As most of you know, I was raised with my father. My parents were married, and even though my father traveled a lot, when he was home, he worked from home, so I was around him a lot. He taught me to fish, change tires, change my oil. He was the one who mowed the lawn, washed the cars, fixed things around the house. He played video games with me, helped me in basketball and softball practice, taught me how football worked. Even though my mom did most of the cooking and housework, my father helped. He even on occasion tried to do my hair, it wasn't like my mom, but he tried.
My husband was raised pretty much by his mother. He knew his father, but they weren't close, and he could go months at a time without seeing him. His dad never took him fishing, played video games with him, did sports, or anything of that sort. My husband's fondest memories of his father are watching Knight Rider with him. That is about all he remembers of what his dad did with him. Even though my husband is awesome, it is sometimes painfully obvious he didn't have his father, and I get frustrated with him.
My husband doesn't change oil. He doesn't mow the lawn, he has no idea about lawn maintenance. If something is wrong with the house, it is my job to do it or we have to call someone. I don't do my own oil changes or change my own tires because he feels it is man's work, but then he doesn't do it, and we waste money to have others do it. He doesn't cook, and he doesn't help with housework. He doesn't fish, he doesn't play sports, but he does like to watch basketball and football. I sometimes wish he liked to go to the park, go hiking, take up bike riding, or running, and not have all his hobbies involve a computer, cartoons, electronics, or video games. He wants the male role around the house, but he doesn't really do it. This is where my feminist brain turns off and I get upset. I wish sometimes he did do the "man" things, or at least some of the "women" things. He works, I understand that, but he can help around the house too, and when I was working he didn't help either. I did the laundry, cooked the meals, take the animals to the vet. I fix the slow drains and clogs, I am the one who can fix the stopped up toilet if it takes more than a plunger to fix. I plant the trees, I edge the lawn, trim the bushes, and sometime I wish he would bother to learn to do these things. I understand he doesn't know how, but since it isn't any interest to him, he doesn't care to, and it doesn't matter if our yard looks like a damn jungle to him.
This is when I wish I wasn't a damn feminist. The "you can do it all" notion gets on my nerves. Why can't we both do it all? Why is it just me?
13 comments:
Have you tried discussing the inequitable division of labor in your household? The way I interpret feminism for me is that it allows women greater choices and the ability for them to exercise options. You should be allowed to run the household or to do things that make you happy—not subvert your feelings and interests for the sake of matrimonial harmony. Or not. You have the option of doing it all—if that is what makes you feel happy or delegating chores and responsibilities. If neither one wants to compromise, this only build resentment over a period of time. I read a men’s board and the one thing that a lot of those guys lament about is that when the wife serves them divorce papers—they never see it coming—because often they are wrapped up in their own interests and not attending to their wives.
On another note, you have interests that are not compatible with his, therefore it may be necessary to seek out groups that cater to your interests like hiking, traveling, etc. Once he sees that you are doing things without him and having fun—then he may be more inclined to participate in them with you. If that doesn’t work, then you may have to build your own hobbies, since it is apparent that he does his, without you.
Marrige is hard. It certainly isn't for the faint of heart.
I, too, like you, grew up in my black family with my black father present. As a girl, I knew how to do many boy things: fish, fix plumbing, mow a lawn, shovel snow from the walk, hammer a nail, etc. And, no, it was not because my father wanted a boy, for he had two sons, my brothers, whom my father made sure they knew how to do women's work: iron their clothes, wash their clothes by hand and/or machine, hem their trousers, cook a meal, vacuum the carpets, wash the dishes, mop the floor, clean the toilet, wash the bathtub, etc. My father always told my brothers, "Men don't cook; men don't eat," when my brothers would whine about being hungry at a non-mealtime, wherein they expected someone, other than themselves, to fix them a sandwich or a snack. Also, from my father, because he was more domesticated than my mother, I learned how to sew clothes. As well, from him I cannot go a day without being outdoors in some way, every day, regardless of the weather.
But, I don't think your problem is the presence of feminism in your life, but the fact that you don't seem to be exercising it with your hubby. It sounds like your husband was raised to be lazy. Does he do anything around the house, regardless of the gender-role assigned to the activity? I couldn't put up with a man like that, because I am not used to catering to men, and most of the men in my family, on the maternal and paternal side, are not averse to doing things around the house to keep it clean, to maintain it. Maybe, because, although my black male relatives were exposed to the same post-WW2 nuclear family stereotypes on television shows such as: Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, The Brady Bunch, those catered to white middle-class men living in the suburbs on the idiot-box was what it was—fantasy. Also, because, more often than not, most black women, in the black family, had to work, too. So, if a man wanted a clean house, he had to participate in the cleaning of it.
Have you tried discussing the inequitable division of labor in your household?
Dark Moon:
He has fully admitted for the past nine years he doesn't do his share. It just never changes.
