So on the internet you are anonymous to an extent, which is great. There are sites I go to that are not about interracial relationships, or race at all. I go to many natural hair sites, which I guess deal with race, but not directly. I have met some interesting people over discussing hair, but it makes me at times nervous. I listen and read a lot of people who are into black empowerment and awareness. For the most part it isn't what I would consider hate speech. Topics include how to rebuild business in the black community, how to embrace and be comfortable with natural hair (I could write a whole book on how long it took me to accept my own hair), and relationships.
Today I listened to a discussion on blog radio. It was about relationships between black men and women. They touched on some great points, it wasn't a black man/woman bash fest, but rather actual conversation that could be applied to any person seeking a relationship, regardless of race. Needless to say I was chatting in the chat room about reasons relationships might not work out, and I talked about my husband, since the topic was about "black" relationships, I mentioned my husband's race. It threw folks off. I guess the rationale is I was sitting her listening to the show,listening on black relationships and even speaking on them, but here I was married to a white man. Obviously, I am not an expert on black relationships, as I have never had a black relationship outside of one or two dates.
This situation is always awkward for me. It seems as if my blackness is tested, or that people make assumptions about me. I think many times if you are in an interracial relationship, people assume you don't like being black, or you hate black men, or that you don't associate with anything black.
I don't think this is the case. I don't hate black men, I tend to have an interest in "black issues", and I finally learned after many years to like being black over a decade ago.
So I wonder at times do I have guilt for "marrying white"? Did I let down the African American community by "sleeping with the enemy"?
I don't regret marrying my husband. Never have, never will. I am not ashamed of my husband, but sometimes I feel my marriage is a reflection of my blackness, and that my blackness has failed the litmus test.
17 comments:
you should never apologize for your happiness
girl please, you have nothing to feel guilty about..
being a product of an interracial relationship, my mother never expressed any guilt in regards to marrying my father...they both told us that no matter the color of the person you fall in love with, you should never sacrifice happiness!
You raise an interesting point. I have good African American female friends but I have never told them about my openness to dating white men. I nod when they express reservations on dating white but Idon't face up. If I started dating one, I don't know how I would let them know and how they would take it. I have recently been flirting with a biracial classmate and I just realized how much easier life would be if I seriously dated him.
Siditty,
Why didn't you like being black?
Huh?
Ask Micheal Jackson, no matter how hard one tries, they're still Black. Many problems remain regardless of your social standing, many become irrelivant.
I think that's why I go by UBJ on the internet. (I'm actually mixed Dad - Louisiana Creole Mom - Mexican/Native American and I'm not ugly at all).
The only problem is accepting others' definition of what "Black" is.
Oh, and on inter-racial dating.
I date whomever I feel is attractive. One lady tried to clown me over a white girl. I said "Am I F****** you?". "Hell No" she said. "Then F*** You" I replied. Her boyfriend fell-out laughing. Telling her "That's what you get".
You shouldn't feel guilty for marrying someone you love. And anyone who questions your blackness because you married a white man is a fool.
I don't really think about it. I can be proud of being Black, but still be married to a White man and not think that my Blackness is somehow compromised. I think that we can be Black on our own terms. SOme would argue that a Black person married to a White person may not be as committed to uplifting the Black Community as effectively as they would be if they were married to another Black person. These people often pose the question If there were a race war, whose side would you be on, would you leave your husband and come to the Black side or stay with him?" I think that it's a ridiculous argument. Never apologize for who you are and who you chose to be with. If other people have a hang up about it, then that's there problem. There are different ways to support "The Cause" and you don't have to be married to a Black man to be effective as a socially conscious Black woman.
Why didn't you like being black?
Growing up as one of few blacks, I was teased for having big lips, nappy hair, and a big nose. I was told in school the only way to be truly beautiful is to have blonde hair, light skin, and blue eyes. IR dating in middle school was not an option for me. IR dating was against God and unnatural, so no white boy crushes, I had them, but the favor wasn't returned. Freshman year I got a guy who ended up having a crush on me, but he got a ton of flack for it. I pretty much until my junior year of high school was considered a genderless being. I was just the black one. I remember having a white guy ask me out junior year, and it wreaked havoc on people, I even remember a girl gasping out loud when she saw us holding hands. Don't let me get started about prom, that was the most wildest thing to them I actually had a date, and it was a guy in our school, and he was considered "popular".
I saw being black up until age 18 as being the "oddball", and I wanted to assimilate and I felt my "blackness" was a hinderance to that.
you should never apologize for your happiness
It just seems hard for some people to understand that I can be concerned about "black issues" and still have a relationship with my husband.
they both told us that no matter the color of the person you fall in love with, you should never sacrifice happiness!
That's pretty much what I did. I like my husband, he is kind of cool, so I will keep him LOL
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I have recently been flirting with a biracial classmate and I just realized how much easier life would be if I seriously dated him.
I don't think life would be necessarily be easier, but you will get a little flack. My black girlfriends who don't date IR for the most part don't give me flack for my husband, every once in a while, but even then it is teasing and they have the common sense not to talk too crazy to me.
