As I have noted on this blog many times, I haven't had much exposure to black guys in the dating scene. I have never been intimate with a black guy (or any other guy aside from my husband, as I was a virgin before marriage ::wink wink::). I have been asked this question a few times via email, so I will answer it here.
To be truthful, I probably didn't give the brothers a fair chance. I have been on a total two dates with two different black men in my life. I have flirted with a few others, but nothing worked out. I didn't kiss either guy. One guy was really nice, one guy was a complete jerk.
The reason I didn't continue dating the nice guy was because I had started to date the husband, and broke things off to get "serious". The nice guy was how I like my guys, nice and nerdy. He was an engineer, really cute, very funny, and nice. We would talk on the phone a lot, and he was just a generally great guy. No he was not all buff, he was kind of skinny and short, but I was open, as his personality was really great. I am sure whoever he dated or married got lucky.
The next guy, not such a positive experience. He was steadily bragging about his $30K a year job and "new"(new to him) car, and how he was going places and had his pick of women. On our date he was steady looking at women's asses as they passed our table at the restaurant (Bennigan's, you know a fancy place), and then talking about how he could never get with a white women, but yet he was gawking at them the whole time. He also wasn't even cute (even though the personality could have made him ugly to me), and he was kind of short too. I am willing to lower my height requirement for the right guy, but this guy wasn't it. At the end of the date he asked me to call him when I got home, I did, and was promptly cursed out because I called too late (30 minutes later).
In terms of guys I "talked to" or flirted with I once met this guy at my school library, we talked, exchanged numbers, and would chit chat on the phone. Turned out he wasn't a college student, he hung out in the library to pick up women. He was the closest to the thug I would ever get to, and he was a "playa", as you could never get a truthful answer out of him, and he loved to quote Tupac on a regular basis. Turns out he had a live in girlfriend, after a week of talking, that ended things.
So in short, yes I gave the brothers love at one time or another, things just didn't work out with the guys I ended up with. I think even though I gave the brothers a chance, my upbringing kind of had me subconsciously avoiding black guys, because culturally I wasn't able to connect with anyone black, male or female for a very long time. So that might have hindered my dating and relationships with black guys. I will say though the main reason I never dated black guys was because they never really approached me. White guys approached me way more than black guys,and the manner I did get approached by the black guys who did approach me was a bit of a turn off, and that was probably because these guys were meeting me at a dance club vs. the library. It was never "Do you want to dance?" or "Can I buy you a drink?", it was more like "You gotta nice ass." or "You need to grind on me", as sweet as those opening lines are, pretend you might be interested in more than my ass upon initial approach. My husband readily admits the drawing attraction to me was my ass, but he never mentioned my ass until later in our relationship.
24 comments:
The next guy, not such a positive experience. He was steadily bragging about his $30K a year job
Yeah, 30K millionares, some of my least favorite people.
"I will say though the main reason I never dated black guys was because they never really approached me. White guys approached me way more than black guys,and the manner I did get approached by the black guys who did approach me was a bit of a turn off..."
The pretty much sums it up for me. I had more Asian, Hispanic, and White men approaching me respectfully. Black men wouldn't give me the time of day most of the time and when they did approach me it was in a way that I didn't like. Also when I open my mouth they could tell that I was raised in the suburbs by parents who were not going to have me speaking Black english. I never learned how. I was "too white" for their taste too.
As for dating, my criteria for meeting a man was that he be intelligent, college educated, a great potential father/husband, and could provide for me and my children the same way my father has provided for my mother, siblings, and I. Most BM I met didn't even come close. In my opinion, BM had an equal chance with me as a WM, AM, HM, or whatever. They just had to fit the bill. If I had met an attractive BM with all the same things my DH has, I would have given him chance, but that's like looking for a needle in a haystack.
