2008-06-20

When A Black Woman Needs Help

I read this post over at one of my favorite blogs, Los Angelista's Guide To The Pursuit of Happiness. I think it goes well with the current theme of black women and their treatment in the black community in comparison to black men.

Let me know what you think. Thanks for this wonderful post Los Angelista:

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that broke my heart. She's someone I've known since I was nine or ten years old and she's been going through a really tough time for the past year or so. I've often wished I was back in Chicago so I could be there for her more than I have been. I don't want to put her business out on front street but talking to her made me think about something I've asked myself many times over the years: What's the response when a black woman asks for help?

I've been thinking about this for many years because when I was in college, I noticed an interesting phenomenon happening with a few of the young black men who were among my best friends. Almost all of them lived at home with their parents, none of them were going to college even though one or both of their parents was college educated and they were often treated by their mothers and most of the friends we mutually had as an endangered species. Not that that perspective was necessarily wrong because looking at the statistics, they are often in physical, mental, spiritual and emotional danger. I also worry about all those statistics when I look at my own sons and the possibilities of what could happen scare me. It's just that the same care and attention was most often not given to the black girls and women I knew.

Out of the black women I knew, none of them lived at home with their parents. Almost all of them were going to college. Many had more than one job on top of school responsibilities, and if any of us said we were short on the rent and didn't know where the money was coming from, there was no helping hand to assist. If we were hungry, well, we just had to be hungry. We were not regarded as being an endangered species because we're supposed to be the Strong Black Woman -- you know, the woman who has endured birthing babies in the field and going back to picking cotton twenty minutes later.

For so many black women I know, there is a complete double standard in how they were brought up compared to their brothers or male cousins. The brothers and cousins were "loved" and the daughters were "raised". The lives of many of the black women I've known have been an intersection of the real axis of evil, racism and gender inequality. I remember how in high school, guys I know were expected to have girlfriends and their mothers would chuckle over their son's attractiveness to the opposite sex. The more girls calling the house the better.

On the other hand, some girls I knew were called whore and slut and beaten/grounded if a guy called them up. Academics were pushed with girls, and although they might be pushed with the boys, being cool was pushed just as much.

So many of the girls I know, girls who are now women, were raised with the attitude that black women have got to be self reliant, you've got to hold it together and if you're having a tough time, you better hustle and figure it out on your own because you don't have anyone to count on but yourself.

I remember being 19 years old and asking my now husband why it was that he was always getting asked if he was hungry but no one ever asked me if I was hungry. His black male friends were always being asked if they were hungry too. If these guys said yes, somebody would immediately fix them something to eat. Or, if we were out in public and one of my black male friends said, "I don't have any money," someone would buy them a meal or pay for their movie ticket. If they didn't have a ride somewhere, then someone would come pick them up. If they needed a job, hook-ups would happen.

Sometimes this all got particularly weird and seemed to have racial undertones to it because we hung out with a very diverse group of people. The sociologist in me would wonder how much of a role guilt was playing into some of the interactions I'd observe between my friends and those in our circle who were not black. I just knew that young black women weren't being cultivated and nurtured in the same way. Some would use the word "coddled" instead of nurtured. Sometimes my friends made me angry though because at times it felt like they sort of milked some folks' perceptions in order to get a hook up.

The person offering up the food or money for a movie ticket was most often not a black female. Black females would look at these guys and be like, "And? So? I guess you're not going to the movie then."

There was the racially sexualized dynamic between the black males I knew and the young white women of our acquaintance. I remember one college boyfriend brutally explaining to me that he was cheating on me with a white girl we both knew because she would give him, "her car, her cash and that ass."

Funny how some things are said to you and you never forget them.

Anyway, I can't tell you how many times this discussion about the differences in the way black women and men are treated by society has come up when I'm a room full of black men and women. Most often it's turned into a huge, heated argument where the women are sharing what they've been through and how they didn't have, for example, white girls lending a car, buying laptops for them or taking them shopping at the mall and they didn't have a mom at home telling them that it didn't matter what they did, they'd love them no matter what, and if things didn't work out, they could stay at home forever.

