First let me get my militancy out of the way:
I just love Saul Williams, I forgot to add him to my "WTF? You think he's hot?!?!?!?!?!" list.
Anyhoo.......
So my husband broke his rule of not reading my blog, because he saw me typing the blog up, he wasn't so upset with the blog itself, but the comments. He feels he isn't naive at all, just willing to give the benefit of the doubt. He feels that he as a white male has this burden of proving he isn't racist, which he understands why, but maybe that is why he is willing to do such a thing, as he doesn't see himself as racist (I don't see him as racist either), but he like me are both naive in the ways of what it is like to be of the opposite race, we can't experience that, even if we wanted to. He was also willing to say he wasn't denying it wasn't racially motivated, he just wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt. He feels I was angry for no reason though, but that has everything to do with my having a quick temper in general. I think he wants to see the good in people, and he thinks sometimes I see the bad in people, which I do to an extent. I am just not trusting of people, but that is just how I am.
I mentioned this in the comments section of the last post, my husband does know what it is like to be a minority somewhat, as he spent some time being the "only one" in schools that were predominantly black and hispanic, even when we met in college, the majority of people he was around were black. I've never thought him to be uncomfortable around my family, he was able to woo my parents, and he just isn't focused on race. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. Being around a person like me, I enjoy having discussions on race and politics, so often I discuss it here on this blog. My husband did point out I talk about race a lot, and that I seem to obsess over it, as in real life we never discuss race or rarely if ever politics. We usually discuss television and what is going on at work or with family and friends, etc.
All in all, he just wanted to make sure I knew he would stand up for me if he felt I was being discriminated against, but I think my issue would still be would he be able to recognize it, after all our experiences are vastly different.
22 comments:
any experience is good experience if you use it the right way, and it looks like you two are doing just that, learning and growing and questioning from the experience, versus letting it eat away at you and your relationship. that's the way it should be, because many a couple would let something like this break them apart.
dang the hubby read the blog.
and there you hit the nail on the head in your last line: would he be able to look past the "good in people" and acknowledge racism for what it is? you, being from a different racial group, has had time to see the nuances of racism. if your husband (as wonderful as he sounds) is waiting for the blatant ni****! then i'm afraid it'll take a while for him to defend you as well. he sounds so loving though and so willing to be there if he could only see what you see.
ps: saul williams is amazing. my fave poem and line? Fun (She) "and i should delegate more authority to myself."
next time, you should delegate more authority to yourself by seating yourself and helping yourself to some bread from the kitchen. (just trying to make you laugh a bit)
(((hugs))) i know this hasn't been easy for you.
Sounds like you have a good man.
"He was also willing to say he wasn't denying it wasn't racially motivated, he just wanted to give people the benefit of the doubt."
Ok, let me get this right... He wasnt denying that the treatment WAS racially motivated or he still believes it WASNT racially motivated?
"All in all, he just wanted to make sure I knew he would stand up for me if he felt I was being discriminated against,..."
If he believes the treatment WAS racially motivated, then he didnt do the above. See, when I am with someone (bf) and something unpleasant happens to me as a result of the skin I am wearing or my accent, IF I voice my concerns, it's not coz I necessarily want the bf to get up and go jump the person who may have treated me ill. All I want is some understanding.
Go shake your hub a bit more and harder this time around and tell him all he needs to do is try to understand you when you feel marginalized against.
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On a side note, it's the order of the day to get treated "different" here where I live that if I hadnt become blind to that crap, I would have lost my head.
I was the queen of giving people the benefit of the doubt but I swear to God being treated mean coz of my skin colour or accent is on a different level in Cinci/NKY. I now dont give anyone the benefit of nothing... I just turn my head the other way and try real hard to believe that shit aint happening to me till I am able to push it out my head.
I also dont discuss race issues with Mid-Western (Cinci/KY WM) guys coz they always seem to defend/justify the mean actions and it is draining to have discussions with people who will never understand what you are trying to pass across.
All white people are racist, don't bother trying to disprove it.
It is good, that you could discuss things and Saul Williams is amazing!
any experience is good experience if you use it the right way, and it looks like you two are doing just that, learning and growing and questioning from the experience, versus letting it eat away at you and your relationship. that's the way it should be, because many a couple would let something like this break them apart.
We have 9 years invested in each other. I can't do that :)
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would he be able to look past the "good in people" and acknowledge racism for what it is? you, being from a different racial group, has had time to see the nuances of racism. if your husband (as wonderful as he sounds) is waiting for the blatant ni****! then i'm afraid it'll take a while for him to defend you as well. he sounds so loving though and so willing to be there if he could only see what you see.
Yeah Emeritus, I agree, but he is willing to learn my point of view, which I respect.
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Sounds like you have a good man.
I think I do :)
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Ok, let me get this right... He wasnt denying that the treatment WAS racially motivated or he still believes it WASNT racially motivated?
He said he doesn't know if it was racially motivated or not. He can't say that because he wants to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Go shake your hub a bit more and harder this time around and tell him all he needs to do is try to understand you when you feel marginalized against.
LOL will do
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All white people are racist, don't bother trying to disprove it.
Huh?
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It is good, that you could discuss things and Saul Williams is amazing!
Yeah my husband is a "let's sit down and straighten it out" kind of guy :)
C1 sd:
"All white people are racist, don't bother trying to disprove it."
Sid sd:
"Huh?"
Yeah... HUH??????
My husband and I came to an agreement about racial issues a long time ago. He has little or no experience in the area so he bows to my greater knowledge. After more than 40 years living as a black woman I know when someone is getting illish with me.