I was also raised in such a way that it made it very difficult to connect with AA's. I tried to fit in, and when it didn't sit right with me, I started being myself. That wasn't enough for most AA's so I made my friends with everyone else. So yeah, in the dating and mating scene, BM were at a disadvantage with me because of my upbringing and expectations.
Just my two cents.
Siditty I love your writing style. I had a huge thing for Middle Eastern men, HUGE!!! My mom thought I was going to convert to Islam at one point (lol). But then a friend introduced me to my husband who is Black and I have not been happier we have good days and then we have the side eye days. Overall he was the one for me. Like you I was rarely approached in the correct manner by Black men. But then my hubby did all the right things and even enjoys my dorky no-rythmn at one point white girl booty (I did not have much of one until about 3years ago; but I gots one now)
Do you remember the actor Jonathan Brandis? Apparently he used to be in 5 year relationship with Tatyana Ali.
People magazine:
http://tinyurl.com/5mpryn
Wikipedia:
http://tinyurl.com/2phusr
I give "brothers" a chance all of the time but if we were in a room full of attractive men I'd probably look at the white guy first. Just my preference. That's not to say that I don't find black men attractive, it's just that the type that I'm attracted to (nerdy hipster) isn't very common in my area. Those types tend to go for non black girls, so that decreases my chances of getting to know them further. Oh well.
Yeah, 30K millionares, some of my least favorite people.
Dallas is crawling with them. People obsessed with name brand clothing, what area you live in, what restaurants and clubs you hang out in, and the type of car you drive. Bleh.
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I never learned how. I was "too white" for their taste too.
I was too white for some white guys I dated.
If I had met an attractive BM with all the same things my DH has, I would have given him chance, but that's like looking for a needle in a haystack.
I do think that the black men who do fit the ideal (college educated, single, no kids, decent job) know for a fact they are not as prevalent as black women who fit this bill, and basically use that to their advantage.
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Siditty I love your writing style. I had a huge thing for Middle Eastern men, HUGE!!! My mom thought I was going to convert to Islam at one point (lol). But then a friend introduced me to my husband who is Black and I have not been happier we have good days and then we have the side eye days.
I dated a Pakistani guy once and my mother tried really hard to make him black.
I am glad you like my semi coherent writing style aka ramblings :) All marriages have the side eye days. Me and my husband are having that today LOL
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I give "brothers" a chance all of the time but if we were in a room full of attractive men I'd probably look at the white guy first. Just my preference
Me too :) I just like the white guys.
Truthfully, I'm a straight up equal opportunist!
I'm just saying, men are men and they all look good to me! If you fit my "hottness" list, I will look.....HARD!
Now, my problem is that men find me intimidating.
I've always been approached respectfully by "brotha's" though. Only a handful of times have I had to school a "brotha" on how to talk to me. Otherwise, I don't get approached often to bother with it.
"I do think that the black men who do fit the ideal (college educated, single, no kids, decent job) know for a fact they are not as prevalent as black women who fit this bill, and basically use that to their advantage. "
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I must agree with this. Most educated BM do try to use it to their advantage and have a literal harem of women or they think they're the sh!t and don't have to commit to any woman because they're a hot commodity. What crap.
I think a better question is why should BW give the so called "brothers a chance". Race alone should not obligate BW to date and/or marry BM. If/when MOST BM START TO REPSECT THE HUMANITY, DIGNITY, AND FEMININITY OF BW, THEN THEY CAN EXPECT TO BE GIVEN A "CHANCE".
Damn siditty wasn't no white guys at the club?
LOL
I can honestly say that I appreciate you acknowledging the fact that you were not exposed to the brothas. Thats an honest and fair explanation.
I wasn't exposed to white women growing up, and it wasn't until college that I interacted with them. So yeah, I guess I can identify with what you said as far as exposure. Plus it sounds like you and hubby met with good timing.
Really?
I get the opposite.
When I was in Cali., There were a lot of great looking women who didn't rely on their looks. They had to develop other social, intellectual and social skills.
