In my post on Tyra and racial stereotypes, I received a couple of comments on the show, not in regards to some of the negative stereotypes, but in regards to a black woman who vented her anger and frustration. I saw this on another blog that discussed the topic as well. The black woman in question was crying because she felt unloved and unwanted by ALL races of men. She felt that since she was a black woman, she was victim to stereotypes of black women being loud, obnoxious, uneducated, and on welfare. She also felt her dark skin made her feel undesirable as well. Now note, she was in a room with a bunch of different races of people, all of them discussing race relations and stereotypes. A couple of people in there, were saying some really negative things, and I think it took a toll on her.
People seem to be embarrassed she actually cried, and vented her frustration. I can relate to her frustration, growing up as a kid, I felt the same way many a time. Would I have cried about it? Probably not, because I was always raised to suck it up and get over it. I think black women are expected to internalize every single thing, contributing to the stereotype of "strong black woman". To cry is to show weakness, and a black woman it seems, cannot show their weakness and vulnerabilities, especially on national television. It also seems that black women are supposedly full of confidence and self love, and sometimes I wonder why we are automatically expected to all have this high self esteem? Especially when I think many black women can relate to her, and have all had those moments of weakness where we might have felt less than others, due to our own insecurities and how it appears society perceives black women. Of course in black women law, we aren't supposed to be insecure. We are supposed to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders, and even when we need therapy or help of any kind, and actually attempt to reach out for it, it is considered a sign of weakness.
I see white women on television crying about being frustrated about fitting into American beauty ideals and weight expectations quite often, and usually when they vent their frustration, it is treated with empathy and compassion. When a black women does the same thing, it is dismissed as embarrassing, and as Tyra proved, her anger and frustration is glossed over and treated as trivial, and due to her own fault, because she felt the black woman was just simply choosing the wrong men. It seems that black women are falling victim to our own stereotypes, and we are chastising those who choose to vent their anger and frustration publicly.
What is most poignant to me, is no one was embarrassed of the other black woman, who was quick to stereotype black men as thieves, then say that interracial relationships between white men and black women are wonderful, but black men dating white women was a sign of self hatred. I found her and her negative stereotypes of middle eastern people and black men more embarrassing, because I felt she should have known better as a black woman to go around grouping and lumping people so callously.
******While googling, I found this excellent article about this topic.******
47 comments:
I agree Siditty, like I said in your other post, the black woman that was stereotyping black men was much more embarrassing. I wasn't embarrassed by the other woman crying, I just felt extremely sad for her :(
Pressure is self applied. If you feel the need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, guess what's going to happen? There is no rule written somewhere that requires Black woman to do this, right?
The pressure isn't self applied, it is expected. We are supposed to make miracles. We are to support our children, our men, and put ourselves on the back burner, and if we don't, we are told we are selfish. We are told to suck it up and keep going. When we do vent frustration we are dismissed. If a woman of any race in this country had to deal with being a black woman, she would literally fall apart, but since we have always dealt with it, we are supposedly ok with everything that happens to us.
We live in a society in which if a black woman is beaten we are supposed to sit back and see what caused the beating to discern whether or not she deserved it. If she is raped, it is a lie, and even if it is the truth, somehow she is responsible for it. A black girl in this society gets molested by a black man, and somehow the grown black man isn't responsible, but the black girl is because she was fast.
We didn't put that entirely on ourselves
I didn't see the show but this is the second time I've heard about it. I guess you could say I guilty of pushing the strong black woman stereotype as I always like to appear strong and in control. I feel tremendous pressure to assert myself in all situations. Nothing wrong with asserting yourself, but there are times when it's better to let things go. I should not have to feel that I'm the one who should come out the strongest in every situation.
As for the bigoted black woman, she was more than wrong of course. Not every black man who dates out of his race is a self-hater just like not all black women who date out are self-lovers. Still, she's no worse than bm who make negative claims about bw.
Whatever the case, I believe that we could all benefit from high self-esteem and self-love.
