OK Every once in a while I get worked up knowing that as a black woman I am considered of less value in regards to the beauty standards, as they white and asian women have the "ideal" beauty in our society. It is hard to be a black woman in America, because everyday you are told overtly or not so overtly you are not the ideal.
I at one time tried to keep up, but realized early on I couldn't. Knowing the 300 lb white lady with three kids has a better chance of getting a decent looking date than I did back in my single days was disheartening. I succumbed to the stupid stuff, I read Cosmo, Marie Claire, and Allure. I read Essence and all the dumb articles on how to get a man.
Then I discovered feminism and decided I was going to reject those magazines, and focus on reading that catered to interests outside of what name brands I should be wearing, and the quizzes that determine whether or not you are easy, a door mat, or if your man shows signs of cheating. It saved me. It saved me from buying beauty products I can't live without. The thought of doing liposuction and getting a breast lift. The thought of giving birth would be an automatic end to my attractiveness, and that if I do have kids, it would never be ok to get a stretch mark. It saved me from my own self created diets of 800 calories a day and 2 hours of working out so I could get to the size 2 that never happened, or the need to throw up or pop a laxative after a big meal (this was the norm at my high school, I swear every girl popped dexatrim and owned a bottle of Ipecac).
Those magazines, including Essence had women I could never ever look like, as I don't have access to make up artists, hair stylists, and a computer to keep me airbrushed. I was never going to the model ideal of 5'9, I was never going to be a size zero. My hands were manly and my feet are too big and wide. My shoulders are too broad. I wasn't white or asian enough, or light enough, my hair isn't straight or long enough, and the few articles on what men liked never included why they would like a short, dark skinned girl, with curly hair, who wore bigger than a size 2 and had thighs and a booty.
It occurred to me at age 20, that most people, at least in Texas don't look like folks in magazines, and in comparison to the rest of the population, I look somewhat ok. I exercise, I've gone vegan, I focus on what will make me healthy, I don't obsess over brands of clothing worn, I don't even know what is in style anymore. I love converse better than high heels to my husband's dismay, and I wear make up because I like the colors, not because the colors are hot and in season for the fall. I also had to learn that even though I am not the ideal, guys could still think me to be attractive, and yes even though I am married now, that is important, that I could pull a guy if I wanted to is a boost of confidence. The fact I can keep a guy for nine years is a miracle, and that on occasion he still thinks I am pretty, even in granny panties, a greasy coconut oil and shea butter face, a ratty old t-shirt, and a do-rag on my head. The fact that the guys I was always attracted to are supposed to think I am repulsive based upon the fact I am not size 2 nor white or asian, it is a miracle I can still pull a few who like to step outside the box, and they aren't deuces, they aren't old men, jobless and looking for a sugar mamma, or desperate. It is nice to know what that the features I possess that I have been told are ugly; my dark skin, my nose, my lips, my booty, my thighs, and my hair, are the same exact things that are the things these guys, including my husband deemed attractive.
21 comments:
Hey Sid,
I think I'm pretty attractive but I have yet to find a date and it's pretty sad. I am a size 2 with long hair and I think I have a decent face. I do have dark skin; however that is not something I constantly think about unless someone draws attention to it. Because my sister is pretty light, my family never explicitly made comments about our complexions so it's always a shocker when other black people do. Anyway, I've developed a mantra to say to myself every now and again to pick up my self esteem. Not that I am into street thugs or hoods or whatever but judging from the latest Yung Berg comment, they wouldn't want me. So then who is left? Sometimes I feel that the black american community is so messed up that only a non black person would appreciate my beauty.
BTW, what happened to the weave vs. natural vs. processed topic?
Im living and going through what you're talking about.
Its hard, but I'll get past it, Im sure... eventually
I've got longer hair as well, but I wear my hair natural, so no one realizes how long it is, it is shoulder length au natural and about 2-3 inches past my bra strap or a couple of inches above my waist. It is a pain to straighten though, 3 hours, so I don't bother too much.