Here in Beaumont, the pretty women are just pretty, the smart ones are just smart. Most women are just one-dimentional.
In the burbs of Cali, all women competed for the best guys regardless of race. Here in this small town, it's whites for white and Blacks for Black. There is little need for being good in more than a few things.
I wouldn't date most women here (they're too easilly impressed with my financial status but offer little of themselves). Even the so called well-to-do think that I'm stuck-up.
I tend to date middle to upper class women. In a small town like this, there is little availible. Most of the women are financialy middle class - but socially lower class.
I like different types of men, but I've always been attracted to White men.I don't think that I "Act
White" but I've heard that from many Black men, just because I speak the Queen's English and I have degrees, but my tastes are mostly "Black" and most of the decent Black guys in HS were into White girls or racially ambiguous girls, so I didn't date until college where different personalities were tolerated more--even though it was an all-female HBCU. Naturally, you would be attracted to someone who would be attracted to you snd accept you for who you are, not who they want you to be. So those are the guys that I was drawn to.
Um...
I never gave any Brothers a chance either.
I've always been approached respectfully by "brotha's" though. Only a handful of times have I had to school a "brotha" on how to talk to me. Otherwise, I don't get approached often to bother with it.
Like I said, I think it had to do with the environment in which I was exposed to brothers. In college there were some black guys, but typically speaking they weren't into me. I always ended up talking to guys back in the clubbing days, and as my husband tells it, men don't go to clubs for conversation, which would explain their approach to me :)
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I must agree with this. Most educated BM do try to use it to their advantage and have a literal harem of women or they think they're the sh!t and don't have to commit to any woman because they're a hot commodity. What crap.
I will say that was my experience in college. If you were a "rare commodity" and you had people seeking it, wouldn't you use it to your advantage? The manner of which some guys do it might not be ethical, but I can understand the ideal.
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I think a better question is why should BW give the so called "brothers a chance". Race alone should not obligate BW to date and/or marry BM. If/when MOST BM START TO REPSECT THE HUMANITY, DIGNITY, AND FEMININITY OF BW, THEN THEY CAN EXPECT TO BE GIVEN A "CHANCE".
I do think most black men are capable of humanity, dignity, and femininity of bw.
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Rippa,
There were white guys at the club, they were too scared to approach me like that, you know us black women will fight you and shank somebody, a lot of white guys believe that. I did have the white guys who would ask me to dance for them like my name was Delicious and we were in a club called Xstasy. They got cursed out too LOL
I can honestly say that I appreciate you acknowledging the fact that you were not exposed to the brothas. Thats an honest and fair explanation. I wasn't exposed to white women growing up, and it wasn't until college that I interacted with them. So yeah, I guess I can identify with what you said as far as exposure. Plus it sounds like you and hubby met with good timing.
Yeah me and the hubby are happy, it worked out, even though the engineer brotha was nice as all get out, but I wasn't into the whole dating two guys at one time thing LOL
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When I was in Cali., There were a lot of great looking women who didn't rely on their looks. They had to develop other social, intellectual and social skills. Here in Beaumont, the pretty women are just pretty, the smart ones are just smart. Most women are just one-dimentional.
You mean to tell me in all of beaumont there are no women who develop social, intellectual, and social skills. You are in a city with a university in it, and none of those women are there? I have a hard time believing that. Considering you came from Cali, I think there might be a disconnect in cultural understanding. For some reason people come to Texas and think we all talk a certain way and drop out of high school in 10th grade. It isn't true, but that is the impression most folks have. Maybe the women who are financially middle class, but socially lower class, have moved up financially and socially in the world, and don't know how to assimilate into "class". Of course I know millionaires who show no class at all, and the poor people who are more socially and culturally refined than most of the "upper class".
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Um... I never gave any Brothers a chance either.
