Growing up as a black girl in suburbia, I was well aware that my parents worked very hard to get to where they were, and that they set high expectations for me to maintain or exceed the lifestyle the provided me.
Even though my parents and I get along great now, my parents although I love them were tough as hell on me growing up. My father in particular was really kind of tough. He kind of expected me to be a little adult. My mother although more lax, wasn't what I would call lax. My parents were hard core parents. I still tremble in fear of the both of them. If I had told my parents I wanted to be a nurse, they would tell me to be a doctor. If I told them I wanted to graduate from college, they told me to get a PhD. My mother is still hoping I get the first PhD in the family, as my mom and dad "only" have their Masters. My parents were the type of parents who told me straight up because I was a black woman, I would have to be better and work harder at anything and everything I do. A "B" was never good enough, an "A" was the only acceptable grade in my house, and in the summer's there was nothing wrong with doing mommy assigned homework for a couple of hours a day. My father thought I should be reading more meaningful books than some old funky fiction from Jack Kerouac or Kurt Vonnegut.
I just now told my mother of my plans to become a teacher. She is happy, or I should say OK with it, but my father not so much. He told me I was "too good" to teach. It kind of stung, but I know my father. I should note my mother is a teacher, and my father used to be a teacher. He keeps telling me I need a job that will pay me and provide a good lifestyle. He never wants me to feel poverty like he experienced growing up, and I understand that, but I can think of worse things to be than a school teacher.
In high school, I told my parents I wanted to major in English in college, get my PhD, and become a writer, and my parents yelled at me and informed me their money would only go to worthwhile majors like business, engineering, or the like. My parents tried to turn me on to accounting, but I just couldn't do it, but business I could do. I think this is part of the reason I rebelled in college. Going from an extremely structured environment to one not structured at all was too much. I went crazy. I was at night clubs every night, and skipping the 9:00 am classes in lieu of sleeping in or watching "Little House On The Prairie" was too much. Needless to say, me and Sallie Mae now are BFFs.
I say all of this because I wonder will I do the same to my future hypothetical kids. I am sure I will give them you got to work harder and better speech, but will race or gender be a factor in that speech? I don't know. My husband thinks it is cruel to give a kid homework in the summer. I do know I would hope that I wouldn't measure my kids success by the amount of money they make. I realize that money makes things easier, I would want them to have a comfortable life, but I would want them to be happy I hope, even if lawyer or doctor wasn't on the top of their list for income. I would want them to be educated, but I hope if they came to me and said they wanted to be an artist, I wouldn't push them into getting a chemistry degree. That I wouldn't feel they needed a PhD, and finally that as long as they were employed, able to take care of themselves, and happy, I would be happy for them. I don't want my kids to rebel like I did, but I don't want to be their best friend either. I don't want to be the cool mom who listens to cool music, and lets their kids do cool things. I just don't want them to feel obligated to me like I feel obligated to my parents to adhere to certain expectations, and not feel horribly for not following those ideal expectations to the "T".
10 comments:
WARNING: Long comment. Sorry.
That is the way people describe Nigerian Parents !!!!:-)
But there are a lot of parents with high expectations!!!
However, i think all black parents say things like you have to work harder than your white classmates. My parents always said that !!!!
I'm glad they did, because being the only black girl in my class and in the school (back then there were not many) i realised i stood out and if i mess up it will reflect badly on other black people.
It's funny because even though my parents said this and are Nigerian, they still let my big brother quit boarding school at 16 to do Art and they tend to discourage my ambitions by saying things like:
"Are you sure you want to be a doctor? Hmmm, you are much too social, it's a job that would depress you, why don't you try business?"
When most parents would push their children into things like doctoring and engineering !
You talked bout your time at college and i thought that was funny because ALL teeenagers do that !!! Well, atleast all the first years here do...hmmmm, i did last year sometimes.
As for the Mum best friend thing. I do not know how my mother did it. But i respect and love her to bits. I tell her pretty much EVERYTHING and she is my best friend. But she is a "cool" mum as in all my friends think she is pretty relaxed and gives good advice. This is because her mother was much too strict with her, so she wanted to be much more open with me. However, we have all managed to stay on track. I dunno how that happened.But it is possible to have a good relationship with your children and have their respect !
