2009-01-02
Bad Boys: Why?
I've never understood the attraction to "bad boys", i.e. thugs, gangsta, from the streets, a hood, or "soldier". I don't like folks who are prone to prison or jail. I have had no desire to date a man who treats me like crap. My idea of a bad boy was a guy who claimed he was an anarchist and dyed his hair blue. He was more of a sideline anarchist and never was one to put his anarchy into motion. I dated a bad boy once, it just wasn't my cup of tea, and to be honest he was really a deuce, not a bad boy.
What is the attraction to men who are "hood"? In the videos I posted one woman said she needed a man who was aggressive and that bad boys were better in bed and more experienced. Personally I think nice guys can have experience in bed, and maybe the quiet ones don't have to brag so much about how good they are in bed. Nice guys can go bad in the bedroom, and no one is going to complain. I just don't want you beating the hell out of me, or knocking me up and running off outside the bedroom. I also like to be respected on occasion, and not treated like a bitch or "ho". I also don't understand when did nice guys quit taking care of women? I thought the nice guys were the ones who stuck around, not left folks high and dry like the bad boys? So what is the attraction for the ladies who like their men bad? I don't get it.
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So what is the attraction for the ladies who like their men bad?
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I think it's the danger element. It makes life a little more exciting.
I like the nice boys...who are bad boys in bed ;)
Beautifully.Conjured.Up said "I like the nice boys...who are bad boys in bed ;)"
Well said, BCU! :D
I think much of it is instinctive. Going back to our homo-sapien ancestors... "cavemen"...lol That mentality didn't die out with them. It just transformed.
Now, aggressive vs bad boy I believe are two different things. Bad boy is an image, aggressive nature can go into subsets. I like aggressive men, I define them as more of the type of man that is focused and knows what he wants without being prodded or pushed constantly. An Alpha, but with the ability to get Beta when it's called for. I think most women want a man like that. Independent, strong, a caretaker/provider, and protector. You don't have to be a gangsta/thug to be a protector and provider. Unfortunately, many women, especially young women, do not get that yet.
"Soldier" might be one of the all time ignorant songs.
If his status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for him
Betta be street if he looking at me
*Shudder*
Kat,
I like my danger limited, I like adventure though :)
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Me too Beautifully.Conjured.Up!!!!!
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はろにか,
I understand the want or need to have a guy protect you, I get that, but seriously does he have to look like he came from prison or treat me like complete crap?
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C1,
I agree, but then Beyonce married Jay Z and didn't he get indicted on assault once. Droopy the Dog got hood tendencies.
I have a few females in my family who liked the bad boys. They were basically a part of a harem of pregnant women. Does that make a woman feel special? I've never understood the psychology.
I can't do bad boys, I would kill them. Even back home bad boys just ran from me. They must have seen my crazy self and thought, 'NO. I still need my nuts'.
I guess I was simply too rough. I made good friends with them though. my favorite are players. Ooooh, I love players who think they got game. Those are my favorites, especially when their game fails them and they get beaten at it.
So many women devalue their lives and allowing a man to further denigrate you is one of the worst blows to an already damaged psyche.
When someone does not know their worth or believe that they are deserving of better treatment then this is the image which is presented to black women as the idea. The “fake” hyper masculine, hyper sexualized, victimized, emasculated black man of very little value.
Everyone on the face of this earth has free will and it’s solely up to women to reject this negative image of black men as the ideal.
The confluence of a dysfunctional popular culture, material machismo all perpetrated by ignorance makes these type of men seem as attractive mates. The romanticized ideal of “loving’ a thug mentality will suck the life out of you if you allow it to.
Is this one of the main leading failures to one our most urgent social problems, the trend of fatherless children? We can no longer continue to deny or ignore the problem as if it does not exist.
Abandoned and fatherless children are often the by product of the consequences of many women for choosing the wrong men. Is this the best example of a man? One who abandons his own children and does not provide for them? Learn the difference between what a man is and what one is not, you‘ll be thankful later.
The issues surrounding this type of mentality are huge, the solutions are also complicated but this discussion is very important and much needed. As the saying goes, when we know better, we do better.
Your such an Aqiarius siditty. =) I too don't see the attraction to bad boys, give me the shy, mysterious, sexy nerd any day. I'm aqua also and '09 is supposed to be our year so expect good things to come your way this year!
As you can see I'm a bit of an astro nerd.
i'm into strong, intelligent men myself, i don't really give "bad boys," the time of day. i like them sensitive, protective and kind-hearted
I don't understand any woman who likes thugs in the criminal sense. At the same time, I don't believe that most women prefer them. But there is another type of thug that some women do like. Thug meaning the opposite of preppy. During a conversation at work, the women agreed that if one was going to date black men, choose the thug type since they are usually more appreciative of black women than those who became successful.
