At times, I get emails from people asking me for advice. Sometimes even though these people ask for advice, I think they already know what they want to do and want some affirmation for what they are doing. I don't always agree with what is said, but I really want to share this story so that I can get some feedback from others. I will list the facts and you can tell me how would you respond to the situation.
A college educated black woman is married to a college educated black men she loves. They are in their mid 20s, no children.
Her ex boyfriend (white guy) has been contacting her via email and she has been writing back. They dated on and off in middle and high school.
They broke up because his family opposed the relationship due to race, and he cheated on her with another woman, who he is now married to.
They (woman and ex) haven't seen each other since they were 16 years old.
The woman has discussed the issue with her husband, and has asked if she can meet the ex, the husband has said no. She has been truthful about her feelings for her ex with him.
The ex does want to meet up, but only when his family is away.
She feels her marriage is more of a friendship than relationship. I am not sure why. She is contemplating divorce and would prefer to be friends instead of husband and wife.
Her question is should she keep her ex in her life and should she be with her husband? I've given her an answer. I want you give her one. I will discuss my answer later.
I mention race, because race was mentioned in the email, but personally I feel race is irrelevant in this matter.
I also want to note I asked the person who sent the email if I could post this so that she could see what others are thinking.
28 comments:
I think she should leave the ex alone. The whole thing sound supicious b/c he only wants to see her when his family is away, which leads me to think he is looking for something other than seeing an old friend. Besides, he couldn't man up in the first place to his family about wanting to be with her, he was a childhood sweetheart but may not be suitable for adulthood relationship, if that is what he is sniffing around for, and definitely if he is just looking for an affair or easy sex. Regardless of how she feels about her husband, she is still married to him so it is not a good idea to put herself in this situation. On the other hand, it sounds like the husband has trust issues if he doesn't want her to see the ex, which may be a reason why she is thinking about divorce. Even if she does leave her hubby, why set herself up for a possible affair and bad situation? If they were both still single and if he wasn't trying to hide her from the family that would be one thing, but this whole thing kind of smells off.
That's my two cents.
Lisa J
I will also add in regards to the husband, the husband knows of her feelings about the ex, which would probably explain his reluctance for his wife to meet this guy.
she is a married woman who wants to spend time with a known cheater that is also her ex and wants to meet her behind his wife's back
Is she out of her mind? If she is unhappy with her own marriage she needs to work on that instead of running into the arms of another married man.
First and foremost I think she is not telling you the whole story. There seems to be a missing element somewhere. This ex still has a way of contacting her after all these years? How does her ex have so much sway over her now? She told her husband she still has "feelings" towards this man, of coarse he would tell her no in her attempt to reunite with this man. Delusional comes to mind when I read this. Does she know what her ex's intentions are? It seems like he has no intention of divorcing but once their tryst ends she will be a divorced woman while her ex is still happily married to his wife. The whole black/white thing is irrelevant in this equation although because she did mention it, it may be of importance to her. The boy that she knew as a teenager is not the same as the man that he is now. People tend to have illusions of gradeur, hyping and creating excitment for what could be when the reality of the fact is much more cynical. She needs to realize her doubts in her current marriage only arose when her ex contacted her. I think it dangerous and selfish of her speaking truthfully.
It sounds to me like she wants a reason to divorce her husband and also sounds like she thinks a meeting with the ex will bring something to her that she's missing in her current relationship.
If she wants a divorce, she needs to do that independent of anything other than how she and her current husband feels.
If she wants a relationship with the ex she needs to do that after things have been decidedly handled with her and her husband and if she ultimately chooses to stay in her marriage, she needs to respect her husbands wishes (or at least attempt to address his concerns).
Further, the fact that the ex only wants to see her when the family is gone reeks of problems. If they have feelings for each other and truly want to pursue a relationship then they need to take care of their current situations first.
That's the impartial view.
Ultimately, I don't feel good about any of this and I think she needs to wait and assess this situation in a few months. Has she reallyt ried to make it work with her current husband? Is she sure the ex is who she thinks he is? People change from high school to adulthood and marriage and parenthood.
I feel bad for her husband, actually.
She's unhappy in her marriage and is seeing this ex-boyfriend as a lifeline. That's bullshit. He's a pig, and presumably that's why he's an ex. Drop that and focus on your marriage. If it's irredeemable, then move on, but don't backtrack to a philandering coward.