You should be allowed to run the household or to do things that make you happy—not subvert your feelings and interests for the sake of matrimonial harmony.
There has to be compromise though, otherwise I would always be angry LOL. You have to bite your tongue on occasion :)
I read a men’s board and the one thing that a lot of those guys lament about is that when the wife serves them divorce papers—they never see it coming—because often they are wrapped up in their own interests and not attending to their wives.
I can definitely see that happening. I think men are oblivious to a lot of things when it comes to their relationships. In my household I manage the money and bills, I take care of the animals, do the gardening, keep up with registration stickers and insurance for our cars, clean the house, laundry, and play Ms. Fix it, whereas my husband works, and I think at times he doesn't understand that I do indeed do all those things, because I don't broadcast it, and since I do these things, he never has to think about it.
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Redcatbiker,
My father was the same. I learned "guy" stuff, my brother learned "girl" stuff. We just had to do things and we had chores and rules.
But, I don't think your problem is the presence of feminism in your life, but the fact that you don't seem to be exercising it with your hubby. It sounds like your husband was raised to be lazy. Does he do anything around the house, regardless of the gender-role assigned to the activity
I don't exercise it with him. My husband is not the guy who is interested in learning anything about feminism, I know when we first started dating, it was apparent that if he had met me earlier in life we wouldn't have dated. I was a PETA and NOW member, and I was very much into learning and reading about animal rights and feminism, he wanted no part of that. I think by the time I had met him I was very moderate.
In terms of how he was raised, he never really had any chores, and even now most of his "housework" includes taking out the garbage, when I don't do it. To be honest though the times he has attempted to clean, it has been ridiculous. In his mind a clean dishes means dishes in the dishwasher. He doesn't understand the concept of wiping down counters, sweeping the floor, or mopping. It never occurs to him to vacuum our house, even with the two dogs and cat. He has never ever scrubbed down a toilet or dusted a windowsill or tables. He doesn't understand it. I don't need my house to be immaculate, but I would like some help in maintaining. I have to clean up behind him. There are times I am just angry when cleaning and he knows to just stay out the way, but he has never once considered helping me until I am almost done with something, and when he does attempt to help, it is again half assed or he acts as if he can't do something. It is very frustrating.
Maybe, because, although my black male relatives were exposed to the same post-WW2 nuclear family stereotypes on television shows such as: Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, The Brady Bunch, those catered to white middle-class men living in the suburbs on the idiot-box was what it was—fantasy. Also, because, more often than not, most black women, in the black family, had to work, too. So, if a man wanted a clean house, he had to participate in the cleaning of it.
I think you hit the nail on the head. His mother was a housewife for a period of time and lived with a very "traditional" male, where he felt he must rule the house and the woman was to take care of him. She stayed home, he worked. Maybe his former stepfather's mindset rubbed off on him, but he hasn't been very vocal about it, if that is the case.
This may be extremely annoying but I wonder how the asking is being done? Angrily?
Not to get all enneagrammy, but is he a 9? If so, the more you ask the least likely he'll do anything.
Miriam:
The questioning usually starts off nice, but by the 20th time, I won't be so nice. He is a kind of 9, but he isn't keen on opening up his feelings :)
damn girl! You need to sit him down and talk to him about that. I mean, you don't want to be harboring resentment around the home.
Tell him clearly how you feel... who knows, maybe he doesn't even know how his behaviour is affecting you.
damn girl! You need to sit him down and talk to him about that. I mean, you don't want to be harboring resentment around the home.
Tell him clearly how you feel... who knows, maybe he doesn't even know how his behaviour is affecting you.
damn girl! You need to sit him down and talk to him about that. I mean, you don't want to be harboring resentment around the home. Tell him clearly how you feel... who knows, maybe he doesn't even know how his behaviour is affecting you.
I think he knows....he just doesn't care :) Or it isn't a priority for him I should say. He is like that with a lot of things.
damn girl, sounds like you can open up your own business in home maintenance or something.
You need to have this setteld before you have kids otherwise you will run yourself into the ground.
I have a cousin who has a similar situation and this can eventually take its toll.
It depends how men were brought up, some men were taught to cook and tidy up, garden etc and it depends if there is a male figure in their life, like grand-fathers and uncles, even if the father is not there, it does help. Feminism was about women having choices of voting, getting rights in the work place and how we regard ourselves in our relationships, it was not for us to sleeping around or have sex like a man. So you have to do what works in your relationship. As with your husband, encourage him to do more and reward him when he does well and he will be inclined to do more.
I guess I should confess.
My husband grew up with a maid all his life. So when we got married, he was very much like that. Did nothing. Didn't know how to do anything.
But eventually I had to set him straight. I'm sure he thought I was the wife from ***** but now he can and does the dishes when I'm overwhelmed. He vacuums the carpet. and does other stuff.
Our first babies were twins, so I had absolutely no time or patience to play games with him.
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