Giving them the benefit of the doubt is out of the goddamned question. It's MY face he snores in every night. If there's any benefit to be given it comes to me. If you don't have my back, you sure as hell can't have my pussy. Next.
Roslyn,
LMAO!!! That works! You've been missed.
Dead @
My husband and I came to an agreement about racial issues a long time ago. He has little or no experience in the area so he bows to my greater knowledge. After more than 40 years living as a black woman I know when someone is getting illish with me.
Giving them the benefit of the doubt is out of the goddamned question. It's MY face he snores in every night. If there's any benefit to be given it comes to me. If you don't have my back, you sure as hell can't have my pussy. Next.
I gotta take baby steps LOL
I haven't commented here for a while, just been lurking. Siditty, as a fellow Dallasite (okay, Planoite, but don't tell! LOL!) I know about dealing with that ish in Dallas-area restaurants; it's happened to me with white friends and bfs. Your situation illustrates a breaking point with me, and Rozlips...damn, but you said it! Sid, the years you and your hubby have invested puts a different gloss on it...the two of you have a deep commitment and history together, and if he's willing to learn, grow, and do his best to divest himself of some of the privilege that is necessary to "give people the benefit of the doubt", then I applaud him. But I don't have time to be a racial educator or teach someone how to unpack that invisible knapsack...you're an adult and if you want to be in a relationship with this woman of color, you'd better take some responsibility and get real about the world. After all, as you said previously, what you were looking for was not a beat down or a hissy fit from him, but commiseration, validation, and support. But some unacknowleged privilege has to be dropped to get there, or else you will get hung up on giving the benefit of the doubt or analyzing whether or not it was "really" racist. That doesn't address your hurt or anger now does it? Not that your hubby doesn't already know this, but a gentle reminder might not go amiss...it's your feelings that matter at the end of the day, not some stranger to whom you are giving hard-earned cash for a modicum of considerate service.
Winnowill!!!! It is good to see you. Being a Planoite is not as bad as being an Allenite. I went to high school in Allen. Guess where the new CF is located? I live like five miles away from there in the country LOL. We drive to Plano to get some civilization :)
Your situation illustrates a breaking point with me, and Rozlips...damn, but you said it! Sid, the years you and your hubby have invested puts a different gloss on it...the two of you have a deep commitment and history together, and if he's willing to learn, grow, and do his best to divest himself of some of the privilege that is necessary to "give people the benefit of the doubt", then I applaud him. But I don't have time to be a racial educator or teach someone how to unpack that invisible knapsack...you're an adult and if you want to be in a relationship with this woman of color, you'd better take some responsibility and get real about the world.
I agree, for the most part I haven't had to educate him, at least I don't think he is pretty keen on knowing. I hate educating folks on race, I used to do it all the time, but grew tired. I do however have to cut some slack, he has never been black, he doesn't know everything, and with 9 years of togetherness the CF doesn't constitute divorce. His lack of knowledge doesn't mean he can't be sympathetic, he just has to learn.
Siditty,
Oh lord, I know exactly where that CF is. Brand new, part of the fancy-schmancy new shopping centre right off the highway, huh? Sheesh, my bff and I were planning to visit it soon, since I get damned sick and tired of 45-60 + minute waits at the Frisco locale. We've been to the PF Chang's there several times and gotten great service each time. I may check it out, but if I do, I won't wait long to voice my objections if I don't like my service or the hierarchy of seating. I will talk so much noise, I will walk out of there with some free Tiramisu cheesecake (no meal - are you kidding? You think I'm gonna pay them just to let me eat there after dealing out some mess?), and they can think of me what they like! LOL!
The 121 area leaves little to be desired, if there wasn't a Sam Moon and Ikea there!!!!! Yeah you pinpointed the exact CF. We felt like trying it out and I was dying for some oh so healthy avocado rolls. That is virtually the only vegetarian thing on the menu aside from cheesecake. If you want vegan, tough luck LOL
Roz,
I am still cracking up at that comment. I might have to get a bumper sticker made up. How about another new book?
"If there's any benefit to be given it comes to me. If you don't have my back, you sure as hell can't have my pussy. Next."
If my wife had this attitude, I would be finding different pussy in short order.
"All white people are racist, don't bother trying to disprove it".
WTH?
"Giving them the benefit of the doubt is out of the goddamned question. It's MY face he snores in every night. If there's any benefit to be given it comes to me. If you don't have my back, you sure as hell can't have my pussy. Next".
LOL! Roslyn,
People tend to forget that a marriage is an equal partnership so things have to be evened out.
If my wife had this attitude, I would be finding different pussy in short order.
I think the "next" implies you would have to cause you're already kicked to the curb.
I agree with Roslyn. If my partner left me feeling like I was going through difficult situations alone or respected the feelings/opinions of people outside the relationship over mine, he could get lost.
Grata,
People tend to forget that a marriage is an equal partnership so things have to be evened out.
That is equal b/c I would react to my spouse in the same way. It's him and me against the world, not him and me taking up for other people.
Yan, good job on defusing the frey before it starts. No one wants me to have any fun. ;P
"That is equal b/c I would react to my spouse in the same way. It's him and me against the world, not him and me taking up for other people".
Which is exactly what I mean. There has to be a perfect balance, there are no ifs and buts. If one feels left out by the spouse, its trouble for the relationship at the same time if a spouse feels that alot more emotion is expected of them than they can offer, that is trouble too. That balance is the trickiest part.
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