Cosign on what thelady said!
This ex sounds super shady, especially with the whole "let's get together in secret" thing and the fact that he's married too. I don't blame her husband for being against them meeting up, since she admitted she's into him. If she doesn't want to be married to the husband anymore, so be it, but if she thinks she can leave her husband and this other dude is going to leave his wife for her that's the stupidest (and oldest) cliche in the book.
I agree Siditty that people often ask for validation under the guise of asking for "advice." I think she wants someone to reassure her that the ex is truly into her and is "worth" leaving her marriage, hence why she talked about being more friends with her husband. People who are thinking about cheating tend to throw out some kind of excuse to make it seem like the cheating (or potential cheating) isn't completely their fault, but rather a "side effect" of something else.
Regardless of whether the husband knew of her feelings or not, I don't think him not wanting to meet up with her high school sweetheart from years ago means he has trust issues, and even if he does have them, it appears they are well-grounded concerns.
She is already having an emotional affair from the sounds of it. An emotional affair that she is using to avoid working on her marriage. If she feels her marriage is lacking in romantic love then she should leave it based on that instead of acting like a little monkey who's too afraid to let go of one branch until it's got hold of the next one. Surely her husband deserves better than that.
Also, this guy is a known cheater, who is also engaging in an emotional affair, and possibly hoping for a physical one, with her. In the past he was unwilling/unable to stand up to his family when they did not approve of her. Will he suddenly find some backbone when she's not just some black chick, but the black chick homewrecker who busted up his marriage? THAT won't make his family hostile. I doubt it.
Yeah, she def needs to leave "ex" alone. That is/was the past and needs to stay there. Re-living the past is never good for your future in terms of relationships. Really, she knows this man is not reaching out to her to reminisce the school dayz, it's all about him.
As for her relationship with her husband, she really needs to do some soul searching in that respect. You don't marry your friends... that's all I got to say on that front.
Well, maybe I am wrong about phrasing it as he has trust issues and should say, he doesn't seem to trust her. Maybe he is right not to trust her, but even though they are married to each other, is it really his right to tell his spouse who she can and cannot see regardless of the backstory? I'd say the same if the situation was reversed. I'm not married but I've never understood how some partnerships can be unequal and the fact that she asked him for permission tells me the power dynamics seem off, though maybe she was just trying to seem courteous. I would think that if he did trust her he would think that, regardless of whatever feelings she might have for the ex, she is his wife and will respect her vows while they are together and she can associate with whom she chooses. Trust should be the foundation of the relationship and since he seemingly doesn't expect her to behave (no matter what her feelings) maybe he also needs to examine whether or not they are right for each other. Now if it was the case that he said he would prefer she not see the ex that is different from flat out saying "no you can't see him" in which case the trust issue isn't so germane but insecurity, however well founded, is part of the equation.
I've always thought it was wrong for one spouse to deny another spouse agency in terms of what they can do and who they can see (unless it involves saftey, large financial impact on their family or something along those lines) and it seems to lay seeds for resentment, if it didn't already exist, and lays the foundation for many a divorce.
THen again, like I said, I'm not married and have never been in a really long term relationship so, what do I know?
I don't think the husband has trust issues, I think he's just trying to make sure she takes full responsibility for her actions. If he says he's OK with her going, and then she cheats or something, she make backtrack and say "Well, you said it was OK." Illogical I know, but people will rationalize in the most obscure ways. By saying he's not OK with it, he's letting her know that she will be deliberately going against his wishes by seeing her ex, and she won't be able to talk her way out of it.
I competely agree with A.Smith.
Deal with the husband issue first. Don't be swayed by some high school romance back when. Give the relationship with your husband a serious fighting chance. Then if she decides it really is a friendship, end it with the husband as peacefully as possible, but not in the hopes that a divorce will rekindle anything with this ex.
She should do her best to not rely on the ex to fulfill whatever her current marriage is missing-especially if your ex is a cheater. It sounds like he wants to do the same thing to her now (cheat on his wife with her) as he did when he used to date her (cheat on her with his current wife).
Viscous cycle.
Oh and as far as the ex finding her contact info, thanks to Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and technology in general - one could learn more than they would EVER want to know about ANYONE...and their friends.