I've read/heard that women like bad boys because they think they can tame them. I think that's an interesting perspective.
I can't lie... I kinda like 'em bad. But not ghetto/thug bad, I mean a little badass but all in all, ambitious and strong and in control. I like guys who are pretty laidback but aren't effeminate or weak under pressure. He can act a bit gangster (not "gangsta") too if he pleases. That's what I like. I don't think I'm too out of the loop for that one, Siditty. ;)
i suppose the same reason that certain people like nerds, certain people like goths, certain people like wholesome Christians, etc.
it's all a preference.
also...a question. what does someone who looks like they "came from prison" look like?
also, are all men coming home from prison bad boys? are all quiet, nerdy types good boys?
hmm...i wonder if people can tell when a nerd has just been released from prison. does he look like it?
Safety.
Many women want a man who they feel can protect them.
I have a few females in my family who liked the bad boys. They were basically a part of a harem of pregnant women. Does that make a woman feel special? I've never understood the psychology.
I think some women feel they can change a bad boy. I learned a long time ago you can't change folks who don't want to change. Getting pregnant doesn't make a man automatically want to become responsible either.
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Grata,
LOL @
They must have seen my crazy self and thought, 'NO. I still need my nuts'.
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Everyone on the face of this earth has free will and it’s solely up to women to reject this negative image of black men as the ideal.
So very true. If we didn't run to them, they wouldn't be out and about.
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Your such an Aqiarius siditty. =) I too don't see the attraction to bad boys, give me the shy, mysterious, sexy nerd any day. I'm aqua also and '09 is supposed to be our year so expect good things to come your way this year! As you can see I'm a bit of an astro nerd.
I hope this year is good :)
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i'm into strong, intelligent men myself, i don't really give "bad boys," the time of day. i like them sensitive, protective and kind-hearted
Exactly. I can still get protection from a man who isn't treating me like crap and whose sole purpose in life is to prove how tough he is.
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I don't understand any woman who likes thugs in the criminal sense. At the same time, I don't believe that most women prefer them. But there is another type of thug that some women do like. Thug meaning the opposite of preppy. During a conversation at work, the women agreed that if one was going to date black men, choose the thug type since they are usually more appreciative of black women than those who became successful.
So what exactly is the thug they like? The guy who fulfills the stereotype of ghetto thug culture? I think divalocity defined a thug best when she said "The “fake” hyper masculine, hyper sexualized, victimized, emasculated black man of very little value.".
My ideal man was someone who wasn't necessarily successful financially, but had something going on. Getting an education, working hard at a job. Someone who didn't like to play games. I don't think preppy is what I define that as, as I know many people who aren't preppy who fit into this ideal.
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I can't lie... I kinda like 'em bad. But not ghetto/thug bad, I mean a little badass but all in all, ambitious and strong and in control. I like guys who are pretty laidback but aren't effeminate or weak under pressure. He can act a bit gangster (not "gangsta") too if he pleases. That's what I like. I don't think I'm too out of the loop for that one, Siditty. ;)
See, I can't do gang folk LOL. You don't have to be a thug to be ambitious and in control. You can be laid back and not a thug.
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i suppose the same reason that certain people like nerds, certain people like goths, certain people like wholesome Christians, etc. it's all a preference.
I don't know. I know folks have preferences, but to me wanting a thug isn't something that is ideal in the long run.
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also...a question. what does someone who looks like they "came from prison" look like?
They look like different kinds of things. I just don't deal with folks like that, including folks like that in my family. I don't want to be with someone who runs or ran drugs, assaulted people, raped folks, molested folks, stole someone's car, or the like. I don't like the idea of settling down with someone to find out later I will be on my own while they are sitting in prison. I don't want to make collect calls to folks and put money on their books. I don't want to have to take my kids to a prison so they can see their father. I don't want them to think that is the ideal situation and a healthy relationship. Plus I have known a few women to find their catch in jail, to later be left high and dry when those men get out because they have decided to expand their options outside the one person who sent money on their books, accepted their collect calls, wrote them letters, and visited them.
also, are all men coming home from prison bad boys? are all quiet, nerdy types good boys?
Typically if you are coming from prison, you did something bad to end up there to begin with.
Not all nerds are good, not all quiet types are either. But I can't date a guy who is into criminal activity. Me and my husband had this conversation a long time ago, if either one of us were ever to go to prison, we would get divorced, as it wouldn't be fair to the person on the outside to have to hold things down alone, and not to mention prison is a hard place to deal with mentally, and the mentality of most people who get out of prison is altered.
