotional attachment to my guy is strong enough that I feel I'd stick by him no matter what.
If he lost several limbs (including his penis), decided he wanted a sex change, wanted to move to a different country etc. etc. I'd just deal and stay by him. I love him, whether he wants to stay a "him" or become a "her". But I consider myself pretty open-minded and I've never been presented with such a decision.
Come on Sid, you don't remember all the girls in college that were totally into girls, but come graduation were sporting engagement rings?
At least this is how it works at my school. I will admit to having a celebrity girl crush,(I'm talking to you, Rosario Dawson), but like you, I LOVE men.
As for your friend, I'm gonna say that homechick is bi-curious. And I'm gonna say it now: if C would have turned out to be Black would there have been a relationship?
*waits for the fallout of my question*
I hate to say it, but your friend is not straight. From a guys perspective anyway, that would never past muster. There is no way in hell I would suddenly fall for a guy under any circumstances, if your totally straight the thought would never even enter your head. Maybe it's different for women?
I can't keep up with your blog, you make mine look pathetic. lol
'C's premise is love is love and you can't always put a gender on it. "
I don't feel comfortable with that statement in this case point. It sounds deceitful within itself.
I think C might be bi and don't want to admit it, or maybe she's just playing around "killing time" which will end up hurting your friend in the long run.
If K did that to me, I would have run far just for being betrayed. I don't like games. Scary.
I remember at some point a good years back, I was so bored, lonely and tired of men and their games. I wondered if I could ever "try" being with a woman to "kill time". I think it was also out of curiosity too. It was just a thought and I knew it wouldn't work out either way.
I remember telling myself if I had the opportunity, she would have to be black or Latina (maybe white or Asian) and very feminine like myself. Which ever the race, she couldn't be more fem than me for sure, or else never mind. We could get along and cuddle like any other couple, but that would be it. I know for a fact I would have had personal hang ups when it comes to lesbian sex. I got rid of the thought immediately.
I probably won't get along with her half the time anyway. It would be like having one of your closest girlfriends being clingy in your face all the time. Why bother play with human emotions if you're not serious.
My feeling about sexuality is that it operates on a continuum. There is more than just homosexual, heterosexual, and bisexual. I perceive sexuality as being more on a Kinsey scale type system, but minus the 'system.'
Since so much of sexuality is cultural and not innate (as far as I'm concerned), it doesn't surprise me that a woman could consider herself straight, but fall in love with and have a romantic relationship with a woman.
I think if human beings continue to socially evolve, in the distant future, gender would not matter much in terms of people becoming partners. Being a man or a woman would be like being brunette or blond.
What's most interesting to me is those people who choose to act outside the norm - as in the case of C.
As for deception - that sounds weird to me, and I personally would not go for a person who lied to me this way, but at the same time, I have a relative who was in a similar situation (he's male; in this case he thought he was talking to a guy, but she revealed herself later to be a woman; they've been together for over 2 years).
That's a pretty confusing thing, but so long as they are happy ....
do you ever sleep siditty? lol
it's funny that you brought up this topic. ppl often joke 'i would go gay for that person' but when do they ever really mean it?
emeritus:
No I never sleep, actually I do, but very sporadically. Ask Casper, I fall asleep chatting with him all the time LOL
i think that if you're a woman who has always dated men and then suddenly move on to women but don't identify as lesbian, then you are bi-sexual or as i like to say, bi-curious.
I think so as well. I can say a woman is attractive, but I can't ever say I wanted to "have relations" with a woman. I do say often I have "girl crushes", but I don't mean really girl crushes, I just think a particular woman is cool.
-----
Personally, it would be over for me b/c I just don't dig women like that and also I would have zero ability to trust a person after that.
I couldn't get over the trust issue either. If you are hiding your gender, what else are you hiding?
One of my ex-coworkers came out to me last month. She said she's been living with her girlfriend for 2 years now and could not be happier. Her gf looks butch but she is the one that has the house clean, dinner on the table, and the kids picked up from daycare when she gets home from work. She said she used to always get with women as well as men but after her youngest child's father, she said she was just fed up with men's bs and that was IT.
I don't know how fed up I could get, I don't think I would completely turn away from men. I guess you never know until you are in someone else's shoes?