I hate to admit this, but I hate this myth. It's as if to say we're not human...we're not suppose to be able to express our emotions or to feel anything; we're only suppose to carry everything on our shoulders, pray about it and move on.
Not I.
Great post Siditty. This reminds me of something I recently read in "Shifting, The Double Lives of Black Women in America" by Charisse Jones & Kumea Shorter-Gooden, Ph.D.
"Black women are told that they are tough, push, and in charge rather than soft, feminine and vulnerable. The image makes her someone to be feared rather than someone to be loved. These stereotypes render black women as caricatures instead of whole people with strengths and weaknesses, tender sides and tough edges. And ultimately they make black women invisible because they are not seen for all that they really are."
"African American women often find that they are not allowed to be vulnerable or needy, even among their own."
I didn't see the show(I try not to watch Tyra) but empathize with her frustrations and hell I might have cried too because sometimes you have to release it.
I wish people would stop assuming that we are strong all the time, we want someone to lean on too why is that so hard to understand.
You are so right. I am guilty because I, too, was embarassed by the woman crying.
It's not that I have never felt insecure. I just felt she let herself be vulnerable in a place that offered no support.
Tyra dismissing her was so painful. It is as if she was dismissing that insecure black girl deep inside her. The one she hides with light makeup and blonde weave.
The woman deserved to cry but she also deserved a safe place to do it.
The Tyra Banks show is not that place.
"The woman deserved to cry but she also deserved a safe place to do it.
The Tyra Banks show is not that place."
I was embarassed by both of the bw to be honest. I agree there's a time and place for things, people already think that bw have a problem w/ bm dating non-bw , so the one ignorant bw's comments I felt didn't hurt our image as much because people already have that perception anyway, thats not the first time that's happened. The comment about arabs I found offensive and I was more embarssed about that coming out of her mouth when she should have known better. But the crying bw, I guess you're right it was just embarssing I felt to show the world that bw felt that way. sure, we know some people think we're undesireable but why tell the whole world how much its hurts us when they treat us that way, it won't change anything. It just gives people more ammunition to use against us.
i also agree taula, that tyra did just shut her down probably because she is insecure too. By telling the crying bw she was picking the wrong men, she was also reassuring herself of that.
Was it really embarassing or are Black people just playing that "don't air our dirty laundry" game?
Siddity I am so glad you made this post. I agree with Beautifully.Conjured.Up in that I now hate this myth. there have been times when I wanted to be vulnerable, or be seen as feminine, but everyone always just says "be strong/tough." When they say this it makes me wonder, why won't you just let me feel this? I hurt too. I want chivalry, affection, respect, a shoulder to cry on, etc. too--just like many other women. Yes I put up a front many times, pretending to be fine or happy, when really I just want to cry. But I'm just supposed to be "strong", or in other words "keep my mouth shut." No good ever comes from bottling up your emotions. I've learned that the hard way.
"Yes I put up a front many times, pretending to be fine or happy, when really I just want to cry. But I'm just supposed to be "strong", or in other words "keep my mouth shut." No good ever comes from bottling up your emotions. I've learned that the hard way."
But, in this world no one really cares how black women feel. So what good would pouring your heart out on national television do? Outside of your mother & father (if hes in your life)and maybe some friends there is really not too many other people who are going to be sympathetic to your plight as both a woman and a bw in a white supremacist society. if you feel like you're bottling your feelings up, then keep a journal, that's what I do.
I wrote a paper in college on Depression and the Black Woman. The strong black woman issue came up in my research over and over again. That belief has become a detriment to black women in my opinion. It is okay to have strength, but we are not donkeys or mules and it is not our responsibility to take on the world. I think for along time we have been expected to because we always have. It has been passed down from generation to generation. We have seen our mothers, grandmothers aunts and cousins do this very thing.In one of the articles I read on Depression in black women, people actually thought we always had it together and nothing ever affected us. Like we are robots. When you internalize every problem that you have and those of other people without anyone you can confide in, it will lead to depression and mental breakdown. We constantly put ourselves out there, worrying about ourselves last or never. I think it's time to shed some tears and some baggage. And probably some of the people in our lives who constantly drain us with there constant taking of our energy and never giving anything in return.