In terms of the hair topic, I have a hair blog, and I just recently talked about hair types.
The whole thing about dating and being a black women is it is hard. You aren't the requested ideal. Black men are like asian women, as they are more prone to date outside rather than inside the race. The marriage rates of black men and black women reflect this. All races of men, like women are influenced by the media on what is beautiful and what isn't. To me when a size 2 person is considered someone with meat on their bones, times are tough in the dating world. I am shaped way closer to Toccara than Giselle. Jennifer hudson for the most part isnt what I consider fat, at least in the pic in the last post (it depends on when you are talking about as she has lost a lot of weight), but to the media she is fat, when more than likely she looks about average or a little bit above average. She looks like she is a 12 or 14, not Mo'Nique supersize. Most women can't compete with the media ideals, black women especially can't as we tend to be the complete opposite of what is coveted as beautiful.
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Oli,
You do get past it, and you will. You will find that even though media has an ideal of beauty, there are guys out there that don't really care, they might ooohh and aaaahhhh at the girls in the magazines and on TV, but they realize that those women are equipped with people to airbrush them to perfection, and same guys actually like girls who look real.
Youv'e got a good man and you have been married for nine years, you way ahead of the curve :)
People always say love your hair and yourself...but honestly, try living with my hair ! By your interpretation of hair i am a 4A and wish i could be a 3B or even atleast a 4B . I have never seen a woman with long 4A hair(tightly coiled). And i really want to have long hair. But i know i have dark skin and i'm 100% african so..i gotta live with it...braid my hair and pray it grows big and eventually long.
The thing is...when u get your own brothers saying your natural hair looks "wierd" it hurts and i know thats media-brainwashing but it hurts...
"Black men are like asian women, as they are more prone to date outside rather than inside the race. The marriage rates of black men and black women reflect this."
This isn't necessarily true. If you look at the Census, both genders of black people aren't getting married to much of anybody -- not non-blacks, and not each other. Black men's rates are slightly higher (and by slightly, I mean less than 10%) -- which would be explained by marrying out -- but they're nowhere near as disparate as Asian female and Asian male rates. For all of the ado about IR dating in the black community, black people actually have lower rates of outmarriage than other races, because let's face it, man or woman, non-black parents are none too excited about the prospect, and negative stereotypes impact the desirability of blacks as mates in general.
The purpose of the media is to sell products. TV and magazines are paid for with advertising. They can't make money if you are happy with yourself. Another thing about the media is that they exaggerate and use lots of scare tactics. This was the main reason I stopped subscribing to Essence, because it made me feel bad about the way I look and my chance at a happy relationship.
The media exaggerates the number of men who do not find black women attractive. They never show famous wm with their black wives yet they trip over themselves to interview Heidi Klum and photograph her with Seal. I had to start reading interacial blogs to see Robert Deniro with a black woman even though we've all heard the rumors, and Deniro is a super star!
I bought into it for while. Years ago I tried to hook up a black male friend of mine with a white girl who preferred black guys. He had never stated or shown a racial preference but I just assumed that all black men were willing to date or sleep with white women. I was completely wrong about him and have sense learned that he does not find white women attractive and tends to date black women with natural hair.
One of my white friends is closer to the "Ideal" you are talking about. She's thin, green eyes and blond, (with a little help from highlights). She complained for years that she attracted only the "elderly, mentally unstable and crazies" of the single world. By luck she found a super guy over the internet and they've been steady for awhile. But even she kissed her share of frogs. Maybe the low-end guys are the most vocal and brave with women because they have little to lose. Seeing her treated crummy by boyfriends gave me something to think about. I'm not sure the grass gets much greener on the other side.
I'm not sure what you mean. You mean WHILE growing up, Asian women were a beauty ideal? I know you grew up in Texas being black and maybe being a different economic class than me 'n all, but growing up, that for SURE was not the case. White women were the ideal, Some 'less ethnic'-lookin latinas. That's it. So not sure where you got that from. Asian women STILL are not nearly on the level of white w, actually. Not sure why you keep bringing that up like white women have ever had even remotely close 'ranking' to any WOC. It's always been well-defined. Asian w are moving up tho
"I have never seen a woman with long 4A hair(tightly coiled). And i really want to have long hair."