----
During some of the more misogynistic times in my life I could completely understand homosexuality. Not because I liked dudes, but because I disliked women. The problem is I am totally addicted to vagina, always have been. This has led to some not so good relationships with women, but hey we all learn from our mistakes, and hopfully mature. One serious deal breaker in every relationship I have ever been in is dishonesty. I would drop you on the spot if I caught you in a lie. I would even put it in the disclaimer speech. So no, I wouldn't be willing to give a homosexual relationship a try based on deceit.
Casper:
I have been through the same situation, I disliking guys, but not disliking sex with guys. You have to weigh out your options, but I definitely agree, the deceit would have been a serious deal breaker.
I think that the sexuality of humans is more than complicated enough to allow for situations like this. *shrugs* Some people have what it takes to do this and some people do not.
Rurouni:
I agree, I don't think sexuality is clearly defined for everyone, but I think the lie alone would have made me run away, even if I was considering the relationship.
I will add another wrench into this whole scenario, C's previous partner, the father of her daughter was in prison, and before he was in prison he physically abused her. I don't understand how this works, but in and out of prison he was cheating on her. He had women come up to the prison and have "conjugal" visits, in the mass family visiting room. I don't know why a guard wouldn't stop that.
I think she had low self esteem and wanted love so badly that she found it with K, regardless of the whole scenario.
It is working for them. More power to them.
------
I can't imagine falling in love with a girl off the bat, but my emotional attachment to my guy is strong enough that I feel I'd stick by him no matter what.
CC I definitely agree...to an extent, except to here:
If he lost several limbs (including his penis), decided he wanted a sex change, wanted to move to a different country etc. etc. I'd just deal and stay by him. I love him, whether he wants to stay a "him" or become a "her". But I consider myself pretty open-minded and I've never been presented with such a decision.
I would love my husband unconditionally if he lost some limbs, including his penis (too much out there to work around that issue), but the whole sex change thing, damn, I don't know. To me that is a level of deceit, many times people who end up doing sex re-assignment surgery, have known for YEARS about their feelings, but were too scared to tell anyone. They usually suffer from depression and other things. Not to mention the mental evaluation and therapy one goes through before going and having the surgery is rigorous. Not to mention the hormones and feminization surgery.
When I worked as a Case Manager in Insurance Claims. I had a guy who was going through this. Not only was he going through depression and alcoholism, his wife went through depression as well, when he made the decision to change his sex. I would think it was due to feeling deceived and realizing that even if you decided to stay, you are not with who you felt you you married, but rather a completely different person.
----
Come on Sid, you don't remember all the girls in college that were totally into girls, but come graduation were sporting engagement rings?
Texasladybird:
I knew quite a few LUGS in college. I think some of the girls who did it were girls trying to impress guys, I swear every girl I went to school with was bi-sexual, but always had a boyfriend. Then there were those scared to be gay in front of their parents, but were waving their flags with a vengeance at school, I think those girls who ended up with guys were scared of parental acceptance, and then the few who just stayed, decided to be true to themselves either they were truly bi or truly lesbian.
As for your friend, I'm gonna say that homechick is bi-curious. And I'm gonna say it now: if C would have turned out to be Black would there have been a relationship?
I can answer that, no. K only likes and is attracted to white girls. Something about pink nipples. I don't really know what that was about.
I hate to say it, but your friend is not straight. From a guys perspective anyway, that would never past muster. There is no way in hell I would suddenly fall for a guy under any circumstances, if your totally straight the thought would never even enter your head. Maybe it's different for women?
I agree with you. I think that women have often wondered if it would be easier to deal with a woman, but never ever got confused and decided they were open to the idea of a sexual relationship with a woman unless they were lesbian or bi.
-----
I think C might be bi and don't want to admit it, or maybe she's just playing around "killing time" which will end up hurting your friend in the long run. If K did that to me, I would have run far just for being betrayed. I don't like games. Scary. I remember at some point a good years back, I was so bored, lonely and tired of men and their games. I wondered if I could ever "try" being with a woman to "kill time". I think it was also out of curiosity too. It was just a thought and I knew it wouldn't work out either way.
I definitely agree. In terms of thinking about it, I think every woman and man have done that, to an extent, but never to the point that they would act upon it and still call themselves straight.