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Safety. Many women want a man who they feel can protect them.
None thugs can be protective too.
There are a lot of women who are attracted to bad boys, and when they are in their 20s, 30s, but when they get fed of the treatment of 'bad boys', they want nice men and most times, it is too late for them, because they have already too much baggage.
Safety.
Many women want a man who they feel can protect them.
John,
The ironic part is women who date thugs-criminals are more likely to be victimized.
He can act a bit gangster (not "gangsta") too if he pleases. That's what I like. I don't think I'm too out of the loop for that one, Siditty. ;)
I'm not too sure what exactly "gangsta" means, but a "gangster" is someone who is a member of a criminal organization, i.e. the Mafia.
I doubt very many women are interested in bad boys. Grown women go for grown men. Beyonce isn't even thirty yet, and she was like 22-23 when she was singing that song? Now she's married to a man who's been known to hit at least one woman. Give her a few years and she'll be doing that Tina thing.
The ironic part is women who date thugs-criminals are more likely to be victimized.
That is what I think. Thugs aren't known for their open sensitivity and displays of affection.
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I'm not too sure what exactly "gangsta" means, but a "gangster" is someone who is a member of a criminal organization, i.e. the Mafia.
I don't like gangstas either. I don't like criminal activity around me.
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Grown women go for grown men. Beyonce isn't even thirty yet, and she was like 22-23 when she was singing that song? Now she's married to a man who's been known to hit at least one woman. Give her a few years and she'll be doing that Tina thing.
Listen I was 23 when I met my husband, and he is the furthest thing from a bad boy. If she wants to date a man indicted for stabbing a guy at the club so be it, but you are right, she will be pulling a Tina.
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I also want to note this isn't just a black woman thing either. Miss Sinaloa 2008 of Mexico likes bad boys too. Why is a beauty queen hanging out with gangstas and running guns and money?
Oh and I object to the use of doberman's in the Destiny Child video. Dobermans are goof balls, they aren't hood or thug. Trust me, my dobie is a nice guy :)
Siditty I thought the first vid was fuuunnnnyyyy how, the three women on the couch tried to intellectually justify their desire for a bad boy.
What they fail to understand that the type of man they are describing are the first to abandon them. Just plain ignant
The whole topic of bad boys makes me barf. I cannot believe the idiocy of these women saying they are drawn to these worthless cretins because they want to be protected and provided for. All these guys are are scared little caricatures of men because they have no authentic masculinity. They are scared of hard work, whether it be in the academic or work setting, scared of commitment and responsibility, scared of being REAL men. The only thing these thugs/gangstas are trying to protect are their egos. I don't know why some women see strength in a man who will do nothing but make life harder for them. Some folks call it a preference, I call it a pathology. Some poor folks are born stupid and stay that way all their lives.
All that sad, the only type of man I hate worse than the bad boy is the "nice guy". As soon as I hear a man describe himself as a "nice guy" I'm gone b/c usually that is the intro to a diatribe about how all women are bitches who want to be mistreated. Usually these guys are passive aggressive doormats with no personality and they are so bitter and preoccupied with the women who aren't interested, they don't have time for the ones who are.
I think most men are somewhere in between these two extremes.
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I like aggressive men, I define them as more of the type of man that is focused and knows what he wants without being prodded or pushed constantly...
I think a better word would be assertive. It's an important distinction since an aggressive man would likely go through life trying to bully everyone into doing things his way and would have no use for tactfulness.
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Siditty,
Dobermans are goof balls, they aren't hood or thug. Trust me, my dobie is a nice guy :)
I don't know about that. I still have a scar on my back from when the horrid Doberman in my old neighborhood attacked me- the same dog that used to chase cars and blocked me from going down the street to my bus stop til my mom came out and chased it away with a stick. They are still plenty scary to me.
i guess i can accept "different kinds of things"...because well, anyone can look like different kinds of things. thank goodness there is no one particular "look" though.
i think that alot of women choose "bad boys" because that's what they saw growing up and glamorized it or something. then today's music and the precedence that materialistic items take in our world (and the bad boy's ability to get these items)...all of that seems to tie in my opinion. that's not it...but perhaps some of it.
it's just someone's preference. that's the simplest answer (and probably most accurate and unbiased) that i can come up with).
me wanting someone that doesn't believe in God isn't ideal in the long run, someone who's spirituality is basically in the gutter (meaning they have none)...but all i'm saying is what's ideal to one person in the long run may not be ideal to another.
again...preference.
