I am a daddy's girl. Always have been, always will be.I live literally 15 minutes from my parents, and it isn't odd for me to talk to them on a daily basis. There are times I talk to my father on the phone for hours at a time. Since they got my new brother and sister, I see them often, as on the weekends I take the kids to do things to give them a bit of a break (I know it seems like I live on the internet, but I do occasionally leave my home, shocking I know).
My husband isn't as close to his family as I am to mine, so it is a bit strange to him. Most the time he sits out the weekend visits, and so I usually go over there by myself. Sometimes I go to lunch with my father. Sometimes I act as his technical support in regards to PowerPoint and ITunes. Sometimes my father offers to do things for us, like change the battery in my car, or let's us borrow his tools, and sometimes he tries to get me things. This is a double edged sword, because even though my father means no harm, it kind of rubs my husband the wrong way.
A few weeks ago, we had a running toilet. I decided to take matters into my own hands and go to the store to buy a new fill valve and flapper. I then decide to fix the toilet myself. My husband offers to help, I tell him no, and then he goes into his office to play on his computer. I go get my pliers to unscrew the old fill valve, and it doesn't budge. I get a few different pliers, none work, so I call my father, as I know he owns some vise grips, and vise grips are needed in a situation like this. Instead of my father allowing me to come over to pick up the vise grips, he just says he will be over in 15 minutes. I don't think anything of it, I figure he wants to get out of the house for a bit and my place is the perfect place to do so. Sometimes being close to 60 and having an 11 and 9 year old arguing in his ear overwhelms him LOL. My husband gets mad when he realizes my father is coming over, and demands me to call him to tell him not come over, not understanding that I called him, not so he could fix the problem, but to borrow a tool. I try to explain this to him, but he gets a bit upset, saying I shouldn't have to call my father to do that, that I should instead ask for his help. I then get mad and ask why he didn't bother to attempt to fix the toilet that had been running for over a week. He claims it is because we didn't get the valve and flapper until now, which makes me angry because it isn't like he couldn't go to the store and get the valve and flapper himself, but instead he waited for me to do it. I so digressed on this.
He comes in, goes straight to the toilet, uses the vise grips to remove the old fill valve and then puts in the new fill valve and flapper in a matter of ten minutes. I thank my father, and he leaves, and gives me the vise grips he bought over because he has another pair. My husband then tells me it upsets him when I call my father to do things, he doesn't want him to think I am not taken care of. Which my father has never ever hinted to me he doesn't feel I am taken care of. I sometimes think my father likes my husband more than me, as every time I come over alone, he asks why my husband doesn't come with me. My father has never uttered a negative word to my about my husband, and I think he likes him a lot, and anyone who could put up with me deserves the utmost respect.
I sometimes think my husband is intimidated by my father because he does give me a lot. I talk about going on vacation somewhere, my father has offered to help pay for a trip (no we didn't take it), he has bought me things I wanted if I mentioned I wanted them, like a digital camera. Today I got an offer for a blackberry I had been eyeing, but too cheap and unwillingly to extend my mobile contract on. To be honest, back in the day, I just used to ask for stuff, because I knew my father would attempt to get it. My mother about the time I turned 16 and started asking for cars, nipped the "Daddy can I?" issues I had. I asked for a new car, and my mother would get one, and I would get her old car (not that I am complaining).
I am still learning how not to rely on my father and myself, and I think that is a big issue for him. He gets mad when I attempt to change the oil in my car, wash my car myself, or change a tire. He gets mad if I attempt to mow the lawn and cut the shrubs. My parents, even though they spoiled me, did teach me how to rely on myself for some things, and then for the other things I always had my father. I don't think my husband ever had that, and I guess he sees it as a bad thing if I mow the lawn or wash the car, because he doesn't, and instead would prefer to pay a service to do those things.
I think my husband loves the idea of me relying on him, which I do a lot. He is currently our main source of income, so I am pretty much dependent upon him financially. He was one who supported my decision to go back to school the first time, and he is very much into the "nuclear" concept of family, whereas I am not so much. He doesn't understand why I talk to many of my cousins on the phone or why I go to so many family get togethers. He thinks I am crazy for thinking my brother(he has autism) will live with us one day, but I think it is perfectly normal. He feels he can take care of himself (which he can for the most part), but in reality, I don't really know because he has never really had to, and he is now 25.
He wants it more just him and me, which it is for the most part, but since the new brother and sister arrived, I have been more active in my family as I love them to death, and I enjoy spending time with them, and I think my parents need a break on occasion. They didn't necessarily plan to have two elementary aged kids at this point in their life, and I know it is hard for them to adjust.
I will admit my father is one to jump in head first without asking questions when it comes to me. My question, how do I stop him, he is my father, and how do I make sure my husband doesn't think my father doesn't think he takes care of me? When do I just take care of my own damn self, since I am a grown ass woman?