The men turn around and say that at least the women don't have to get harassed by the cops and put in special education. At least the women don't have folks grabbing their purse and crossing the street when they see a scary black man coming. The conversation never ends well.

So, like I said, my friend is really going through some struggles and yet many of the same people that would bend over backwards to lend a helping hand to the guys I knew back in the day are blind and deaf to her plight. She's not too proud to ask for help, but listening to her yesterday, her requests for assistance are being ignored.

I can't help but wonder if the response would be different if she was male.

27 comments:

cocoalady said...

That is so true. Case in point, my family. There are three of us. My older sister, myself, and my younger brother. My sister (27) has been working nonstop since she was 16, I (22) have been working nonstop since I was 17, my brother (20) lost his job in Jan. and hasn't been working since. My sister went to college but dropped out, IM in college, and my brother just recieved his diploma this year (after going to an alternative school). I've noticed that his is spoiled and no matter how much I try to tell my mom this she doesn't want to hear it. She thinks IM just being jealous. All he does is play his Xbox all day and go out all night and she doesn't say anything to him, but will complain to me about him being a "sorry nergo." But, if I try to go out I have to fill out a questionaire before I can even step out the door. On top of that, if I don't come home at a reasonable time I get a phone call or two, sometimes three. She says she does this because he's a man and its different for man. How can you call someone a "sorry negro", but let them get away with murder. I don't think it's right at all that black women are treated in a way where they have to fend for themselves. I try not to ask for help because I don't like depending on anyone.

Kenya said...

Sometimes I feel like popele perceive a black woman asking for help is akin to be a 'golddigger' or a user.
or rather, some welfare queen living off the system.
Everyone else can be an unfortunate soul who fell on hard times.

This may be an exaggeration but sometimes I feel that is the perception of a black woman who asks for assistance.

texasladybird said...

Reading this just about broke my heart. I want to give this girl a hug and tell her it's gonna be ok.

I retired my "Strong Black Woman" jersey a long time ago. I got myself into therapy and started confronting all the things that turned me into a "Strong Black Woman". It was only then that I could be comfortable with my emotions and asking for help.

And maybe it's just me, but when I dropped the "Strong Black Woman" vibe, I started making more friends and dating more. I felt more open to new things and started letting people in.

It's a nice feeling.

HBC said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Casper said...

I agree with teaching your kids self reliance. It was taught to me and I fully plan on passing down the tradition. The flip side is I also think that developing social skills is critically important.

Having a good work ethic and having some street smarts goes a long way.

Anonymous said...

So true, especially the asking if you're hungry thing. They may ask the women sometimes but best believe that if and when they do she must fix her own plate. Mysoginy at it's finest.

HBC said...

Sid,

This really says it all. I believe this is where all their(black men) misogynistic, sexist and chauvinistic views of women originates from. I have to say this, black mothers have to stop raising (cuddling) black males in this fashion because it has done nothing but contribute to their overall failure as men in this society. The other factor that has contributed this, is the absence of black fathers. Young black males need to have the presence of strong black male role models in their lives.

As much as, black males and so-called the black community want to lay all the blame at the feet of black women. Someone needs to ask the so-called black community this question, how are black males suppose to become men if men aren't present to show them how to survive as men, in this society?

Los Angelista said...

I'm still thinking about my post too, especially since I'm going home to the Chi in four days and I'm going to see my friend AND see all the folks who have not been supportive of her and steady talk behind her back about how it's her fault that she's in the situation she's in -- had an insanely abusive husband who, among other things, cleared out their bank account and skipped off to the UK, leaving her and her son with the mortgage, all the bills, etc.

I can't wait to give her a hug and shower some love on her and her little boy.

Felicity said...