and dobermans can be volatile and aggressive...one my mom raised as a puppy tried to take off her entire hand one day while she was feeding it...my neighbors doberman (family dog) mauled their then 2 year old granddaughter's face...she had to have reconstructive surgery on her face.
to this day i would never have a doberman around my children as a live in dog. but some folk are avid doberman lovers.
but we have a pit bull. and she is the sweetet thing on four legs. :)
preference *shrug*
and dobermans can be volatile and aggressive...one my mom raised as a puppy tried to take off her entire hand one day while she was feeding it...my neighbors doberman (family dog) mauled their then 2 year old granddaughter's face...she had to have reconstructive surgery on her face. to this day i would never have a doberman around my children as a live in dog. but some folk are avid doberman lovers. but we have a pit bull. and she is the sweetet thing on four legs. :)
I got a doberman and a pitt bull mix. I am just asking for trouble :) I have had the pitt mix for as long as me and the husband have been together. She was one of the first things my husband ever gave me.
For every story of a doberman harming a human, there is one for a pit bull, a lab, and even chihuahuas and pomeranians. Temperament is based upon socialization and training. My dogs are very well socialized to people, they love kids and babies (we don't necessarily feel babies are safe with any dog unsupervised), but my dobie sleeps with my brother and sister when they spend the night with us. So does the pitt. I remember when we got our dobie from the rescue we adopted him from, the people there were freaked out I had bought a pitt bull there to see if they would get along. They were for sure she was going to attack another dog. She didn't, she was actually playing shy the whole time, only sniffing and then running behind me. They like cats (they live with one), and both love to play.
I wouldn't give up my sweeties for the world, of course my husband feels differently, even though we got the dobie for him.
Personally, nice guys make the best lovers. The bad boys try to knock your walls out with a complete and utter disregard for your sexual pleasure. Nice guys are considerate enough to think about your desires.
OH MY GOD! Siditty are you preggers?????? Congrats! If I am wrong, please don't publish this comment lol
"The issues surrounding this type of mentality are huge, the solutions are also complicated but this discussion is very important and much needed. As the saying goes, when we know better, we do better."
Divalocity,
Well said. The acceptablitiy of these fools is a major cause of what ills the BC.
"During a conversation at work, the women agreed that if one was going to date black men, choose the thug type since they are usually more appreciative of black women than those who became successful."
That is because they can use the oppressed black man card effectively on BW.
But there are non black women who are susceptible to it too. I have a white classmate who is dating a thug. This woman never talked to me before but one day she brought him to the class and the guy was so embarrassed to see me and I tried my best not to make him uncomfortable. She became friendly to me thereafter. I guess she figured that since I had seen her black boy friend I should be comfortable with her henceforth. I don't care if they marry all the thugs. They help the community by doing so.
I met a black French woman and she told me that the moment black men are released from jail they are quicky snapped up by WW. And the blacks there encourage it. I guess since most balcks there are of African and Carribean descent, there is a stigma around being jailed. Its not like US pop culture where it is romanticised. You are done among blacks once you have done a stint in jail.
OH MY GOD! Siditty are you preggers?????? Congrats! If I am wrong, please don't publish this comment lol
Yep. I have been given the opportunity to mess up a child with my warped thinking, and overpopulate the earth causing environmental devastation :)
"OH MY GOD! Siditty are you preggers?????? Congrats! If I am wrong, please don't publish this comment lol'
What?!!!!!That would be great. It will be nice seeing your new posts.
Ok, I feel slow today b/c I didn't pick up on this, but CONGRATULATIONS! I hope you have twins and one looks black and one looks white and you can be on the news b/c that is a miracle and whatnot! Ok, just kidding about that last part. No seriously, I hope you have an easy pregnancy and a healthy happy baby at the end of it.
Thanks you guys. It is suppossed to be a secret, but I got a big mouth. Roslyn figured it out on my twitter, as I talked about nausea and documentaries on home births LOL
I think there are 2 kinds of women that end of up with Bad Boys.
1. Women who grew who up in an abusive/dysfunctional environment and is going with what she knows
2. Dumb spoiled girls who had easy lives and are looking for excitement/drama.
I have great parents but my Mom's family is nutters so I have more than enough drama in my life. I have no use for liars, cheaters, abusive, manipulative, controlling, losers.
Congrats on the pregnancy! I'm sure you will be a great parent, you have the right foundation, a strong stable marriage. There was a huge baby boom in 2008, so many women I know had babies, unfortunately 9/10 were unmarried although one just became engaged.
I'd love to have a post on the pseudo "nice" guys that Yan described.