SIMONE
The key thing is to understand this expectation of you and look out for the pitfalls.
Recently on my fist day of class, a middle aged Female Asian class mate called me strong. We had just met and she hardly knew enough about me to call me that. She thought she was being complimentary. She only picked up on the fact that I was single and she labeled me 'strong' immediately. I have had Asian men say the same thing. Seriously it takes away from you as a woman. It means thereafter you are not supposed to act contrary to what they define as strong.
I have learnt to pick up these vibes from people and establish distance, because after that they will attempt to exploit your "strength".
My sister in London just found herself punked by a white woman who was projecting a mammy role on her. African women being quite naive tend to fall for this trick and they find themsleves nurturing these needy white women with plantation mentalities. I gave her a quick 101 on the desexualization and SBW myth in America and boy is she pissed.
That is why social integration is a tricky thing. How do you associate with people of other races when they already have a role cut out for you?
"Tyra dismissing her was so painful. It is as if she was dismissing that insecure black girl deep inside her. The one she hides with light makeup and blonde weave. "
I didn't see Tyra as dismissing her. Though I agree that had it been a white woman she would have handled that differently.
In my own culture we have the same expectations of women. Crying in public is only allowed at funerals. And even then you can't over do it. But there are cultures were actual wailing in sorrow is an art form. Men and women are allowed to let it out. In my own we frown on that.
So there are some things that maybe deeply cutural. The problem comes when our own way of handling ourselves is used against us in a larger culture.
I had a white Boss who compared me to Oprah's character in the color purple, WTF!
Ok, I will admit it, I have actually beat up a few guys in the past but that doesn't mean I am not a woman or a human being and that shouldn't cry.
And not all black women are the same, I know of African cultures were the women are seen as very soft and weak and they play the part too.
I don't mind the SBW label as long as its not used by outsiders against me. But given the Black experience in this country. You can't do without that myth. And one needs real strength to survive out here. I have often come into situations were there are only two responses cry or fight. As a black woman if you choose to cry in this society, you are finished.
Fighting back or the threat to fight back is what will stop you from drowning. So fighting back is a survival mechanism and by doing it one appears "strong". But what is the alternative?
Black women need to establish little communities where they can share tehir concerns and show their weeknesses. I know where to go when I need to cry and where not to go.
So like someone said, Tyra's show was not the place for that woman to cry.
Great blog article...Thanks for posting it. Everyone who is everyone in America should read it...
I've always hated this stereotype of black women. Its so annoying and I believe this stereotype is ONE thing that holds us down. Society,including our own people, believe we are some kind of unemotional, uncaring, stubborn robots that are to be ran over. We hold in soooo much of our emotions which can be ONE cause of soooo many of our "roblems(eating disorders,promiscuity,"attitudes") and when one can't take it anymore it leads to depression or other mental problems that go undiagnosed, of course, because we're taught to suck it up and go to church.
To the commenter who did a paper in college on "Depression and Black Women", Thank You, because it seems like this "strong black woman" stereotype prevents researchers,psychologists,gov. officials, whoever, from learning and investigating our issues and how we suffer sometimes like all women,like everybody in the world. I recently read an article about the increase of bulimic black female teens and I wasn't really shocked(because in high school I heard of this happening w/black girls),but I was happy that someone actually researched this issue and I learned, and hope many other people learn, that black girls do have body and self-esteem/image issues like other girls.
In summary, the strong black woman myth should be abolished, so black women can feel comfortable talking about our issues and confronting our problems and getting help when needed.