I have realised how black women are treated in our own community and it is not very nice at all. I remember when my ex-husband ended our marriage and my mother said, if you don't want her, bring her back, she is our precious daughter but my father said nothing and I'm not blaming my ex husband, but I have seen it and experienced. Our expectations for our men is very low, if though he gives you mental abuse, or physical abuse, or a womaniser, but the excuse, it's hard for a black men in a White society, or you should be lucky, because he pays your bills or your child fees, or he comes to see your child. Black mothers are guilty of bringing up their sons like that, but unfortunately the world changes and black women want different things, hence the bitterness and angry of some black men and some women.

Anonymous said...

The dynamics of the author's post rings a slight bell for me, for I am a second-generation Sudanese immigrant in the eighth grade (I am northern, not southern, so I unfortunately look like Alek Wek, those handsome bastards)*.

Sudanese men are v. v. v. coddled back home (which I believe is to do with Islam, for southern men seem to be less so), while women are not. When the Sudanese immigrate here, men have a difficult time assimilating into North American society due to their general unfamiliarity with being the underdog, while the women are, and women tend to do better here. This is a slight generalization, but you seem an effinhellofalot smarter than a significant proportion of the general population, so I am going to assume you get the gist of what I am saying. I guess anal political correctness and fear of offending is what occurs when one hangs out with too many white people, along with being a bad dancer.

Could being too spoiled be a reason African American men aren't succeeding at the rate of African American women?

*I know this is v. irrelevent, but southern Sudanese people are soooooo good looking, omfg. If one gets them to a dentist and a gym, they will all be slight variations of Rita Marley, Denzel Washington, Alek Wek, and Djimon Honsou.

classical one said...

I think the ladies need to start a female black panther group, for black women's self defense. Now that would revolutionary!

Siditty said...

I think the ladies need to start a female black panther group, for black women's self defense. Now that would revolutionary!

C1,

You just think black chicks with guns are hot don't cha? LOL

I don't think there could ever be a successful movement of that magnitude. Black women doing better than black men is already seen as a bad thing to some in the black community. For black women to be organized would be considered an atrocity.

Siditty said...

Cocoalady:

I think I was fortunate in the fact that my mom grew up the 2nd oldest of 10 kids 7 brothers, as sister, and a half sister. My mother didn't get coddled at all. She had to cook, clean, and take care of her brothers, as her father didn't believe boys should do chores or housework. He also didn't believe in education. He gave my mom $8 total for her first degree. That didn't pay for much in college, not even in 1971. He fully supported his sons going to college, even though the majority of them either didn't go or dropped out. He was the same with my youngest aunt. He did nothing to encourage her to go to school. Of course this is also the same man who asked me why at age 16 I had not had children yet, and was I going to be hi siditty like my momma. Love grandpa. I guess I said all that to say, my mom's background led her to not so much do that with me and my brother, of course, my situation is a bit different as my brother does have autism, so we were treated differently in that respect, but she didn't have expectations set upon me based upon me being a female or my brother being a male. My father did not either. I think he did have some gender biases, such as curfew and dating, but again with my brother being autistic, I didn't get to see that side of things to compare.

----

Sometimes I feel like popele perceive a black woman asking for help is akin to be a 'golddigger' or a user.
or rather, some welfare queen living off the system.
Everyone else can be an unfortunate soul who fell on hard times.


Kenya:

I hate we can never be victims, only people who fraud the system or take the "easy way out"

----

I retired my "Strong Black Woman" jersey a long time ago. I got myself into therapy and started confronting all the things that turned me into a "Strong Black Woman". It was only then that I could be comfortable with my emotions and asking for help.

I am still working on it. I feel that in some ways I gotta live up to the stereotype. I don't let folks know I cry, I don't show emotion sometimes, and I try my hardest to prove I don't need anyone's help. I can say I don't know, but I will figure out a way to make it work come hell or high water to prove I can do things on my own. I think not doing so is a sign of weakness. You know black women can't be weak, right? LOL

-----

I have to say this, black mothers have to stop raising (cuddling) black males in this fashion because it has done nothing but contribute to their overall failure as men in this society. The other factor that has contributed this, is the absence of black fathers. Young black males need to have the presence of strong black male role models in their lives.