Don't worry. It is possible. I too grew up in an environment where "long" meant shoulder length, where myths abounded, where antiquated, counter-productive practices like "greasing the scalp" were common place, and the fear of water was near-pathological. Black hair can and does grow -- why else would touch-ups be "necessary"? However, to maintain the health of the oldest part of each follicle -- the end -- and retain length, you may have to (I know I did) rethink everything you thought you knew about black hair, and discover that the conventional wisdom often isn't that wise. At sites like Nappturality, Long Hair Care Forum, Black Hair Media, and Naturally Curly, there are black women with the kinkiest hair textures, relaxed and natural, growing their hair to lengths that many folks still believe are only possible for non-black women, like waist and tailbone length. Before I went natural, with the assistance of LHCF, my relaxed hair was at its healthiest, and now that I've gone natural, I fully expect to fulfill my personal goal of having waist-length hair. Like you, I also grew up with a wavy-textured ideal, and still admire the look of "Old Hollywood" hair. As a relaxed girl, I fully acknowledged the irony in straightening my hair within an inch of its life, only to damage it further by using heat to curl it, back when I was ignorant about hair care. Now that I'm natural, I'm discovering that my allegedly "bad" hair can do some pretty cool things on its own, including mimic other textures without heat or chemicals.
On the Asian thing, I agree with anon. Asian women aren't quite the ideal yet, especially in the South and Midwest. The less liberal the area, generally, the more an explicitly white beauty ideal prevails. Look in fashion magazines and men's pinup mags -- Asian women are quite rare. Same for the big and small screen. What Asian women have is a pretty loyal and strong grassroots following that's relatively light on media endorsement -- one of the reasons that I just don't buy that WM are just doing whatever the media tells them regarding beauty standards in general, and WOC in particular.... on AFs, the media is slowly following WMs lead, not vice versa.
"The media exaggerates the number of men who do not find black women attractive. They never show famous wm with their black wives yet they trip over themselves to interview Heidi Klum and photograph her with Seal."
I think the Seal and Klum thing happened because they're both well known people, and she's an internationally celebrated beauty. They're the equivalent of Iman and Bowie -- who pretty much everybody knows about as well, moreso than DeNiro and his litany of not-so-famous female friends, or Bill Maher and his, ah... more infamous than famous dates. I don't think there's a conspiracy afoot, but hey, I could be wrong.
On the Asian thing, I agree with anon. Asian women aren't quite the ideal yet, especially in the South and Midwest. The less liberal the area, generally, the more an explicitly white beauty ideal prevails. Look in fashion magazines and men's pinup mags -- Asian women are quite rare. Same for the big and small screen. What Asian women have is a pretty loyal and strong grassroots following that's relatively light on media endorsement -- one of the reasons that I just don't buy that WM are just doing whatever the media tells them regarding beauty standards in general, and WOC in particular.... on AFs, the media is slowly following WMs lead, not vice versa.
I don't think it should be a surprise that the white community would hold up white beauty standards, it makes sense. Asian men certainely seem to prefer Asian women, at least from what I've seen.
I was considered "too skinny" for a Black girl in HS, so Black guys were not interested in me. But when I started working out and my butt/legs became more defined, suddenly I was deemed as having more of a "Black Woman's Shape." Even at a size 7/8 I'd be considered big by White fashion industry standards, but I'm in proportion. I don't know why the mainstream want women to be built like skinny pre-adolescent teenage boys. Women should look like women and that is to have curves. It's hard to love how you look in this society.
"I don't know why the mainstream want women to be built like skinny pre-adolescent teenage boys. Women should look like women and that is to have curves."
But what does that say about women who don't have curves -- that they aren't "real", and/or that the men who desire them are somehow strange or perverted for doing so? Because let's face it, flat-chested women don't get big-upped in our society much, either.