I probably won't get along with her half the time anyway. It would be like having one of your closest girlfriends being clingy in your face all the time. Why bother play with human emotions if you're not serious.
LOL I agree, the way I pictured a lesbian relationship was the girl would have to be feminine, if you going lesbian get a girly girl, and we would go shopping, go to the spa,get our nails done, go see chick flicks, and eat at tea houses. You know do stuff the husband would never get caught dead doing.
Aaaahhh! There is no way a straight person can just suddenly turn gay for one person. If she could be gay for one chic she could and would be for many others.
You know what else I dont get, what's up with women tounging each other down in bars and clubs? This is so disgusting and I dont get why a straight guy would wanna watch girl on girl action. I wouldnt wanna watch two dudes on each other. That aint a turn on. Eish!!!
Sorry for the off topic rant there.
Sid,
Your disclaimer makes me laugh. Hehe.
I think your friend C is in complete denial about her sexuality. In no way is she straight. If she wants to shun labels I can understand that but to hold onto the moniker of straight makes think she may not be ready to come to grips with who she is.
I think that women are more fluid in their sexuality and men are static. I have known women who I thought were devout lesbians who have married guys when their long term lesbian relationships broke up and I know of women who have went to women after their relationships withmen ended. I don't think I have ever met a gay man who has decided to look at women that way (although I do have a gay latino friend who had a near escape with an asian chick a few years ago but that is another story).
Another issue you've touched on with their relationship is the way they met. Why was K looking for white women in a chatroom for straights and then deceiving someone about her gender? Is K thinking of having a sex change or is K committed to living life as a woman? Why would C continue to be with someone who was dishonest about who they were not just from the get-go but wouldn't fess up until the person was emotionally invested in the relationship?
I don't think you are being homophobic nor confused about gender persuasions. I'm surprised they've been together for 6 years but if their relationship works for them then more power to them.
Hey Yanmommasaid,
I think I read that same article that you did about young black females turning to homosexuality because of the promiscuity of black males. I have a friend who I think may be going that way --I'm since we haven't been keeping up like we used to for the last year or two. She gradually let me know what she was into. She was having problems with the men she had been meeting, all of the black guys were jerks. She had no problems meeting a good guy, just finding one she could relate to. First she told me she was getting into watching "The L Word". LOL Then one day we were talking about stuff and she told me about the time a boyfriend took her to a strip club and she got a lap dance and they ended up taking the stripper home and the stripper seemed to be flirting more with her than with dude. (Shrugging shoulders) I suggested she leave the black guys alone and think about taking it to the white side. She tried it but claimed all the white guys she met were a bit too "corny". She then told me about a lesbian female friend she met through another lesbian friend. She knew the woman wanted to get with her and, since my friend just got bought a house, the new lesbian friend was advising her on how to get male friends to come over to get the necessary work done that she needed.
That's around the last I heard from her. I talked to her after that more recently but we didn't discuss her love life.
I think she, like other black women who turn to short-term girlfriends until the right black guy comes along. My friend doesn't see herself as a lesbian but calls herself a freak.
I have another friend who is in her late 40s and just came out to her sons last year. I suspect that this revelation may be a contribution to why her youngest son is acting up. But this friend has been alone for some time and she and her white female friend decided to be a couple.
LOL! Funny one. But there is something sad to that story. This Black woman went into a chatroom for Black men and White women and posed as a black man.
Now, now, Some people usually suggest that BW should become gay because of the shortage of men. But it looks like if BW became gay they may still prefer white women. DANG! When does the rejection stop?
But, personally if I were to become gay (which is close to impossible) my tastes would be strictly for black women.
That is a story and a half!
I don't reckon C could've just been straight.
I'm bi, so its all good with me
Rentec said:
I think that women are more fluid in their sexuality and men are static.
-I completely agree.
@ Soila
I also do not understood how perfectly straight women can tongue each other down. And for what? For the entertainment of surrounding guys who egg them on? When have straight men ever made out for the entertainment of straight women? Lol.
For some reason, guys love it but I can't watch two men kiss. It is not a turn on at all even though I'm not against homosexuality.
I guess it's that whole women being more fluid with their sexuality.