I definitely agree.

-----

I'm still thinking about my post too, especially since I'm going home to the Chi in four days and I'm going to see my friend AND see all the folks who have not been supportive of her and steady talk behind her back about how it's her fault that she's in the situation she's in -- had an insanely abusive husband who, among other things, cleared out their bank account and skipped off to the UK, leaving her and her son with the mortgage, all the bills, etc.


That is too sad, instead of helping, they turn their backs on her. How is she expected to be blamed alone for the husband? Should they not talk about him and how he has abandoned his child?

Siditty said...

. Our expectations for our men is very low, if though he gives you mental abuse, or physical abuse, or a womaniser, but the excuse, it's hard for a black men in a White society, or you should be lucky, because he pays your bills or your child fees, or he comes to see your child. Black mothers are guilty of bringing up their sons like that, but unfortunately the world changes and black women want different things, hence the bitterness and angry of some black men and some women.

I don't understand the mentality either. It is hard for a black man in white society, I understand that, but isn't it for a black woman? Don't we share the same skin? Aren't we in the same boat to an extent. Why is the white man getting blamed for the abuse or mistreatment a black man inflicts upon a black woman? Why do we allow this. We have to look at the big picture and figure out what is going on.

-----

Sudanese men are v. v. v. coddled back home (which I believe is to do with Islam, for southern men seem to be less so), while women are not. When the Sudanese immigrate here, men have a difficult time assimilating into North American society due to their general unfamiliarity with being the underdog, while the women are, and women tend to do better here.

I wonder if the American sentiment is based upon Islamic or African roots? There is a strong Afrocentric/black nationalist movement, where many look at the customs of certain cultures and try to adapt it here. I know many supposed Black Hebrew Israelites who subscribe to the woman must be in the home and the man is the head or leader and she must serve him and be behind him to mindset. They claim it is how a home is supposed to be, and they claim it is how it is in Africa. The sad thing is, most of these folks have barely left their state of birth, much less America to know these things for sure. They also use the Christian Bible, reading passages from their to prove their point as well.

Grata said...

"(I am northern, not southern, so I unfortunately look like Alek Wek, those handsome bastards)*."

Anon,

Are the nothern Sudanese the Arab like ones and the Southern ones the blacks (like Alek Wek)?

Grata said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grata said...

"I retired my "Strong Black Woman" jersey a long time ago. I got myself into therapy and started confronting all the things that turned me into a "Strong Black Woman". It was only then that I could be comfortable with my emotions and asking for help".

My biggest problem with the SBW label is with dating. I have met many men that want me to be exactly that. It turns me off big time. I didn't choose to be the SBW, my life just molded me that way. I know no other way. I recognize the down side of the label but I won't even attempt to change it because that is basically who I am. But loathe people that are attracted to me because of that.
One white guy was very upfront about it. He did not mind being pussy whipped. I can't tell you how disgusted I was.

Grata said...

"Why is the white man getting blamed for the abuse or mistreatment a black man inflicts upon a black woman? Why do we allow this"

That tells us alot about black men. But how many do make it despite the white mans's oppression? They are proof that one can still make it regardless of what hurdles are out there. Seriously if the slaves had the same mentality as many of these men today, slavery would still be alive and well.

"They claim it is how a home is supposed to be, and they claim it is how it is in Africa".

African cultures are so diverse. In my part, our cultures expect alot from both the man and the woman. A strong woman is adored and a weak man despised. Not taking care of your children makes you an outcast and useless to society. There are still gender biases but they can only get so far as the women are quite tough.

So these people following "African" culture are generalizing.

kyleth said...

"Why is the white man getting blamed for the abuse or mistreatment a black man inflicts upon a black woman? Why do we allow this."

The fact that some black men can't own up to their responsibility for how they treat black women is something akin to a cultural narcissism. It's never their fault and their reasons for it are diffuse. A lot of the blame is heaped upon black women and some of it is put upon the white man.