10 comments:
"My question, how do I stop him, he is my father, and how do I make sure my husband doesn't think my father doesn't think he takes care of me?"
You dont stop him. He is your dad and can offer any help and buy you anything so long as it's not straining him financially, emotionally and physically. No matter how old you are, you'll forever be his little girl and that will never change. Your husband will understand this when you guys have kids of your own and especially if you have a girl. It's the law of nature. You cant do anything about it. Enjoy it because not everyone enjoys having such a caring and loving dad.
As for your husband being afraid that your dad thinks he doesnt take care of you, he'll have to find a way to get over that hang up. You cant do anything about that. If it were me and my hubby was concerned or stressing that my dad thinks he doesnt take care of me, one time when I have the two of them in one place I'd go, "Dad, hubby thinks you think he doesnt take care of me because you offer help and buy me stuff. Could you please tell him it aint so?" :)
Nice look...loads faster too..lol
Anyhoo,
I was a Daddy's girl but more or less because I knew no better. In the same sense, he's trying to make up for it now. He still wants to be a father and although I'm not used to it, I let him if he's able to. Soila is correct, as long as he's "able" to, then let him spoil his baby girl (cause you know you will always be that, right? You aren't a "grown-ass woman" in his eyes.)lmao.
I feel for your husband, only because he seems very uncomfortable, but he has to make an effort to get past it.
I would definitely urge him to come to the weekend visits and mention that your father asks about him (looks for him) when he doesn't join you.
Plan a day that would include him and your father--where you guys can be together as a "family", but they can have an activity that would require both of them to socialize w/o you.
I just believe he's not used to it, but after a decade, he has to make an effort.
It does seem like you're in the middle. Men want/need to feel "needed". They are instinctively protectors and providers. Even when they do otherwise, they still want to feel they are doing something worthwhile.
If we were to replay the toilet situation again, I would have told hubby to go to your parents house and get the vise grips or call (but sending him would have made them interact and probably caused a nice little chat. You probably wouldn't have seen him for an good while, but hey..lol).
Next time you find yourself in a situation, get hubby involved, that way he won't seem like he's being replaced. (It doesn't matter if you had to do "everything" before hand..lol We can let that go and pick our battles accordingly..lol).
Anyway, when/if he becomes a father to a daughter, he'll wonder why he made such a big deal. :D
No matter how old you are, you'll forever be his little girl and that will never change.
I think that is true, I just need to figure out how to tell my husband to realize that.
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Thanks tigasinamon
Soila is correct, as long as he's "able" to, then let him spoil his baby girl (cause you know you will always be that, right? You aren't a "grown-ass woman" in his eyes.)lmao.
LOL my father romanticizes when I lived at home. He is like I miss you living here with us, and I sometimes wish you were still a little girl. How crazy is that LOL
Plan a day that would include him and your father--where you guys can be together as a "family", but they can have an activity that would require both of them to socialize w/o you.
I just believe he's not used to it, but after a decade, he has to make an effort.
It does seem like you're in the middle. Men want/need to feel "needed". They are instinctively protectors and providers. Even when they do otherwise, they still want to feel they are doing something worthwhile.
My father has offered fishing trips, but my hubby gets a bit turned off by fishing, no one ever took him fishing until my dad took all of us fishing about five years ago. My parents want us to do a cruise with them as well, I am hoping that would be a good time for them to bond. I will say that when my husband does go over there, they bond over sports, they sit in front of the TV talking about sports.
Yes my husband is very much a protector/provider type and so is my father.
If we were to replay the toilet situation again, I would have told hubby to go to your parents house and get the vise grips or call (but sending him would have made them interact and probably caused a nice little chat. You probably wouldn't have seen him for an good while, but hey..lol).
Next time you find yourself in a situation, get hubby involved, that way he won't seem like he's being replaced. (It doesn't matter if you had to do "everything" before hand..lol We can let that go and pick our battles accordingly..lol).
That is what I should have done, and I should have told him yes I need his help when he asked. Soila last night told me to unscrew something in the house and have him fix it LOL. I might have to do that.
I don't think it's your father you need to "fix," but rather your husband. I can understand why he may feel as he does, and you may never be able to get him to fully understand your connection to your family, but if he can just grasp that you two have a different way of seeing the external family and he can be willing to compromise as can you -- that may help a lot.
You're most likely right that he feels like it makes him look bad to your father when you call him over to help with things and I think, like you, soila has a good idea to unscrew something and get your husband to help.
Also, your father might have some insight -- being male. And his being aware of the issue might help too (it also might backfire if your husband feels like you're running to him on that as well, so be careful) :)
OH God,
I guess I'm in the minority once again. Not to say that you're not, but I'm fiercely independent (sometimes) so much so that I don't even like the terms mommmy and daddy. After a certain age, that's a no no. I have friends that are in their late 30s who would still sit on their father's lap. That idea is abhorrent to me. Sorry, but no thank you so I can kind of understand where your husband is coming from.