Anyway...I read an article in The NY Times a few years ago about there being a sudden uptick in the number of young black women involved in lesbian relationships. The article took the stance that this was in part due to the rampant misogyny in black culture in general and the relationship-averse nature/relationship unsuitabiliy of many black men in particular.
That is a lot of rubbish, black women are lesbians, because they want to be. Why are white women lesbians and there is an overflow of white men. I really get tired whenever articles refer black culture, which spans a wide range, it seems to be the 50 cent and the video vixens. You will always get people living on the frames of society, black people are no different than anyone else.
like other black women who turn to short-term girlfriends until the right black guy comes along.
The black
right man will never turn up, why should he? these women are lesbian and even if he does, they would not stop them from going back to their girlfriends. So already the relationship have failed before it has started.
LOL !!!!!!!! :-) OMG this is too funny. You ain't homophobic...i'm sure gay people whould be confused and feel betrayed :-P.
Well, biologically speaking, everyone is straight...in the sense that male bodies and female bodies were made for each other.
Like you mentioned, old girl doesn't place any gender boundaries on her love. I imagine she was also lacking other healthy boundaries when she was dating men. The two go hand in hand.
As someone who has had the misfortune of being similarly deceived, I had to lay it down that "loving someone" doesn't give them a special pass for bullshit. Now, had I been of a different state of mind--more emotionally needy, without solid friends, etc.--I might have gone a different route.
Sorry Siditty, couldn't let this pass: the mental evaluation and therapy one goes through before going and having the [sex change] surgery is rigorous.
Don't believe the hype. I could write you a biography right now off the top of my head that would get you approved for a sex change. It's not that hard if you know what to say. You too could be a pregnant "man".
I let people do what they do but that crap pisses me off when they have kids. My cousin really went through because of her mom...
Good post, 'ditty! No danger of "fallout" from over here! LOL
You're a decent person asking a genuine question....you're not being smarmy about it...
Personally, after attempting to squelch my own passions for 25 years (I'm now 41), I'm comfortable with the fact that I am bisexual....I tried to live on one side of the fence (totally het / totally lesbian)...to no avail...
I, too, believe that sexuality is a continuum...however, there are a great many individuals (and institutions) who are threatened by this...not to mention people who are just willing to "live and let live"....
Please don't mention the "L word" to me....the ONLY reason I watch is: PAM GRIER!!!!
*rowr*
That is a lot of rubbish, black women are lesbians, because they want to be. Why are white women lesbians and there is an overflow of white men. I really get tired whenever articles refer black culture, which spans a wide range, it seems to be the 50 cent and the video vixens.
Felicity,
It's true there is not ONE black culture but some generalizations can be made. If not, what do YOU think is the main reason for 70% of black women are unable to find partners to enter monogamous long term relationships with?
Also, I am not saying that the misogyny and unwillingness of black men to have committed reciprocal relationships bw encounter CAUSES some of them to "turn" lesbian. Obviously, acknowledged or otherwise, the attraction to women must have already been there. But like my fried, if some of these women are bi and feel they have the choice of which sex to date, perhaps this atmosphere is making them feel that even with the homophobia, dating women is the choice that will make them happier . In the past some of these women might have just suppressed this attraction, stayed with men, and not had to deal with the homophobia but now that just doesn't seem like a winning proposition.
please view my blog and cooment on recent post :-)...yes i am using siddity's blog...sorry but i think it is like the most popular blog around so :-) hey free publicity !!!
FOR SIDDITY:
I met a woman who said she was tired of being hurt by men so she went lesbo. :-) i think people can do what they want as long as they are not hurting anyone. Funnily enough i was wlking around SOHO london yesturday talking about homosexuality with my mates...i do not know why but this blog seems to always write about what i am thinking...hmmm....
Hmm every woman on Earth could turn me down and still never even consider dating a dude. I imagine there is indeed a biological aspect to this.
Lying about your identity and your gender so that someone will fall in love with you is a form of psychological abuse.
Your friend sounds confused.
For a while I thought I was asexual. I've never been physically attracted to women and at some point I didn't like men either.
"Hmm every woman on Earth could turn me down and still never even consider dating a dude. I imagine there is indeed a biological aspect to this."