If a black man falls down it is OBVIOUSLY because the woman behind him wasn't strong enough to hold him up. (Please pardon my sarcasm.) If a black man falls down it is OBVIOUSLY because a white man pushed him.

I have seen this idea because my brother who is turning 34 this year is going on his 14th straight year of living with my mother. He claims that all the women out there are awful and the world is too racist for him to get a job. I say he just needs to get off his ass.

DigitalCoyote said...

I have to agree with the blog you re-posted. I didn't notice how pervasive the split was when I was younger. It started to bother me around 10 or so. Sure, the older ladies would fawn over me for being smart, but they'd tear me apart in a heartbeat if I was a number off multiplying triple digit numbers in my head. There was no sort of repercussions for my cousins, all male, when they screwed up in Pop Warner football or failed classes in school.

As I got older, it became very clear. I was always pushed to be a respectable girl; in keeping with this, I helped around my older relatives' houses and didn't ask for anything. The boys, on the other hand, were begging for things they didn't need on a daily basis, eating like they were starving, and leaving the dishes for someone other than themselves to look after. I couldn't run to any of the adults for help when I was being attacked by one of those cousins, the baby of all the boys and less than two months younger than myself, in particular. There was no possible way he would do that to me. He was an angel! It was always for something stupid, like not giving him the TV remote if I was there first, and far beyond the "normal" tussling little kids get in to. I got tired of it and decided it was better to give than to receive when it came to these matters, although I made sure to never take the first swing in case he tried to blame me for starting it. Eventually, he and his brothers, by extension, got the point and left me alone.

Fast-forward a few years. I've graduated high school, am accepted to college, and I turned out pretty okay despite some predictions that I was going to be a savage because I avoided church like the plague. I shouldn't think I'm proud 'cause I think I'm "better than somebody." The same younger cousin eventually graduates high school 2-3 years late, barely escaping a possible stint in jail for willfully and knowingly doing something stupid, and he's on the verge of having a ticker tape parade. I just could not wrap my brain around it. I'm being torn down at every turn but, unlike my cousins, I'm the one with the HS diploma, no kids, and no police record? The other boys don't have the former, but have a combination of the two latters. Being in college only made things worse: my grandmother and the rest of them turned to trying to shame me in to dropping my dream of being a "dirty old dog doctor," which I've wanted to do since I was 6, in favor of being a "real" doctor. There are never any comments like this made to the boys.

At the same time, none of them have any aspirations beyond living with their mothers and having their rotations of girls take care of them. One of the middle boys was upset that the mother of his daughter was going to move away to TX. He decided he was going to try to get custody. His mother, my aunt, flipped out when my mother suggested that he get a job and earn money so he could get his own apartment instead of floating from couch to couch. How could he take on a child without having a stable environment? My aunt countered with the argument that the world was just racist against her son, a black man, and the system was out to get him no matter what.

The last straw came when the youngest boy threatened me at Christmas one year. I was sent to retrieve the phone from him and he became aggressive with me, even after I explained my mother told me to get it. At this point, he was at least 5 inches taller and probably 30 pounds heavier than me; he tried to work it to his advantage by getting in my face and trying to scare me. My great-aunt intervened when he was shouting at me and I was waiting for him to swing. She didn't chastise him for threatening me, for disobeying my mother, or anything like that.

"Don't you know he's a man and he could kill you!?! Don't talk to him like that! You'll need him someday!"

When I asked her what exactly I'd "need" him for, my great-aunt said that I'd need him to intervene in the event my husband or boyfriend started beating on me. I told her that was what the cops were for and that I'd probably be better on my own without my cousin anway: I've beaten him up more times than he's beaten me. She started in again about how he was physically superior to me because he was a man--my cousin never ran to tell anything about a fight he'd started when he'd had his ass whipped by a girl smaller than him--and I told her how the dent in my grandmother's living room floor came to be. During a particularly nasty fight he started, I picked him up and slammed him in to that floor, then left him there; he was ten kinds of nice afterward.