When I was in a serious relationship, my skin would crawl everytime my ex's mother would make any kind of suggestion in terms of decorating or cooking or anything domestic. Another thing that bothered me a great deal was when she put her son on her cell phone plan. I need to know that the person who i was going to spend my life with could get out of a financial situation (i.e., clean up his credit) without mommy and daddy's help. At the time, it disturbed me to no end. It kind of messed with our future plans.
I guess it all depends on how you're raised. My mother would never give me domestic advice because I would let her know where she put it. Unless I ask for it, please keep your suggestions to yourself.
Also, when we marry, we are creating new families with new traditions. What was once fine with your kids won't necessarily fly with your kid's new husband. But then again, I want to marry an orphan so maybe I shouldn't be listened to.
I don't think it's your father you need to "fix," but rather your husband. I can understand why he may feel as he does, and you may never be able to get him to fully understand your connection to your family, but if he can just grasp that you two have a different way of seeing the external family and he can be willing to compromise as can you -- that may help a lot. You're most likely right that he feels like it makes him look bad to your father when you call him over to help with things and I think, like you, soila has a good idea to unscrew something and get your husband to help. Also, your father might have some insight -- being male. And his being aware of the issue might help too (it also might backfire if your husband feels like you're running to him on that as well, so be careful) :)
Yeah I tread lightly when it comes to running to my parents about the "issues" between me and my husband, other than the usual gripe my mother can relate to about guys being messy LOL
I think next time something needs fixing, I will ask him to help, and I won't get mad if I have to nag him to do it, or make the move to get the stuff needed to fix the issue at hand.
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again. Not to say that you're not, but I'm fiercely independent (sometimes) so much so that I don't even like the terms mommmy and daddy.
I still call my mom "momma" and my dad "daddy". I love it, they do too. I can't imagine calling them by their first names, they might slap the taste out my mouth.
I have friends that are in their late 30s who would still sit on their father's lap. That idea is abhorrent to me.
Guilty as charged. Not like full fledged sitting in the lap, but when I go to hug him, I might get in his lap.
. Another thing that bothered me a great deal was when she put her son on her cell phone plan. I need to know that the person who i was going to spend my life with could get out of a financial situation (i.e., clean up his credit) without mommy and daddy's help.
We pay our own bills. My parents have never had to pay anything for me. They paid my cell phone bill in high school and my first attempt at college, but never had to ask for money for financial situations.
lso, when we marry, we are creating new families with new traditions. What was once fine with your kids won't necessarily fly with your kid's new husband. But then again, I want to marry an orphan so maybe I shouldn't be listened to.
That is true, but you carry on traditions and experiences that come from your family and merge them together.
I was a Daddy's girl for years and even now after my Dad's been dead for 13 years, I still compare him to my husband. Even though they are glaringly different from the physical standpoint, they are very similar in personality--both in a good and bad way. There are times when I wish he were around when I feel like I could use his advice. I see him in my boys and I talk about him to them. Thankfully, I have pictures.
LOL, while I do call my mother by her first name, I specifically meant terms such as mom and dad or mother and father as opposed to mommy and daddy which seem a little juvenile to me.
Maybe it's just my need to assert myself as an adult. I'm pretty petite so if I don't always speak with authority, I'm treated like a child/teenager.
Maybe it's just my need to assert myself as an adult. I'm pretty petite so if I don't always speak with authority, I'm treated like a child/teenager.
No matter if I was seven feet tall, my momma would still treat me like a baby LOL
I don't really have such a close relationship with either one of my parents, but I am much much closer to my dad than I am my mom. Whenever things got bad, I could always call my dad and he would come through for me. He always gave me something on my birthday, regardless and if I didn't have enough money or wanted to take a trip in high school I could ask him and he would always let me go. I live on the other side of the country from him and every time I talk to him on the phone he always wants to give me money. Every Christmas he's pretty much sent 200 dollars just for me. Most of the time it goes to rent, but I still appreciate it. It's weird because I don't call him dad to his face, I call him by his first name, but I do love him.
My mom on the other hand lol..
But I think your husband just needs to spend more time with your dad. Maybe he feels a little resentment because he doesn't have such a good relationship with his dad? Sometimes I feel that way with my boyfriend because even though he claims to not like his parents, he's much closer to his dad (technically he's not even his biological dad, but he's pretty much raised him as his own) than I am with mine. Sometimes I feel a little left out because I don't have such a good relationship with my parents but there's nothing much I can do to change that because they're so far away now, so I try to get along with his. But it's hard because I'm not used to being so close to parents. Maybe that's the same issue your husband is having. That and he just wants to take care of you. :] Once he has his own daughter someday, I think he'll understand better.
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