C1,
LOL! You are definitely in the wrong environment. You must move otherwise you will die single or be forced to eat your words when you meet Mr. Right.
"For a while I thought I was asexual. I've never been physically attracted to women and at some point I didn't like men either".
I had this tendency too until I realised that I was simply sorrounded mostly men I had no attraction to, Black men.
Yeah, I can't stand women's bodies. YUCK! Especially breasts.
I am not attracted to Latino men either because they tend to have soft bodies. Everytime I hug one I feel yucky and they have very soft hands. Seriously, a man should never have soft cushiony hands.
Felicity,
It's true there is not ONE black culture but some generalizations can be made. If not, what do YOU think is the main reason for 70% of black women are unable to find partners to enter monogamous long term relationships with?
Yanmommasaid, there are several reasons why black women are unable to find partner. Some women go out with a series of useless men, because they feel that can manipulate and control the man, I have met a couple of women like that. Some like to say, I don't need a man, so they don't get one. Some don't want to date other black men, who are not African American. Some don't want to date men from other races.
Some want to date other men from other races, but they spend their time worrying what other people would say and they loose out.
There are numerous reasons for black women being single.
Also there are 60% of African American men who are single and they complain, they can't find nice woman either. I think that to be in a relationship, you have to be very honest with yourself and if you are not, you run into all sorts of problems.
Some Bw are just are not pleasant people to be with. Some of them lesbians, so they don't want a man anyway.
I wonder if there are any statistics on how many lesbians (black, esp. since that is who we are talking about) claim to be and live as lesbians because they are sick of men? I would venture to guess that number is pretty small.
Men can be annoying, but if you like the penis, you like the penis. And if black women were so fed up with black men - why not start dating men of other races before changing your sexual preference? That doesn't make any sense to me. And I'm willing to bet there are a lot of black lesbians who are in relationships with non black lesbians, so if they were willing to go out side their "race" in that regard, why not just stick with men?
The notion that black women become lesbians out of desperation just isn't flying with me. And I think it's pretty rude to lesbians, too. I would be offended if someone told me I married a non black man out of desperation.
Hello Siditty,
Peronally I think you are right I would feel betrayed. if i thought i was dating a woman but found out it was a guy instead I would be hurt because he lied to me to get me. I'm not gay nor plan on being so but to me it sounds like your friend is over looking how the relationship happened and trying to just be in the relationship. it has been my experence that the how you became a couple and the why you are a couple are just as important as the being a couple if lied founded the relationship and deception was the foundation that relationship to me would seem false.
Glad you brought this topic up. I’ve been thinking about this lately and I think one of my close friends might be a lesbian or maybe bisexual and she doesn’t know it yet. How do I know this? Well from the way she acts and the things she says does leave me speechless at times! Like many other lesbians she’s been disappointed a couple of times by black men and she’s just about given up! She’s always telling me about how she wishes she was born a lesbian and then she won’t have to deal with bullshit from men. I suggested she try men from other races but she wasn’t having any of it - she’s well attractive as well, so its not like she cant pull men from other races- but she’s one of those ‘nothing but a black man’ type of black women :(
She’s always going on about how she doesn’t give a crap about black men now, and that she’d rather look at a female body that a male one. She says she can go as far as stomach looking at the top half of the male body but not the “bottom”! And I always see her checking me out - don’t mean to toot my own horn here but its true :) which does make me uncomfortable at times! she checks out other girls as well...she even has pictures of beyonce, tyra, Gabrielle union etc in their BIKINIS plastered on her bedroom wall. Why would a 'straight' woman spend soo much time looking at another female’s body (am presuming she does) and go as far as having posters and stuff? I would understand if she was on some sort of diet and needed the posters for inspiration, but she’s already skinny so what are they for? Quiet creepy if you asked me! Now I know I’d be lying if I said I don’t ‘check out’ other girls booties, but its not done in a “sexual” way, I just merely compare them with mine and then laugh at the flat ones! :)
I know for a fact am not homophobic (for those who are wondering), as I don’t mind having gay male friends, it’s just the lesbians that creep me out! I know am going to have to get used to this as there more gay/lesbian people in the UK than they are black people, so am more likely to run into them, which is okay, I guess :(
And apparently the UK lesbians loves them some Serena Williams, she was voted as the 3rd most lasted after female tennis athlete!