My aunt told me I had no business fighting with that boy, nevermind the fact that they did nothing when I came to them trying to avoid a fight.

I suppose I shouldn't be suprised. My great-uncle has been coddled for so long that he's absolutely helpless, unable to do things that are even still within his capacity because my great-aunt and grandp-mother have divested him of responsibility for so long.

As far as the involvement with white girls goes, my mom's brother married one. She was a nice lady and I've missed her every day since she passed away. The family had two faces: they would smile in her face, but talk shit behind her back, laughing as my uncle took her money, her house, and other things like it was the right thing to do. He was getting his. I started dating a white guy almost two years ago and when they met him this past winter, all hell broke loose. I was single-handedly going to destroy the black community by not making black babies.

If I want to cut already frayed ties with my cousins because of how they act, I'm going to destroy the black community by not supporting "our" young black men.

I guess I'm airing my family's dirty laundry, but I'm glad that I'm not alone in having to seen or experienced things in the post from the other blog.

CC said...

my grandmother and the rest of them turned to trying to shame me in to dropping my dream of being a "dirty old dog doctor," which I've wanted to do since I was 6, in favor of being a "real" doctor.

Seems like half the black people I meet respond with "why can't you just be a human doctor?" when I say I'm working toward being a vet. Oooo, don't get me started on this shit >.<.

Anonymous said...

Grata: The Southern Sudanese are far more authentically African than the Northerners, who are v. Arab. Khartoum is Cairo with darker skinned people. The Northerners are pretty racist toward the Southerners. They like caucasian features, just not on caucasian people, for they think that white people are rather hideous. Now, I know I shouldn't generalize, but this was the general feel that I got when I was there. Northerners basically look like Ethiopians with rounder noses.

Anonymous said...

Siditty: I have no idea. This notion that Islam is African has always baffled me, for that is as ridiculous as claiming Jesus Christ is an Australian. The Nubians (my tribe, my people, however one will refer to it), were v. accepting of women. Of couse, there were gendered discrimination, but not as much, as say, in the Middle Ages. We only got Islamist after the British colonized us.

Emeritus said...

hmm i've been gone for a while but im back now.

this blog made me think a bit. somewhere along the path of life, i picked up subconsciously somehow, that women are far more resilient and sturdy both in childhood and adult life whereas males tend to recover from trauma, stress, etc less gracefully. i have never actually extended this thinking to african american males and females specifically, just males and females in general. this has boiled over into my spoiling my little brother (i whoop that ass too when i need to) and i find that i have a special preference for male babies because i think they need more love. i am currently trying to work on my thinking.

i never thought of my bias from your perspective. i personally do not give preferential treatment to african-american males except for my little brother. frankly, i think most males get preferential treatment. i may be generalizing here but i can't think of any other culture except perhaps the amazonian tribes and some northeastern native american tribes where women ran ish.

but los angelista had it right. all the examples she listed, I have seen and heard. fortunately for me, i grew up in a strict African household where we all cleaned and cooked the minute we could push a vacuum, grip a mop, or stir something on the stove. but even i have noticed that my brother who can cook for himself at the age of 11 (and even earlier) and was vacuuming at the age of 8, still gets away with a mess of stuff.

i most certainly hope he doesn't grow up to be a hot mess because no one be pleased. and nigerians don't discriminate. they talk ish about EVERYBODY.

Grata said...

"The Nubians (my tribe, my people, however one will refer to it), were v. accepting of women. Of couse, there were gendered discrimination, but not as much, as say, in the Middle Ages. We only got Islamist after the British colonized us".


Anonymous,

There are many Nubians in Uganda. They have migrated there for so long. Its so easy to tell them apart because of their dress.
Northern Ugandans are quite Similar to Southern Sudanese.

Siditty said...

"I retired my "Strong Black Woman" jersey a long time ago. I got myself into therapy and started confronting all the things that turned me into a "Strong Black Woman". It was only then that I could be comfortable with my emotions and asking for help".