Teaching is really hard !!! I TRIED IT and i realised i couldnt do it. You need a lot of patience and passion for what you are doing. I still think my high school science teacher is one of the smartest woman i have ever met and my old, probably a lesbian, french teacher was inspirational and i still think about them today. There were no black teachers in my school, i did not know black teachers existed until i went to visit the local belgian american school, where there was ONE and the are like 2 that i know of here in Uni.
That's it.
He told me I was "too good" to teach.
***********************************
The problem with society is that there are not enough teachers that are "too good to teach". Seriously, we need better teachers, or else we will just keep losing generations young people to these awful public school systems.
It's funny because I had a teacher my freshman year who changed my life. His class was on globalization, current events, and the problems with society. Every class would include a depressing a discussion of what was going on around the world, and then discussions on what could be done. He would then conclude the class with a brief (not really brief, it was like 15 minutes) Idea of his solutions and explanation for them and pose a question of what we could do ourselves. Then he would end with, "well I'm just teacher, I can't really accomplish that much." He would do this almost every class. At the end of the last class he said he wanted to show us something, went on the internet (displayed on a screen from an overhead projector) and went on this website. This website feature various prominent world leaders (including Bill Clinton) whose goals and accomplishments were establishing and maintaining honest democracy in the developing countries. Then he clicked on a link that showed the four founder of the group, and highlight his name. Then he said "I'm only a teacher." This moment was very moving and inspirational to me. I still get chills remembering that moment, the feeling that you can affect the world and change it if you try.
What I'm trying to say, is that teachers can make a large difference on the world and don't let others make you feel bad about being a teacher, it's one of the most noble professions out there, and you can really make a difference in a person.
When will black people wake up and recognize that they don't have to work harder than their white counterparts. In reality it's whites who have to work harder to get into top universities in this nation. Comprehensive review gives university administrators a face-saving explanation for admissions disparities that appear racially motivated. In 2003, for example, John Moores Sr., the one remaining Regent committed to colorblind meritocracy, disclosed that Berkeley had admitted 374 applicants in 2002 with SATs under 1,000—almost all of them “students of color”—while rejecting 3,218 applicants with scores above 1,400.
UCLA had similar admissions disparities. A study of UCLA admissions from 1998 to 2001—before the official onset of comprehensive review—showed that, even controlling for economic status and school ranking, blacks were 3.6 times as likely to be admitted as whites. A study of Boalt Law School admissions by Richard Sander revealed disparities between minorities and whites of such magnitude that to posit any explanation other than race seems fanciful. Boalt assigns each applicant a numerical index based on college grades and Law School Admissions Test scores. In 2002, it admitted 92 percent of white applicants with an index of 250 or higher but only 5 percent with an index between 235 and 239. By contrast, it admitted 75 percent of black applicants in the 235–239 range in 2002 and 65 percent in 2003. No black applicants had an index of 250 or higher. Even a 2004 university study acknowledged that there were admissions disparities by race that nonacademic, nonracial factors could not account for.
Being black in this country has huge advantages nowadays. The old saying that blacks have to be twice as good was valid 50 years ago, it's not valid at all today.
I'm still waiting for my free college and free pass in without admissions. I had an above average SAT score for my overwhelmingly white college I attended. I also want to note, that I am wondering why and how whites have to work harder than blacks. Income disparities between whites and blacks of the same education level still exist, why is that, is it because whites work harder and blacks are lazy......
Joshua your argument is flawed, and pathetic and has no room in this post. But thanks for playing.
BTW, how do you explain my black college educated parents attending schools before the advent of Affirmative Action? Did they get the "negro got in for free while a worthwhile white child was discarded" card too?
I went to a state mega university that admitted 90% of applicants yet I still had random white people complaining to me about affirmative action. I'm sorry I must have missed my handout. I went to a below average high school yet managed to have above average test scores. A white student with a C average can become president of the USA but a biracial black man had to be head of the Harvard law review to be elected and even then some people grumble that he is an affirmative action candidate. I am amazed at the trolls who have nothing better to do than post anonymously on blogs. I know this may come as a shock to some white people but you are not entitled to everything and 99% of the time if a minority gets a better job are fancier university admissions it is because THEY ARE SMARTER THAN YOU so get over yourself.