http://sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=14683905
And I also came across this article about how ‘hot’ black lesbians are in cyberspace? Interesting stuff! :)
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/blogs/content/shared-blogs/palmbeach/blackculture/entries/2008/05/23/black_lesbians_hot_in_cyberspa.html
well at least now I know, if I ever decide to go down that route (god forbid) I’ll still have some options. Not bad eh? :)
Noooo, not a woman for me. Not that I'm knocking lesbians, to each her own. My hubbie has hinted about having a treesome, when I told him sure, as long as I can have two men in return. He never brought it up again.
lesbian attitudes on bi-s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPRbIOleVOE
studs and femmes issues
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oozVIH0dyw0&feature=related
If a str8 girls gets...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1aFchkxJAc&feature=PlayList&p=2E4DFEA3BF04F25F&index=6
I sure learned a lot.
Siditty I had a question. This may seem too obvious, but when you say, " I LOVE men" how do you mean that? I'm wondering if I " could" be bi, and I want to understand where definitely straight women are with their feelings toward men compared to myself.
Taking sex out of the picture, would you say that you enjoy the company of men more than women and feel emotionally closer to them?
Or do you mean in terms of 'falling in love'?
I guess part of my confusion comes from the fact that I've always been emotionally closer and had deeper relationships with women eventhough they were not sexual. Due to my life experiences, I see men as abusive, emotionally detached and distant. SAd, but it wasn't until I was WAY into adulthood that I finally saw that there were some good men who actually did love their wives or girlfriends. But I guess I'm still afraid of men, in a way. The news sure doesn't help.
You know what else I dont get, what's up with women tounging each other down in bars and clubs? This is so disgusting and I dont get why a straight guy would wanna watch girl on girl action. I wouldnt wanna watch two dudes on each other. That aint a turn on. Eish!!!
Soila:
I don't know why that is. It is gross to me, but hey guys apparently think it is sexy. I am not willing to tongue down another girl to get a guys attention, but I know girls who would.
----
Your disclaimer makes me laugh. Hehe.
Nelo:
I was not thinking when I started searching for pics for this topic LOL I got all kinds of things that are not safe for work LOL
----
I think your friend C is in complete denial about her sexuality. In no way is she straight. If she wants to shun labels I can understand that but to hold onto the moniker of straight makes think she may not be ready to come to grips with who she is.
Rentec:
I agree.
I think that women are more fluid in their sexuality and men are static.
I don't know I think that it depends on the individual. I know many men who have a "fluid" sexuality. I think that many times people cave into societal and religious pressures due to the stigma of certain sexualities. I think sometimes, I think in the case of K & C, I think C was beaten down so much emotionally and physically by men in her past, she had low self esteem and K came at the right moment. I think her need to be loved and respected surpassed sexuality. K provided that for her, in her mind.
ith their relationship is the way they met. Why was K looking for white women in a chatroom for straights and then deceiving someone about her gender? Is K thinking of having a sex change or is K committed to living life as a woman? Why would C continue to be with someone who was dishonest about who they were not just from the get-go but wouldn't fess up until the person was emotionally invested in the relationship?
To answer the C thing, definitely low self image and the need to be loved. For K, I don't know why she did that, K has stated she wanted a feminine woman and the lesbian chat rooms did not have that, but I know plenty of feminine looking women who are lesbians. I don't know the real answer. K also feels the lesbian population isn't very open to IR, and since she is only attracted to white women, that keeps her single. K is not looking to have a sex change, at least I don't think.
I don't think you are being homophobic nor confused about gender persuasions. I'm surprised they've been together for 6 years but if their relationship works for them then more power to them.
I wish them the best, different strokes for different folks.
-----
Rentec:
I have been watching both Queer As Folk and The L Word on netflix. I love them both, but I am not considering changing my sexuality LOL
----
Like you mentioned, old girl doesn't place any gender boundaries on her love. I imagine she was also lacking other healthy boundaries when she was dating men. The two go hand in hand.
T-hype,
I definitely agree, from her past experiences, C didn't have healthy boundaries in ANY of her past relationships.