Asking for help I still have issues with. I think of it as a sign of weakness, even though I should know better. Being vunerable is seen as a bad thing as a black woman.

------

So these people following "African" culture are generalizing.

I believe so as many of these people never if ever actually research the culture. They pick and choose what is convenient to their beliefs.


------

The fact that some black men can't own up to their responsibility for how they treat black women is something akin to a cultural narcissism. It's never their fault and their reasons for it are diffuse. A lot of the blame is heaped upon black women and some of it is put upon the white man.

When will it come to self examination and expectations? Why is it black women are told to look at themselves long and hard for the failure of the black community, not black men. Why are we not applauded for being able to become more educated and advance in the work place?


------

I have seen this idea because my brother who is turning 34 this year is going on his 14th straight year of living with my mother. He claims that all the women out there are awful and the world is too racist for him to get a job. I say he just needs to get off his ass.

OK his living with your momma at 34 has nothing to do with racism. You can get a job, maybe not the job you want, but you can get a job when push comes to shove and be self sufficient. Many black men have done this in a time where black people couldn't openly catch a break.

-------

As I got older, it became very clear. I was always pushed to be a respectable girl; in keeping with this, I helped around my older relatives' houses and didn't ask for anything.

I was always told to do this, as it was rude to just sit around. My husband thinks this is strange as I ask his mother can I help with anything when we go over there. He thinks she should handle it on her own. The same at my parents if we have dinner over there I always offer up the task of doing dishes or straightening up. That I feel is expected of me. I don't think boys are taught that. They are allowed to sit around talking, playing dominos, or watch football, while the women do the work LOL

I don't know why this happens. Especially since most of the women in my family who do this, don't take ish from anyone and are respected. Why do we decide to become Donna Reed at family functions, I still can't figure it out.

Being in college only made things worse: my grandmother and the rest of them turned to trying to shame me in to dropping my dream of being a "dirty old dog doctor," which I've wanted to do since I was 6, in favor of being a "real" doctor. There are never any comments like this made to the boys.

That is just crazy. The concept of you wanting to advance yourself is shot down because they don't understand the need for vets? Honestly that is so crazy. They should be happy you are working towards the goal of having a career you have wanted since age 6.

One of the middle boys was upset that the mother of his daughter was going to move away to TX. He decided he was going to try to get custody. His mother, my aunt, flipped out when my mother suggested that he get a job and earn money so he could get his own apartment instead of floating from couch to couch. How could he take on a child without having a stable environment? My aunt countered with the argument that the world was just racist against her son, a black man, and the system was out to get him no matter what. 


That is crazy. What makes it worse is because this woman has chosen to move, she is going to be blamed for keeping a black man from seeing his kids, and the move is seen as a way to control the black man.

In terms of him protecting you from a man who would beat you, honestly it doesn't seem he would offer support at all. He would probably say you deserved it for "talking sass"

The family had two faces: they would smile in her face, but talk shit behind her back, laughing as my uncle took her money, her house, and other things like it was the right thing to do. He was getting his. I started dating a white guy almost two years ago and when they met him this past winter, all hell broke loose. I was single-handedly going to destroy the black community by not making black babies.

I hate that. They justify him taking advantage of her as a way of getting back at the man, whereas your dating a white guy is you trying to be uppity and tear down the black community.

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This notion that Islam is African has always baffled me, for that is as ridiculous as claiming Jesus Christ is an Australian. The Nubians (my tribe, my people, however one will refer to it), were v. accepting of women. Of couse, there were gendered discrimination, but not as much, as say, in the Middle Ages. We only got Islamist after the British colonized us.

I wish more black people here in America would research their African heritage more rather than pretend they know everything, and twist bits and pieces of it to their own agenda

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Welcome back emeritus!!!!

frankly, i think most males get preferential treatment.

This is very true.

Anonymous said...

I can definitely understand. Too much bitchassness when it comes to the men. Too many black mothers are creating these spoil "women" with penises. It's just not right. Women need softness,men need strength, with a touch of softness. That's why we are dysfunctional as hell as a people.