Anon 10:45 PM
I meant more along the lines of what Simone said. Not everyone has a group they can confide in about things like this. In my experience, those people who are close to me just tell me to be strong/"let it go" without actually listening. I guess for me, my family isn't very open about our emotions. Also, I live in a predominantly white area, and so my friends are all white and don't really understand what I go through internally as a black female. I've been trying to uphold this idea of the Strong Black Woman because that's what even the people who are closest to me expect from me, regardless of whether that's who I am or not. People expect either that representation, or something more along the lines of what you'd see on the Maury show. But at times, things really bother me, but I have no one to really talk to about it because I'm supposed to be a tough girl who doesn't get caught up in things. I also keep things inside sometimes for the same reasons as Anon said: "It just gives people more ammunition to use against us."
Being more open is something I'm working on right now, including journaling (but it's a different experience to feel that you can confide in a person) and also trying to share more with people that I want to have a more open relationship with.
What I'm basically trying to say is that the idea of a SBW can have negative aspects in that it's like trying to be superwoman/perfect. People are flawed, and need to be allowed to show emotions sometimes and let down their "tough front". Yes, the Tyra show isn't the best place because she tends to give superficial answers to deep issues anyway, but a broader sense of the issues concerning BW is something that I would love to see brought up more in the media. At least to show that BW are more than just the sassy SBW or hyper-sexual video girl as seen on TV. Black woman can be a multitude of things and have a multitude of personality types/emotions/etc.
That is why social integration is a tricky thing. How do you associate with people of other races when they already have a role cut out for you?
==============================
You are so on point with that Grata. I mean I live here in the Midwest and I think there are only a small amount of white people here that I interact with who dont have any preconcieved notions about me. We interact like there is no color barrier between us, although we know what color we are. We just simply interact and nothing is forced. We are comfortable with each other, even if we talk about hot button issues like race and politics. Most white people here in Missouri are not like this. At least to me. They come off as very suspicious, I guess black people do the same to them. I like interacting with people and getting to know them, most of the time. I also see alot of black women here playing that mammy role and take pride in it without even realizing they are playing a role. I feel embarrassed by it. I don't like it at all. I am just happy to know that there are some white folks out there who understand and don't try and put me in some box.
SIMONE
Grata sd;
"Ok, I will admit it, I have actually beat up a few guys in the past..."
Hehe. Why doesnt that suprise me?!?!
;)
Siddity,
Of all the ANTI-BW LIES, MYTHS, and STEREOTYPES this is one of the MOST DAMAGING one that needs to be DESTROYED. It has been/is a MAJOR INJUSTICE to BW to expect them to be everyone's physical and emotional slaves, endure countless acts of ANTI-BW HATE in American society and then expect them NOT to be sad/hurt about their mistreatment. Everyone must be taught to see BW as HUMAN BEINGS(like women of ANY race) with REAL EMOTIONS that deserve to be acknowledged and given proper empathy.
"I also see alot of black women here playing that mammy role and take pride in it without even realizing they are playing a role. I feel embarrassed by it. I don't like it at all."
This is truly sickening. Black women need to be extremely aware of being tricked into playing the mammy role. And I agree there are many who take it on willingly. I was mammified by a white woman for a long time until I realized what was going on. I dropped her like a hot potato when I came to my senses. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of her.
"I was mammified by a white woman for a long time until I realized what was going on. "
You know grata, she probably didnt' even realize she was putting you in the mammy role, for some wp its comes so naturally they may not realize when they're doing it.
Can you guys elaborate on how you were placed in the "mammy role?" Is it that white women expect you to be a shoulder to lean on, presume you don't attract men, etc?
"That is why social integration is a tricky thing. How do you associate with people of other races when they already have a role cut out for you?"
Grata,
I don't think you have to necessarily distance yourself, but you do have to set boundaries early on.
Never enter into a friendship that does not fulfill you first and foremost.
It's hard sometimes because if someone is hurting and needs someone to listen to, it just appeals to a nurturing side. That to me is a feminine trait but it can also open you up to being placed in a mammy role.
I figure you're not really at fault because you were just being a friend whereas this person taking advantage of you. At least now you know the signs.
