2009-07-28

Dealing With Family



Often times, it used to irk me when an older white man would approach me in my single days, wanting to relive the relationship with the black woman he missed out on in his younger days for fear of his family and how they would react.

I also get emails in which black women will ask for my advice about dating a white guy whose family objects to the relationship, threatening to disown the man or harm the woman in question in the relationship.

My response to this in the past and remains to be, too bad, so sad, but if you were too chicken or too scared of your family, then maybe you aren't ready for a serious relationship, maybe you should stick to one night stands. Risk is something people regardless of race have to deal with in a relationship. You risk a lot to stick with one person the rest of your life. That is part of being in a relationship.

I had a former co-worker who had a similar situation. She dated her boyfriend for literally a decade and had never met his father, and her boyfriend had never told his own father that his girlfriend was black. He was scared how he would react since he had sympathies with the KKK. Get the hell over it. If your daddy in a whole different state has that much power over you, and you are in your 40s, you have other issues and need to avoid dating anyone until your issues are resolved. This man was had been with a woman, moved the woman and her children into his home, but she was still a dirty little secret. I'm not good at keeping secrets, daddy would have known about me. If you have a job, a house, and can pay your own bills, why are you worried about getting written out of the will? If you are a productive member of society and don't live off of them, why the hell does it concern anyone who you date?

One unique challenge to an interracial relationship is that there is a chance your family might not be happy. Often times folks assume that it is the white folks who will get the hassles from their family, this isn't always the case, but it really doesn't matter. If you are prepared to be in a relationship with someone, then you are willing to take the risk your family might not like it, and it does no good for you to keep a "dirty little secret". It also does no good for an old man to recapture his youth by trying to find him a young black woman to replace her, because that black woman you missed out on has aged just like you, and maybe she is still single and you should go for her and leave the young women alone, unless they like divorced men their father's age and like the concept of having step children the same age as them.

8 comments:

laromana said...

I have always found it OFFENSIVE to see older WM who rejected BW in their youth due either to ANTI-BW COWARDICE or ANTI-BW RACISM, pursuing younger BW now.

I don't think that these older WM who consistently insulted/disrespected the beauty/femininity of BW by choosing NOT to view them as "good enough" to date and/or marry deserve to be rewarded with a relationship with ANY BW.

graphixie said...

"unless they like divorced men their father's age and like the concept of having step children the same age as them."

hahaha, and what young lady wouldn't love that?

I agree, unless you have some reason to believe that being in an IR could cause your family to act violently, I would hope that you'd be brave enough to just tell them that you're in an IR and just deal with their reaction.

Zek J Evets said...

well said, siditty. we've all got crazy families, and even in racially homogeneous relationships, people will find insignificant things to object to. it's strange and sad.

A.Smith said...

I think that in any relationship if one person has an issue with introducing you to their family and friends, you need to bounce. "My dad might hate you and hurt your feelings" could be the reality, but I'm a big girl, I can make my own decisions. If I don't want to meet them, that's one thing but not giving me the choice is another.

A woman got killed because her husband tried to keep her a secret
http://bit.ly/iMNPm

I don't think "your family might not be happy" is unique to interracial relationships. That chance is there in all relationships, it's just a more obvious chance in IRs, and people use that as an excuse to keep their significant others hidden. It's a lame reason. I also think it's a good sign for other issues.

Anyone I date needs to be someone who will "take up" for me. So meeting you racist ass father should be fine because you'll get me out of any dangerous situation, right? If you won't or can't because he's still got some hold on you, then we don't need to be dating.

Anonymous said...

First off I don't want to date anyone who is going to try and keep me a secret because their family objects or wants me hurt, because if they were to come after me. I have family as well and some of them are crazy. It's just better not to get involved in my opinion. There will be some families that will not like it, but they will deal if they love their son. I have always been afraid that down the line my significant other would resent me if his family gave him the cold shoulder because of me. Especially when you come to those times in a relationship when things are not that great.

As far as the old white ass men. I am 36 and my age limit for a guy is 43. I guess the older white men feel they need to wait until their daddies are six feet under to get the courage to date a black woman. I say to those white men. Stay the hell away. To the young ones who want to keep sistahs on the DL. Stick to your own kind. No one wants to feel they aren't good enough to be seen as your woman.


SIMONE

Anonymous said...

As far as the old white ass men. I am 36 and my age limit for a guy is 43. I guess the older white men feel they need to wait until their daddies are six feet under to get the courage to date a black woman. I say to those white men. Stay the hell away. To the young ones who want to keep sistahs on the DL. Stick to your own kind. No one wants to feel they aren't good enough to be seen as your woman.
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Simone: I agree with this statement 100%. I'm 43 years old. I generally attract two types of guys. The married guys who want to fool around and the guys so young, I could be their mothers...LOL!! A couple of years ago, I use to work at a casino and my boss at the time (a seriously FINE italian man who was married, had kids and a couple of years older than me) was very into me. My co-worker immediately picked up on the attraction and she told me: "Chris (my boss) has always wanted to be with a black woman." Flash forward to a few months later at the annual office Christmas party and he and I had a conversation. He admitted his attraction and I told him: "You probably think I should be honored that you want to get with me. That I should be complimented by your interest. Well let me tell you something. I'm not complimented. You are a typical white guy. A ball less pussy. And do you want to know why you are?? Because you didn't have the cajones to go after what you really wanted and you did the acceptable thing, you took the easy way out which is to date and then marry the acceptable white woman. And now that you are married and unhappy you want your black fantasy on the side. Well guess what? That's not going to happen. You want me, get a divorce and then we will talk. I'm a woman you date. I'm a woman you take out to dinner and introduce to your family. I'm not going to be your little secret. And the sad part about all of this, is that you will find that black woman who is willing to be kept on the side and fufill every fantasy you've ever had. But as for me...I am not that chick."

Needless to say he was shocked at my bluntness but he respected me. I wasn't rude about it (he and I are still friends to this day) but I think he finally understood something that until that point had eluded him.

Stay away from any man (black, white, whatever) that doesn't introduce you to his friends/family/business associates. He is to be avoided by any means necessary. It shows he's not serious and a coward to boot. Life is too short to waste on some guy who doesn't have the balls to stand up to adversity.

I understand it is hard to stand up to your family at any age because of the perceived reprecussions of doing something or loving someone that is in direct conflict with your families "values", but part of life is sometimes you have to take an unpopular stand and deal with the fallout....good or bad.

Jasmin said...

Great post Siditty!

In my experience this can happen with some younger White guys too. I go to a predominantly White university that is full of rich kids, many of whom are terrified to lose Daddy's trust fund by bringing home a Black girl.

Last Fall I had a class with this kid who had the biggest crush on me, but he told me that I was like the second Black person he had ever known in life and basically insinuated that his parents wouldn't support an IRR. I spent the rest of the year laughing in his face because he would always ask me to hang out or come to his parties or "study" together, and we were cool, but I would always gently brush him off. Did I mention that he had a (White) girlfriend at the time that he treated like a "dirty little secret?" It was like pulling teeth to get him to admit that he had one, and then he never wanted to hang out with her, yet was always finding an excuse to hang out with me. Personally, I found it amusing.

Anonymous right above me: you go girl! Can I have permission to borrow your tongue-lashing should I ever need it? :-)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous right above me: you go girl! Can I have permission to borrow your tongue-lashing should I ever need it? :-)

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Jasmin: Of course you can!! It helps if you have some alcohol in your system before you go off...LOL!! I wish I had taken a picture of him the EXACT moment I called him a ball less pussy because that was a Kodak moment to say the least.