I bet your wife was happy as hell about that. I hope you didn't give the white guys a chance either :)
I really feel sorry for black women who date only black guys in this society. Chances of landing a decent one are too low. Not that there are no decent ones, they are there but the chances of them having a high interest in black women are extremely low.
Going simply by the numbers, its safer to aim for non black men.
"I tend to date middle to upper class women. In a small town like this, there is little availible. Most of the women are financialy middle class - but socially lower class."
LOL! You may want to go to lower income areas. There are women who are socially upper class and are Financially lower class.
I know I didn't truly give brothers a chance either. I grew up in a mostly white neighborhood going to mostly white schools and when black men would approach me, they would recoil when I spoke.
Also, as happens with guys of any other race/ethnicity, I've had a lot of brothers be intimidated by the words that I use though that's just how I speak.
There were guys I thought were cute, but nothing ever happened with that. The only guys who every really asked me out/dated me were white guys with the exception of one friend I tried to date for a minute.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not attracted even though at one point I tried really hard to be at one point a long while ago (but it didn't work obviously).
Grata said...
"I really feel sorry for black women who date only black guys in this society. Chances of landing a decent one are too low. Not that there are no decent ones, they are there but the chances of them having a high interest in black women are extremely low.Going simply by the numbers, its safer to aim for non black men."
Now this I do not agree with. Sure its Greta's opinion. But we have to be honest in saying that alot of the perceptions of the Black man have been shaped by the media, who happens to be white.
This is what I mean by "conditioning" as it relates to this subject. Its just like the media hype creating the perception that the reason Black women contract AIDS/HIV in higher numbers than other ethnicitys was due to the overwhelming numbers od Black men on the down low.
This has since been debunked. There is no statistical data that are available that can support this claim. Alot of what we think has been, and will always be shaped by the media aka the ruling white establishment. Its really no different than Black women adhering to european standards of beauty to be "acceptable" or even to compete.
I haven't had a black boyfriend since 1989. Is it by choice yes and no! I am generally attracted to non-black men first but over time only black men over the age of 45 approach me, so I pretty much don't think much about them.
Although I have to say Common, Idris Elba, Lenny could totally get it...lol
"Now this I do not agree with. Sure its Greta's opinion. But we have to be honest in saying that alot of the perceptions of the Black man have been shaped by the media, who happens to be white"
Using your same line of reasoning, the same white media has conditioned black men to prefer non black women. Which also, like you said, has conditioned black women to adhere to European standard of beauty (which I am very much against).
So it is actually accurate to say that black men generally prefer non black women because of white media conditioning.
I gave brothers chances. Been in relationships, semi-relationships and strictly sexual "business deals" with brothers. I'm like tigasinamon. If the dude is on point, and fits my criteria, I'm on it. Well I used to be on it. I found my guy already lol.
Nope. Prior to meeting Mr. Salt(my Navajo hubby), I didn't get much attention from black guys. I would have given it a chance, but since I'm off the market now, oh well.
This is what I mean by "conditioning" as it relates to this subject. Its just like the media hype creating the perception that the reason Black women contract AIDS/HIV in higher numbers than other ethnicitys was due to the overwhelming numbers od Black men on the down low.
This has since been debunked. There is no statistical data that are available that can support this claim. Alot of what we think has been, and will always be shaped by the media aka the ruling white establishment. Its really no different than Black women adhering to european standards of beauty to be "acceptable" or even to compete.
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The media statistics are correct there are many interview in which black women say they caught AIDS from their husbands or boyfriends who were living on the down low this is one of the main reason why I do not date black men and beside I found many of them could not accept my no sex before marriage policy.
"The media statistics are correct there are many interview in which black women say they caught AIDS from their husbands or boyfriends who were living on the down low this is one of the main reason why I do not date black men and beside I found many of them could not accept my no sex before marriage policy."
Bullshit!
There isn't any statistical data collected at the CDC that supports this. When you find that data that supports this...HOLLA at me!
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