That woman broke my heart when I saw that. She was very beautiful and it sucks that black women are seen that way.
"Can you guys elaborate on how you were placed in the "mammy role?"
Being placed in the mammy role is basically when someone sees you as less than them and is only your friend when they need something. Your job as a mammy is basically to be there for them and take care of them and never worry about yourself. A real friendship will entail both parties giving and taking. If you let a friend cry on your shoulder, then when you need a shoulder to cry on, they'll be there for you. A Mammy friendship is simply, you're just the shoulder they cry on and when you need a shoulder to cry on, you simply need to suck it up, that's the difference between mammy and genuine friendship. A common scenario, your thin, fit friend comes to you crying because she thinks she's fat and ofcourse its your job to assure her she's not (even tho deep inside she knows she's not either) then at the club all of a sudden, the insecure little girl dissapears and she's out dancing to her hearts content and you are left holding her purse in the corner by yourself and no one cares. That's a mammy bestfriend to the ww. It's quite common, you see it in movies all the time. I've fallen victim a few times myself and had to check a couple people.
Can you guys elaborate on how you were placed in the "mammy role?" Is it that white women expect you to be a shoulder to lean on, presume you don't attract men, etc?
Definitely the case. Some white women seem to suffer from "Scarlet O'Hara" syndrome. Black women are nothing but assistants and helpers to them, and a shoulder to cry on. We are all BFFs when there is no sense of competition, but as soon as it is seen that you might be an equal professionally, attractive wise, or any other way, the claws come out and the attitude changes.
My husband's best friend's wife is a perfect example of this. She always wants me to relate to her life of living in the trailer park, I never lived in poverty or a low income area. She also doesn't see me as a threat beauty wise. Ironically another friend's wife is the devil, because she is in this woman's mind a "spoiled" rich girl. Now this girl came from a middle class neighborhood and lived right down the street, financially wise, my family came from more money, but yet Ms. Trailer can relate to me about poverty. She also feels that this girl is a threat to her marriage, the poor girl like me has known her husband for several years, and we have both at one time lived with him in a room mate capacity (he was a chronic couch surfer in his post college years :) ) and they were pretty close when him and her now husband worked at the same company.
Now Ms. Trailer thinks that she is out to get her husband and that her husband might want to be with her, when they never ever had that type of relationship. She like me met him through her then live in boyfriend. Except this girl is white, so naturally her husband would want her way more than he could ever want me, as if he was looking at either one of us. Note she also told his brother, who we have also known for years, that he needs to quit dating hispanic and black chicks if he ever expects to date a "quality woman". Note the best friend and his brother are both hispanic. Her husband is very dark skinned as well, he is maybe a shade lighter than me, so I don't quite understand her need to try to tell his brother who he should and should not date. She is from the trailer and on her 3rd marriage, how high quality is she?
Now this girl for all intensive purposes is just like me, in matter of fact we are now both pregnant, and we are bonding over the fact we are doing natural childbirth, and now this heffa is trying to get pregnant via a fertility doctor at age 37 so she can be pregnant with us. Note she already has a child and had difficulty getting that child (6 miscarriages prior to this child), and that child is a product of a fertility specialist. Insecurity all around.
sure, we know some people think we're undesireable but why tell the whole world how much its hurts us when they treat us that way, it won't change anything. It just gives people more ammunition to use against us.
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Anon, I just don't understand this line of thinking.
Why shouldn't the whole world know that black women ARE INDEED HUMAN????!! Why? I don't know about you, but I'm not made out steel and bolts.
I'm puzzled as to why a natural vulnerability would "give people more ammunition to use against us." Your statement indicates to me that YOU use and twist other people's vulnerabilities for your own malicious agenda. If that is indeed the case, then isn't the problem YOU?
But, in this world no one really cares how black women feel. So what good would pouring your heart out on national television do? Outside of your mother & father (if hes in your life)and maybe some friends there is really not too many other people who are going to be sympathetic to your plight as both a woman and a bw in a white supremacist society. if you feel like you're bottling your feelings up, then keep a journal, that's what I do.