As someone who has had the misfortune of being similarly deceived, I had to lay it down that "loving someone" doesn't give them a special pass for bullshit. Now, had I been of a different state of mind--more emotionally needy, without solid friends, etc.--I might have gone a different route
Maybe, I don't think that someone who has a strong grasp of a relationship or at least a healthy relationship, straight or gay would have continued with the relationship at all. I couldn't get past the blatant lying.
----
You're a decent person asking a genuine question....you're not being smarmy about it...
Diosanerga:
I have to question myself because a few years back, I was told I was homophobic by a lesbian female co-worker who felt that because I wouldn't let her kiss me on the lips while we were hanging out at a gay club, I was a hater of lesbians. I think I was just shocked she was trying to kiss me.
Suesue:
I will add you over at the side. I am sorry I never responded to your email. It is actually sitting in limbo over at Gmail :)
-----
Hmm every woman on Earth could turn me down and still never even consider dating a dude. I imagine there is indeed a biological aspect to this.
C1:
I don't know look at all the rampant homosexuality in prison. A guy with some soft skin and pretty eyes could reek havoc on a man with "needs" LOL
Lying about your identity and your gender so that someone will fall in love with you is a form of psychological abuse.
Ladonna:
I completely agree.
-----
I wonder if there are any statistics on how many lesbians (black, esp. since that is who we are talking about) claim to be and live as lesbians because they are sick of men? I would venture to guess that number is pretty small.
I agree too, as many times as a man has made me angry, I have never seriously considered a woman as a potential partner. I can appreciate a woman's beauty and not be sexually attracted to her.
----
I'm not gay nor plan on being so but to me it sounds like your friend is over looking how the relationship happened and trying to just be in the relationship. it has been my experence that the how you became a couple and the why you are a couple are just as important as the being a couple if lied founded the relationship and deception was the foundation that relationship to me would seem false.
bwtamedken:
I agree
----
Nana:
Your friend sounds like she is ready to experiment with her sexuality. She could be bi?
I know for a fact am not homophobic (for those who are wondering), as I don’t mind having gay male friends, it’s just the lesbians that creep me out! I know am going to have to get used to this as there more gay/lesbian people in the UK than they are black people, so am more likely to run into them, which is okay, I guess :(
I don't know gay men or lesbians don't bother me. The only time I was ever bothered was when a woman tried to kiss me.
----
Noooo, not a woman for me. Not that I'm knocking lesbians, to each her own. My hubbie has hinted about having a treesome, when I told him sure, as long as I can have two men in return. He never brought it up again.
D'esiree:
Your husband was brave. My husband is too self conscious to have a 3 somesome. He told me it was too much work. It was hard enough with 1 woman, anymore would be torture, that and the whole it would freak him out to see me making out with anyone man or woman that was not him. I definitely understand that.
-----
Siditty I had a question. This may seem too obvious, but when you say, " I LOVE men" how do you mean that? I'm wondering if I " could" be bi, and I want to understand where definitely straight women are with their feelings toward men compared to myself. Taking sex out of the picture, would you say that you enjoy the company of men more than women and feel emotionally closer to them? Or do you mean in terms of 'falling in love'?
Persephone:
Love the name by the way :) This is a good question, but I am going to be honest with you, my answer is very skewed by my past. I was abused by both men and women. I questioned my sexuality for a long time, and I was very asexual as a result. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18. I had multiple abusers of both genders, so you can't help but to wonder. I guess it is part of the cycle of abuse though.
To answer your question I have always been emotionally closer to guys. This is kind of sexist, but I felt they were more willing to protect me. They were the first to question anyone I had a crush on, and always made sure they were around. As I became involved with my husband, those friendships went away out of respect for him, as he wasn't a fan of me hanging out with guys. I love men on not just an emotional level, but sexual level, as with women, I can appreciate their beauty, but not in a sexual way. I have emotional connections with more women than men now, but there has never been a sexual attraction to them. I have friends aside from K and C that identify as lesbian or bisexual, but I have never had an attraction to them in that way.
Due to my life experiences, I see men as abusive, emotionally detached and distant. SAd, but it wasn't until I was WAY into adulthood that I finally saw that there were some good men who actually did love their wives or girlfriends. But I guess I'm still afraid of men, in a way. The news sure doesn't help.