Joshua, I think it’s time you looked a little deeper.
http://www.bunchecenter.ucla.edu/research/BuncheReport4.pdf
In fall 2007, UCLA admitted 230 African American students out of a total of 4,889. That’s 4.7% and not nearly as high as the approximate 7% of California’s population.
[Sarcastic, just in case you’re that dense.] Wow, they took soooo many spaces away from those other deserving students. Surely those likely ~3,000 1,400+ SAT scoring applicants at UCLA (because it isn’t only Berkeley) would have been let in if it weren’t for those African Americans.
Siditty, both of my girls are bright, and I do push them to always do their best. My idea of homework in the summer is science and history museums, library reading programs, and travel. I want them to be able to take care of themselves, be educated, and hold a job that keeps them from falling below the standard of living. My oldest wants to be just like Mom, who is a teacher, but teachers are often the scapegoats of everything that is wrong with education (especially in my state). I want her to be happy with her career choice.
They haven’t had the experiences that I had when I was younger. They are aware of discrimination and inequality, but haven’t experienced it yet. I just hope I’m preparing them for the day by talking to them, showing them what I see, and modeling how I deal with issues. I’m tough with their school work, but every day they know how much I love them.
Sorry for addressing Joshua above. He rubbed me the wrong way.
Siddity,
I think we had the same parents; no seriously it was so weird reading you post, because that was/is my life. My brother is a teacher, and let me tell you, my Dad was not to happy when he made that decision. "How will you support a family on a teacher's salary?” was the exact question he posed to my then 23 year old brother. My brother has been teaching for 3 yrs now and he loves it. I took the corporate route, maybe initially to appease my parents, but I actually like it (most of the time). I always joke that spending 30+ years in Corporate America will make my soul shrivel up and die, but hey souls are overrated! .
Ultimately you have to do what you enjoy, and the money will come. The idea of working, working, working just to make more and more money is flawed, because when is enough, enough. It's never enough.
Suesue, BTW my father is Nigerian, and the expectations are SO high!
My father was the same way and at the time I hated him for it, but looking back he was only trying to protect me. The world can be very cold and hard.
But life is about more than just making loads of money or being "secure". You only live once and so on. If teaching (or writing) is what you truly love, then you should go for it. In the end you will be way happier and way better at what you do.
Even your father, as hard as he is, will want you to be happy in the end.
By the way, just curious, what was it your father wanted you to read instead of Vonnegut and Kerouac?
I have to stay on my 5-year-old to focus. One of his issues is ADHD, so that makes it difficult. I have to adjust my expectations for him due to his issues. He is smart, but he just has to learn a different way from most kids. Part of being a parent is learning that your kids are not extensions of you. You can't live through them and expect them to do the things that you couldn't do. They have your DNA, but they are individuals and they have to be happy doing their own thing as long as it doesn't involve breaking the law or hurting anyone else. I struggle with the concept of letting my boys go one day and being men. They need me so much now, but there will come a time when they won't need me as much and our relationship will have to change or they will grow up resenting me for smothering them.
Even your father, as hard as he is, will want you to be happy in the end. By the way, just curious, what was it your father wanted you to read instead of Vonnegut and Kerouac?
I think he is happy I am not a lesbian, during my 1990s grunge phase I was wearing a lot of flannel, it kind of scared him :)
I think he is happy with me for the most part, but he wants me to be this super duper career woman, and I was for a while, but I had my mid life crisis at 29 and decided I don't really like corporate America.
My father wanted me to read self help books like Dale Carnegie type stuff. He feels that is more valuable to learning. Fiction is a waste of time in his eyes :)
--------
I struggle with the concept of letting my boys go one day and being men. They need me so much now, but there will come a time when they won't need me as much and our relationship will have to change or they will grow up resenting me for smothering them.
My parents still struggle with that. My father remembers when I lived at home as being the "good old days". He told me he misses me living with them, even though I am literally only 15 minutes away from them, the next town over. My parents are definite smotherers, but I don't have a problem with it, I take it as their way of showing love.
Post a Comment