Youv'e got a good man and you have been married for nine years, you way ahead of the curve :)
Yeah I lucked out :)
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. I have never seen a woman with long 4A hair(tightly coiled). And i really want to have long hair.
4a women can have long hair. Many women do twists, twist outs, and braid outs to stretch their hair to show their length. The concern should be healthy hair though. Long hair isn't what it is all cracked up to be. Detangling can be downright evil!!!!
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when u get your own brothers saying your natural hair looks "wierd" it hurts and i know thats media-brainwashing but it hurts.
I understand, but think that there will be some people who absolutely love your hair natural.
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e. If you look at the Census, both genders of black people aren't getting married to much of anybody -- not non-blacks, and not each other
Very true but IR rates between BM and WW have doubled, whereas there has been growth in WM and BW has grown, it hasn't doubled.
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This was the main reason I stopped subscribing to Essence, because it made me feel bad about the way I look and my chance at a happy relationship.
I had a subscription to Essence when the "Down Low" book came out. The articles in there had me looking at my husband and my father funny, looking for signs of DL behavior.
They never show famous wm with their black wives yet they trip over themselves to interview Heidi Klum and photograph her with Seal
Yeah if you were to look at Hollywood, no white man is married to a black woman, and wouldn't dare do so. They were so excited to show Seal holding Heidi's baby that wasn't even his, and they had him and that baby plastered everywhere, but when they actually had kids together, those babies I guess weren't as interesting or shocking as Seal playing a baby daddy to Heidi's 1st child.
I bought into it for while. Years ago I tried to hook up a black male friend of mine with a white girl who preferred black guys. He had never stated or shown a racial preference but I just assumed that all black men were willing to date or sleep with white women. I was completely wrong about him and have sense learned that he does not find white women attractive and tends to date black women with natural hair.
Definitely true, many black men are still wanting black women, but if you were to look at King, Black Men, and XXL, they all want white women with "black women" bodies, i.e. Coco.
Maybe the low-end guys are the most vocal and brave with women because they have little to lose.
Very true, regardless or not if you are the ideal, the dating world can be brutal, but the beauty standards as they stand now tend to tell black women that they are low on the totem pole, while everyone else seems to have at least a fighting chance. White women are expected to get married, black women are expected to stay single.
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You mean WHILE growing up, Asian women were a beauty ideal? I know you grew up in Texas being black and maybe being a different economic class than me 'n all, but growing up, that for SURE was not the case. White women were the ideal, Some 'less ethnic'-lookin latinas. That's it. So not sure where you got that from.
I went to a majority white school. It was a controversy for me to date a white guy, but yet no one batted an eye to guys dating the asian girls or hispanics. It was expected they dated and wanted white guys.It was ok if they were considered attractive, it wasn't ok for me as a black girl. In matter of fact a hispanic girl who at the time was dating a white guy gasped in horror at the thought of my high school "boyfriend" giving me a hug at my locker, and that we actually held hands in the hallway.
Also note, one of the most popular blog entries on stuff white people like is "Asian Girls" and the amount of white men co-signing is staggering. Most of them saying all white guys at one time or another wanted an asian girl, and this entry is almost at 6,000 comments.
A sample of the white man/asian woman love:
I always loved Asian girls. They are extremely sexy, smooth skin! Having sex with non-asian females is like having sex with sandpaper! STUBLE!!!!!!! I dated several girls non asians and asians. Hands down, sex and quality of time spent was FAR more pleasurable with any Asian female compared to a non-Asian. I am happily married to an Asian woman and we have a daughter of 3 months and she is a hell of a lot more alert and cuter than any other kind of baby I’ve ever seen. Having children with Asian women produce extremely cute/beautiful, and bright kids!! I couldn’t be happier, and I let my wife know in so many ways how much i appreciate her and value her commitment to me and my family.
Treat an Asian girl with the respect that she deserves, and you will have a loyal best friend, lover, and wife for the rest of your days.