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Ask Micheal Jackson, no matter how hard one tries, they're still Black. Many problems remain regardless of your social standing, many become irrelivant
Very true, my skin did not magically lighten when I married my husband. I pretty much stayed black LOL
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Thanks Kat
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These people often pose the question If there were a race war, whose side would you be on, would you leave your husband and come to the Black side or stay with him?"
I hate that question. I am thinking if there was a race war in America I would go ahead and flee to Canada until that mess was sorted out LOL
Siddity,
Thanks for being so open about how you felt about being black when you were a child. Although I don't remember hating being a Latina women of color when I was growing up, I , too, can totally relate to feeling alone, genderless, and rejected by the white guys to whom I was attracted (and who were attracted to me). For so long, I (and many other BW) have been cheated out of potential IRR's due to the hateful, racist, mindset that kept WM (and other non-BM) from dating(and ultimately marrying) BW. I firmly believe that the 70% singleness rate among BW would be lower if strong racism/hatred against us didn't exist in American culture. Today I think it's critical that BW take charge of our image in the media and hammer home the fact that BW are beautiful, desirable, lovable, WOMEN deserving of being dated/married just like ANY OTHER WOMEN.
I've never understood the litmus test for blackness. It has become more and more apparant to me that blackness is more of a state of mind than anything else. Everyone has a different opinion about what that state of mind is making it impossible to come up with a standard test of ones blackness. Thus, no one has the right to take away your "black card" just because you are married to a white man. If you feel that you can date a person outside your race and still be black enough (which really should be a no brainer), then you are black enough!
I think it is ridiculous how some people take interracial dating to the extreme. Im a proud Nigerian woman... proud of my culture and upbringing, proud of my values. Just because I date white men does not mean I 'want to be white'. I have NEVER wished to be anything other than what I am. I love and accept myself the way I was made. It's funny how some people argue about the whole 'self-hatred' theory, when you date interracially, claiming it is self hatred when you date other races. No offense, but this 'theory' is very common amongst black Americans as Ive never heard an African person say this to me. In my opinion, black people can only be judged as 'trying to be white', if they alter their facial structures and appearance of skin colour to imitate that of the white race. I automatically think of Michael Jackson.... he is a CLASSIC case of someone who has self hatred and wants to be white. My appearance has not changed since I started dating white men and my values are intact the last time I checked. Dating white men really cannot change who I am as far as racial characteristics go.... I go in to my interracial relationships as a black woman and when/if I do come out of it, I'm still a black woman :-)
Thanks for the great post. I feel the same way. My husband is white, but I'm very concerned about black issues. I always have been. I grew up in a black community and I never thought I'd marry a white man, but here I am. I often feel like I have to explain my self to other black people because of who I'm with.
I recently "crashed" a mommy blog, of someone I don't know, who had posted of thier being appalled that black people were only voting for Obama because he is black. This was a white lady who thinks Obama is a marxist, and the blog was complete with a nice Howard Stern video clip... how does this relate to your alleged diminished blackness?
In my stirring the hornets nest this blogger commented that the Obama's can't relate to black people because they went to Ivy league schools. Excuse me?
Your education level has as much affect on your blackness as does your husband.
Being judged for marrying a white guy is part of your black experiance... white people don't get grief for marrying white people.
Growing up as the only black person did not lessen your blackness... if anything I'm sure it emphasized it.
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Oddly enough, no one thinks I'm less white for marrying a black girl. That is unless you ascribe to the pop-culture notion that all things black are cool and white is nerdy.
Black men assume I must have some level of coolness to have "pulled off" catching her.
brohammas- Education or economic level doesn't determine one's Blackness. "Ghetto-ness", maybe. The real problem is limiting Black to being ghetto.
Today I think it's critical that BW take charge of our image in the media and hammer home the fact that BW are beautiful, desirable, lovable, WOMEN deserving of being dated/married just like ANY OTHER WOMEN
Definitely true.
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I've never understood the litmus test for blackness. It has become more and more apparant to me that blackness is more of a state of mind than anything else
I so agree, and can I tell you, I was dying laughing at your analysis of Lamont Sanford at your blog. That was classic!!!!
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I often feel like I have to explain my self to other black people because of who I'm with.
That is exactly how I feel, like I have to say, my husband is "not like the others", he is a magical white man LOL
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Obama's can't relate to black people because they went to Ivy league schools. Excuse me?
I guess all white people attend Yale and Harvard? How do they relate to Bush or Cheney?
Being judged for marrying a white guy is part of your black experiance... white people don't get grief for marrying white people. Growing up as the only black person did not lessen your blackness... if anything I'm sure it emphasized it.
Definitely, I was painfully aware of race from the minute I entered school, until I graduated. I guess it is true that white people don't get as much grief, but I think it depends upon the family. My uncle's wife was disowned by her family for marrying him. She hasn't seen them in almost 18 years.
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brohammas- Education or economic level doesn't determine one's Blackness. "Ghetto-ness", maybe. The real problem is limiting Black to being ghetto.
Definitely true, it amazes me how many white people freak out when they realize I have never lived in the ghetto or been to jail. They believe that 50 cent displays the true black experience. Of course too, it baffles me when black people try to make someone seem less black because they don't live in the heart of the 'hood.
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