Well, let me add to the Congratulations salutations... :D
((((((((((Healthy Pregnancy Vibes))))))))
Thank you Yan, that is what I meant. Assertive...
Congratulations on the pregnancy! I hope it is as stress-free as possible. =)
I don't understand the attraction to bad boys either. A close relative of mine got involved with a bad boy about 16 years ago. Now, he's been in and out of jail, they have a 10-year-old son together that he doesn't take care of, and he has 4 other kids by 4 different women. What a prize.
PS. Did anyone else think it was so stupid for Solange's pregnant self to be in the "Soldier" video? That bugs me to this day.
Congrats Sid!!! You'll be a good mom
Hey Siditty, just dropped by to give the congratulations on your imminent entrance into parenthood! How far in are you? :)
Because women like the idea that they can change a bad boy into a good one through love.
I dunno, I have always had a strange attraction to geeks, nerds really smart people who look decent!!! so I never had this problem.
Congratulations Sid!
You're pregnant ? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
:-D YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congs Sid,
WOW!!!!!
How far in are you?
I'm so happy for you...you have no idea...i've been walking around thinking about babies...i love babies !!! ....You are going to have a baby...maybe BABIES ! YOU MIGHT GET TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aww you're going to be a mommy. congratulations to you and your husband, have a pleasant pregnancy and a healthy baby. :)
I am soooooo excited for you Sid! At the same time, I noticed you mentioned morning sickness and I feel so bad for you girl. That morning sickness will make you want to jump off a building. You know what helped with mine? Celestial Seasonings tea with roobois. I think it's the african blend. It's got Chai, Star Anise, Roobois and something else. The packaging is reddish. Girl, drinking that was a must.
OH MY GOD! Siditty are you preggers?????? Congrats! If I am wrong, please don't publish this comment lol
Yep. I have been given the opportunity to mess up a child with my warped thinking, and overpopulate the earth causing environmental devastation :)
OMG!!!! Congratulations Sid!!!! I'm so happy for you and the hub!!!! Wishing you a very healthy pregnancy and birth!!!!! So so so excited for you :) You'll be awesome parents.
Congratulations Sid,
I wish you a very healthy baby.
I guess it's the thrill of being on the edge. You never know what to expect. Women think it's sexy and exciting or "Forbidden". My first "Bad Boy" was funny, good-looking and he had an "edge" meaning he was always getting in fights or looking for fights. There was constant drama and in spite of him saying that he loved me, his actions proved otherwise and I couldn't trust him anymore. There was too much going on with him and I never knew from one day to the next if he was going to be calling me from jail or the hospital. I guess as you get older, you appreciate the nice guy and want to settle down into a drama-free life.
Thanks you guys for the congrats. I am only about 9 weeks in.
Suesue,
I will cry if I have twins. I can't afford one, much less two. Think of how much childcare would be!!!!
Your such an Aqiarius siditty. =) I too don't see the attraction to bad boys, give me the shy, mysterious, sexy nerd any day. I'm aqua also and '09 is supposed to be our year so expect good things to come your way this year!
As you can see I'm a bit of an astro nerd.
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I so hope you are right about this being the year for Aquarius. I am going to work even harder to make it my year.
As far as bad boys go. I had an attraction to those types of guys when I was nineteen and twenty, but I also liked clean cut ambitious guys with sweet personalities who were easy to get along with. The thuggish guys I dated were not mean to me, but I knew that I would not want to end up with one in the long run. I wanted too much and sometimes they (well the two I dated) did not see past the immediate future. I was always thinking long term. Even at nineteen and twenty years old.
At this point, I would really like a good guy, who is kind, respectful, smart, considerate, hard working,protective and very loving for my mate. It would not hurt if he looked like Gerard Butler.
I am hoping that you and the hubby will have a healthy baby who is as cute as a middy punanka. That is my term I use for describing cute babies and toddlers. Just think you will soon have a little toddler running around begging for applejuice and baby crackers and watching sesame street. Oooooooh, that is the cutest age.
I like the nice boys...who are bad boys in bed ;)
January 2, 2009 7:47 PM
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Honey, you have never ever lied. Wooooooo Hoooooo.
There's a difference between a bad boy and someone who displays criminal tendencies. The appeal of the bad boy has to do with them pushing boundaries and being confident. A bad boy might walk up to and tell you how attractive he finds you but will say something like "bring those pretty lips over here". It's sorta flattering but it's really patronizing. One always imagines that they'd be uninhibited sexually but often they are also indiscriminate. That's no fun! Now give me a man with a like swagger but whom I can have a conversation with and is trustworthy. Communication is the key. That's sexy: being reliable.
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