I am a London man of Irish decent and have to say that Far East and South East Asian ladies are hot. If you go to Asia you will start to notice that most of the ladies you see are hotties.
A change from when in Europe, North America and most other places in the World where there are some sexy women but generally a small percentage.
I have a Asian girlfriend and we are getting married soon. Would not want a wife from no where else. Most people think that Asian girls are submissive, I have to say this is generally true. My girlfriend is confident and we do argue sometimes but she will never shout or scream like what I have noticed from brat women raised in the west.
Asian women celebrate their femininity and are usually happy, I would say more happy than western women. I go for Asian women because they are so feminine, nice to be with, great smiles, know how to treat a man and are just soooooooooo sexy. (look so fine naked)
This is a tip to white guys reading this, forget about the white race. Europe is full of ugly foriegn people now and that is the homeland of white people. So just enjoy your life and go out their and pick yourself the best woman and if you have any sense you will get yourself a nice little Asian girl.
What is even scarier is the Asian women cosigning.
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I'm discovering that my allegedly "bad" hair can do some pretty cool things on its own, including mimic other textures without heat or chemicals.
I will admit I have limited hairstyles with my natural hair. The wash and go, bun, pony tail, and braidout. I never get experimental with the hair. I contemplated twist outs, but I got lazy.
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But what does that say about women who don't have curves -- that they aren't "real", and/or that the men who desire them are somehow strange or perverted for doing so? Because let's face it, flat-chested women don't get big-upped in our society much, either.
I see way more flat chested skinny women on runways than I do women who are a size 10 with huge boobs. Those are the women in Vogue and Cosmo. Buffie the Body doesn't get props except in black men's magazines, FHM and Maxim ain't touching her with a ten foot pole. Count the number of women on the FHM top 100 list and see if they have "curves" or if they are just thin with big boobs, or no boobs at all. Count how black women who make the list who are dark skinned, with natural hair?
"I see way more flat chested skinny women on runways than I do women who are a size 10 with huge boobs."
And I've seen more dark-skinned, natural-haired unambiguously-featured black women in 10 years of runways than I have in 10 years of rap videos. Does that mean that the look has gained mainstream acceptance? Of course not. You must concede that the vast majority of the women on this list (whose bewbs are visible in these pictures) have pretty substantial busts, especially in light of their small body types. Larger breasts are a pretty static tenet of the white beauty standard, and fashion models without them just don't resonate with large audiences of straight white males.
"Count how black women who make the list who are dark skinned, with natural hair?"
But there's a negligible amount of AFs on the list as well, despite your belief that they actually share the "ideal woman" crown. It's not quite a matter of fame either -- they seem to dig for every obscure young white starlet that strikes their fancy.
And I've seen more dark-skinned, natural-haired unambiguously-featured black women in 10 years of runways than I have in 10 years of rap videos. Does that mean that the look has gained mainstream acceptance? Of course not.
It hasn't but the concept of a white supermodel being most desired has gained acceptance? Keeping the white ideal, but with a different body type. It is still overwhelmingly underweight, and the majority of those with big boobs have been artificially enhanced. Either or it is still unattainable.
The fact I can keep a guy for nine years is a miracle
says who. but, I do have to say that your hubby sounds like a good guy when you write about him.
wow, nine years... you married so young ! I'm glad it's worked out so well. :)
says who. but, I do have to say that your hubby sounds like a good guy when you write about him. wow, nine years... you married so young ! I'm glad it's worked out so well. :)
I say my husband is a saint for putting up with me and my weirdness :)
Actually I didn't marry young, I shacked up young, to my parents dismay. I was 23 when I moved in with my hubby after a few months of dating (that could have been so disastrous), I got married 4 years later. Next month we will celebrate 5 years of marriage.
I always say, I can never get divorced, I don't know how to date like an adult.
black people can have freckles. My uncle has freckles and so do all of his kids, except one. I don't know why, he is the only one of all the brothers and sisters like that.
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