______________________________
Maybe no one cares because we pretend like we're so strong all the time. So if we look like we have it all toether then why should anoyone come to our rescue?
I'm puzzled as to why a natural vulnerability would "give people more ammunition to use against us." Your statement indicates to me that YOU use and twist other people's vulnerabilities for your own malicious agenda. If that is indeed the case, then isn't the problem YOU?
response: um...no, i don't have a malicious agenda,do you? I'm simply giving it real. Most people don't really care about bp period, let alone bw. do you really think lying down and crying and whining is going to make them care? No, its not.
Thanks for your responses on the mammy scenario. I've never really found myself in that position because I don't have white female friends, although I am aware that most white women in my age range probably wouldn't consider me competition-at least until a white man looks my way, lol. Then the claws may come out.
"sure, we know some people think we're undesireable but why tell the whole world how much its hurts us when they treat us that way, it won't change anything. It just gives people more ammunition to use against us."
________________________________
"Anon, I just don't understand this line of thinking.
Why shouldn't the whole world know that black women ARE INDEED HUMAN????!! Why? I don't know about you, but I'm not made out steel and bolts.
I'm puzzled as to why a natural vulnerability would "give people more ammunition to use against us." Your statement indicates to me that YOU use and twist other people's vulnerabilities for your own malicious agenda. If that is indeed the case, then isn't the problem YOU?"
____________________________________
I actually understand what the first anonymous is saying. Broadcasting to the world that she feels undesirable casts her and other Black women in a negative light. Men will absolutely try to exploit that. For example, some Black men think they can get away with treating a Black woman like dirt because "She doesn't have any other options, no one else wants her." Some White men may think they are doing Black women a favor by dating them, so they will come with some miserable, broke down game, lol.
You can't always "show your hand." This woman is telling the whole world that as a Black woman she feels she is last pick, bottom of the barrel. That is a horrible, pathetic position to cast yourself in. The worst part is, she actually believes it.
I actually understand what the first anonymous is saying. Broadcasting to the world that she feels undesirable casts her and other Black women in a negative light. Men will absolutely try to exploit that. For example, some Black men think they can get away with treating a Black woman like dirt because "She doesn't have any other options, no one else wants her." Some White men may think they are doing Black women a favor by dating them, so they will come with some miserable, broke down game, lol.
___________________________________
Actually, I think you have it backwards. It's the SBW that are pumped-up on faux confidence who seem to be exploited by men the most, because they pretend they are so invincible. You need to look around. They're the ones with the out-of-wedlock children, catering to all their men's needs, putting themselves last, and becoming punching bags for abusive men.
There is real strength in admitting your vulnerabilities. I view the women you praise as weak. I applaud any black woman who lives their lives with a degree of authenticity. People who are shaky on the outside, tend to be very strong on the inside. Indestructible SBW have weak insides. I'm actually embarrassed for them.
"I don't think you have to necessarily distance yourself, but you do have to set boundaries early on."
Its a tricky balance. These particular types of women think they are entitled to your space. The few times I have drawn boundaries I have gotten very bad reactions. So I tend to avoid them altogether. By virtue of my race I am not seen as an equal, even if we are workmates, they still have a plantation mentality.
that is why the White feminist cause can never succeed with Black women. How can we fight for women's rights together when you yourself don't see me as an equal ? Though I must admit I love watching the white feminists go about their business. Its quite entertaining to see them act the part of victim.
"response: um...no, i don't have a malicious agenda,do you? I'm simply giving it real. Most people don't really care about bp period, let alone bw. do you really think lying down and crying and whining is going to make them care? No, its not."
I agree, did any of you see that video were these black kids were sleeping in a car and cops were called on them while some white kids vandalizing a car didn't elicit as much attention?
No one out there cares. As soon as we realize this the better. Look for emotional support among those you trust.
Its jungle law out here. Showing signs of weakness invites even more attack.