I think you should explore your fear of men, I think that may have an impact on how you view relationships. I know I had to do some soul searching with my abuse on how I viewed sex.
I do have two cousins who have the same father (but were not raised together, long story) who are both lesbians, and I wonder if there is a genetic component as well.
"And apparently the UK lesbians loves them some Serena Williams, she was voted as the 3rd most lasted after female tennis athlete!"
LOL! I remember those UK Lesbians. they are quiet aggressive LOL!
"My hubbie has hinted about having a treesome, when I told him sure, as long as I can have two men in return. He never brought it up again".
Thanks for that tip.
"I guess part of my confusion comes from the fact that I've always been emotionally closer and had deeper relationships with women eventhough they were not sexual. Due to my life experiences, I see men as abusive, emotionally detached and distant. SAd, but it wasn't until I was WAY into adulthood that I finally saw that there were some good men who actually did love their wives or girlfriends. But I guess I'm still afraid of men, in a way. The news sure doesn't help.
If I may, I also never saw men as capable of loving but have met afew that changed my ming. I always thought men were incapable of love.
However, I never felt an emotional connection with women either. Infact I am quite irritated by emotional women. Especially the girly types. (No offense to all you girly ones out there).
I guess you just need more time to come to terms with alot with in yourself, if you try to look for comfort outside yourself you will end up dissappointed.
Felicity and H Sofia,
You guys really kind of extended my comments beyond what I was saying.
Felicity- those reasons might pertain to some black women but to the extent of 70%, and climbing, being single? Come on there are a lot of external factors at play. People throw away "nothing but a black man" with such contempt but I think it is rather telling that black women are the ONLY group of women who are expressly told they haven't got a snowball's chance in hell of finding a partner within their own race. Have we forgotten that same race relationships are overwhelmingly the norm? Even the "queens" of IR dating, Asian women, are still married to Asian men 75% of the time. But BW seeking to date BM is viewed as pathological.
_____________________
H Sofia,
I would be offended if someone told me I married a non black man out of desperation.
I guess you must steer clear of many of the IRR blogs because that is kind of the message. Black women must date other race men as NECESSITY. It's the only way you'll ever have any hope of finding a real relationship!!!
If a woman is latently bisexual or "fluid" in her sexual orientation, whether she was aware of it or not beforehand, I don't see making the choice to stop dating men as any less valid than the choice to date stop dating black men (which is what a lot of BW on the IR scene have chosen to do).
Some other people can have their heads in the clouds pretending that as soon as a bw decides to go outside the race, there will be a flood of emotionally available, sensitive, commitment-seeking white (and other race) men coming to sweep her off her feet, but like Fiona Apple said, "I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream,".There are plenty of white men who are absolute dogs out there.
And by no means am I saying most lesbians are with women out of frustration with men. But certainly some who had attraction to both sexes can and have made the choice to only act on their attraction to one. This goes for bi women deciding to only have hetero relationships as well.
WOW, I've been on homosexual blogs that haven't covered the issues as much! LOL I have live happiy ever after with a bisexual woman for 29 years. I am ne of those "woman trapped in a male body" types, so I am actually straight. And here is MY opinion: sexuallity is NOT about attraction, but about repulsion. And along the Kinsey line---middle are bi's who are repulsed by neither male or female (so, ONLY a bi-female could have been my forever mate) and this is why many feel gay is a choice, because for them it was/is. But at both ends are those who are repulsed by sex with the same gender body. So the repulsion factor was not there and she could carry on. I agree that lying would be a deal breaker though. But, if she is in love with the person---go girl. Too little love in the world. Great post an I admire how thoughtful all of you were. That is rare on non-homosexual blogs.
PS--I often am confused by people's sexual choices too. (As are scientists.)
If she says she's straight, she's straight. She knows what and who she is attracted to. What difference does it really make how we label this woman? Love IS love.
No you're not homophobic. That sounds weird as hell! I'd be pissed off if I found out I was talking to a woman because....wait for it....I'm not gay!
Yan said: "I guess you must steer clear of many of the IRR blogs because that is kind of the message. Black women must date other race men as NECESSITY. It's the only way you'll ever have any hope of finding a real relationship!!!"
Oh yes, I do! I steer clear. I don't read more than a handful of IRR blogs.
Post a Comment