We have to learn to see our selves the way society sees us, and its not pretty. Then with that, know who you really are and strike a balance. Showing vulnerability in this society is blood in shark infested waters. Even if someone comes to your rescue, it will be for their own benefit not yours.
Anonymous 9:35 pm said:
"Actually, I think you have it backwards. It's the SBW that are pumped-up on faux confidence who seem to be exploited by men the most, because they pretend they are so invincible. You need to look around. They're the ones with the out-of-wedlock children, catering to all their men's needs, putting themselves last, and becoming punching bags for abusive men.
There is real strength in admitting your vulnerabilities. I view the women you praise as weak. I applaud any black woman who lives their lives with a degree of authenticity. People who are shaky on the outside, tend to be very strong on the inside. Indestructible SBW have weak insides. I'm actually embarrassed for them."
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I think we are talking about two different things here. There is a time and a place to show your vulnerabilities, and a time and place to keep a stiff upper lip. Displaying your vulnerabilities in front of the wrong people sets you up for further victimization. I sympathize with this woman, I just don't think national tv was the place for her to say what she said. There are people in the midst who would LOVE to capitalize off of Black women's pain. Tyra Banks show is not a safe space for her to be venting all of that, especially in front of the white men and black men she claims don't want her.
Having a low self image is not something to display to the world at large. Also, when Black women are portrayed in a negative light, it affects ALL black women, not just SBWs. Saying "No one wants me" lowers your stock value. Even if that's how you feel, you have to keep your "poker face" on. She gave all her power away.
I don't agree that shaky people tend to be strong on the inside, they are just displaying their weaknesses.
Interesting post.
Having a low self image is not something to display to the world at large. Also, when Black women are portrayed in a negative light, it affects ALL black women, not just SBWs. Saying "No one wants me" lowers your stock value. Even if that's how you feel, you have to keep your "poker face" on. She gave all her power away.
I don't agree that shaky people tend to be strong on the inside, they are just displaying their weaknesses.
__________________________________
So, let me get this straight...
You believe that wearing a false mask of "strength" makes one strong instead of weak?
You believe a self-revealing individual has low self worth because they are honest about their lives and can admit imperfection or a reality they face in life?
You believe you create more "value" by pretending you are something you're not, rather than acknowledging where you are now?
You believe power is a falsity manufactured rather than something that is a part of your beingness?
So you would rather spend your days on this earth perpetuating this facade of strength so others (white people) won't see you in a "negative light"?
Grata said:
"Its a tricky balance. These particular types of women think they are entitled to your space. The few times I have drawn boundaries I have gotten very bad reactions. So I tend to avoid them altogether. By virtue of my race I am not seen as an equal, even if we are workmates, they still have a plantation mentality.
that is why the White feminist cause can never succeed with Black women. How can we fight for women's rights together when you yourself don't see me as an equal ? Though I must admit I love watching the white feminists go about their business. Its quite entertaining to see them act the part of victim."
Ys! I agree 100% I was watching CNN one day and was watching white feminst bicker about their injustices. THhy were talking about victimization of rape. They were saying that when they get raped it's viewed as "bad sex". Instead of them receiving justice on a man raping them lol. I'm cracking up and said to myself, I bet your ass would get justice if he is black man lmao. It's just entertaining hearing them talk because they don't no shit. They would fall apart if they ever stepped foot in black woman's shoes.
I also want to ask people about the SBW stereotype. Do you guys think the film "Secrete Life of Bees" plays up on the mammy role that black women are set in?
And I should add, the reason this post hits home for me, is that I realize this is the fundamental difference between myself and most black women, and why I've felt at odds to this SBW-at-all-cost philosphy. I often put myself out there and yeah, I'm very self-revealing. And yes I have been hurt by malicious others who use opportunities to cut black women like myself down. But I would never dream of spending my life like a brick pretending I had no feelings and moving through life like a tank. I guess I feel sorry for women, WOMEN who feel they have to project an image that isn't them to protect themselves. Now, I do understand the need to be protected. Especially as a black woman. But I don't think this is the way to do it.
Anonymous said:
"So, let me get this straight...
You believe that wearing a false mask of "strength" makes one strong instead of weak?
You believe a self-revealing individual has low self worth because they are honest about their lives and can admit imperfection or a reality they face in life?
You believe you create more "value" by pretending you are something you're not, rather than acknowledging where you are now?
You believe power is a falsity manufactured rather than something that is a part of your beingness?
So you would rather spend your days on this earth perpetuating this facade of strength so others (white people) won't see you in a "negative light"?"
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Where did I say any of this? You are putting words into my mouth. I think you are projecting issues onto this conversation that haven't even been raised.
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Anonymous said:
"I often put myself out there and yeah, I'm very self-revealing. And yes I have been hurt by malicious others who use opportunities to cut black women like myself down. But I would never dream of spending my life like a brick pretending I had no feelings and moving through life like a tank. I guess I feel sorry for women, WOMEN who feel they have to project an image that isn't them to protect themselves."
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This proves what I said earlier about you projecting. I've stated my views and I stick by them. I will not defend viewpoints that I don't actually hold.
Actually, I think you have it backwards. It's the SBW that are pumped-up on faux confidence who seem to be exploited by men the most, because they pretend they are so invincible. You need to look around. They're the ones with the out-of-wedlock children, catering to all their men's needs, putting themselves last, and becoming punching bags for abusive men.
There is real strength in admitting your vulnerabilities. I view the women you praise as weak. I applaud any black woman who lives their lives with a degree of authenticity. People who are shaky on the outside, tend to be very strong on the inside. Indestructible SBW have weak insides. I'm actually embarrassed for them.
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You need to write a book or send this message to Essence magazine.
Ladies I am so glad we are having this dialogue, clearly this is truly something alot of black women have a problem with.
SIMONE
SIMONE
I agree with anonymous about feeling sorry for black women that have projected an image of strength that is not really there. This has hurt BW more than anything we don't need to be strong all the time and some of us need to say when we need help and support from others and stop this independent strong black women hype that we love to pump up. The men that claim that they “love” independent BW are usually the ones out to gain from these types of women. He probably wants to either use her emotionally, sexually or her income to support him while providing nothing in return. Sure we don’t need to be crying all day long on TV but I’m not going to feel embarrassed if someone sees a black women expressing how she feels by crying. Black women are not robots; we are women just like every other woman on this planet black woman can have emotions also.
"I agree with anonymous about feeling sorry for black women that have projected an image of strength that is not really there.'
I think you guys have got it all twisted. No one is saying that BW need to show the kind of strength you are describing. No one is that strong and no one has ever been . If there is such a person, they are a psychopath.
Thing is, this environment is very hostile to BW. We can all agree on that. Not revealing your emotions is not an attempt to look strong but a way to actually remove the opportunity for further attack. How many people out there are sympathetic to the BW other than BW? Only a handful. When a BW is publically victimized, how many come to her rescue.
Will it help if she bursts out crying? The case of this woman shows that she will be ridiculed further. So what is the point of revealing your emotions? If it makes you feel better as an individual, then go ahead and feel better but its not going to get any help your way.
That is why I suggested that black women need their own little communities where they are safe to be vulnerable.
I agree, the pressure is def. there on black women. It's as if the world says, "don't be human-you aren't allowed". Crying is natural and helpful. So is every other emotion. Don't stunt your own emotional growth or deny your own spiritual needs. Accept that you have feelings, they they are good and those who assume you shouldn't express them can go and kick rocks.
I say scream, shout, cry, eat ice cream, go for a run, go back to school, commit to learning a new language-do whatever it is you have to do in order to let it all go.
No one else has to LIKE that you are a human being or that you have feelings like all human beings do.
You have to do what you have to do for you. Forget everything and everyone else. Be free.
http://www.petitiononline.com/vulnerab/petition.html
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