I don't see why this woman would need her ex for a divorce. If she is unhappy then leave the marriage. Also you dated in high school move on. He is married and wants a booty call from you (wife go bye bye). At the end of the date she will find the misery she seeks if she doesn't get help for her real problems.
Her ex cheated on her and then dumped her because of his family?
After all these years I doubt that her feelings for her ex are those of genuine love. Its more nostalgia and ego. She feels reassured that she is after all worthy. If you have been dumped and someone comes back, you know the feeling. Your heart seems to be completely mended by the same person that broke it. But from personal and many experiences I have observed these rebounds are rarely successful.
Someone puts you through so much pain and they come back much later when you have recovered or somewhat recovered and moved on just to take you backwards. Its a very bad idea. I would want to see such a person just to get complete closure on the matter but not to be with them. How does she expect to ever trust this guy again?
And race is very important. Some white men with a Black Nanny complex may look at the Black woman as one to heal them from whatever misfortunues they encountered on the way. They still don't see you as an equal. If he didn't appreciate you the first time, what is it that could have changed him?
What happens when this White Male no longer needs your "services"?
I actually think she should see him to answer those questions and completely close the chapter. It will be worse if she doesn't see him because she will forever remain restless and he will keep coming back to bug her and that will put alot more pressure on her marriage. I am speaking from experience BTW.
Such people know how to time when someone is most vulnerable and by avoiding him now he will keep bugging her she will eventually confuse persistence for affection and give in to him thus ruining her marriage ultimately. She needs to see this guy as soon as possible and resolve the issue.
Seeing him will show her what his underlying motive is which I suspect is not genuine and she will see him for what he really is, an entiled White Male using a Black Woman.
Is it really possible to have feelings today for someone you have seen in nearly a decade?! People do change especially during the period from adolescence to early adulthood. It seems to me her "feelings" are actually just old memories that won't go away and she wants to see meet up with her ex in hopes that the spark between them is really still there.
Her teen years are over there's no reason to trash a workable marriage based on her teenage 'relationship' with a lying cheat. It's time to grow up, forget the ex and see if her marriage is still salvagable.
She and her husband feel more like friends, huh?! There's nothing wrong with her taking the initiative to stir a little romance and passion into her marriage; but the truth is, no matter who she ends up with, the intense passion experienced early on in a relationship wanes with time anyway.
She should work out issues with her husband before they have kids.Jonesing for an ex while being with someone signals that she is not happy in her relationship, especially if the ex seems like an ass. She also should leave her ex alone. No one who wasn't proud to show you off and bring you meet his family is just an idiot. If I have had racist white guys do that for me, then she can have someone do that for her.
I think she needs to leave her cowardly ex alone. He still sounds like a jackass. Still hiding her. I hope she doesn't start seeing him.
SIMONE
It sounds like the woman is romanticizing a high school relationship. A relationship that ended with her boyfriend cheating. And it sounds like this boyfriend, isn’t leaving/divorcing his wife. Instead, he wants to be ‘friends’, which will eventually become ‘friends with benefits’. So the cheated on will become the cheater. Very sad.
If she doesn’t love her husband and doesn’t think the marriage can work, she should divorce him. Her husband deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with him.
It may be that she has movie/fantasy ideas about marriage and has become bored with the real thing. If she wants to make her marriage work, she could suggest counseling.
I can’t help but think of the arranged marriages of 100 years ago. They didn’t start as love marriage, but still became successful marriages.
She should stay with her husband. Meeting up will only unleash feelings that will be unresolved, it might be exciting temporarily but is likely to end up a damaging and hurtful affair as the ex is quite consistent in his regard for his family and wanting to keep it all secret which is the opposite of the young Lady's position. The grass is always greener until you actually get the other side asnd see the large and extending patches of green.Some thing are bett left to the distant lense of memory.
I think the two (ex and woman) belong to each other. Save everyone else the sufferings.
did u get my comment?
I feel sorry for this My heart goes out to this woman. I don't mean that in a condescending way. I've been confused at times in relationships just as she is now. The issues with her marriage need to be addressed. The ex is a different issue that, in my opinion, shouldn't even be on the table. The man's married. He's not in divorce proceedings. He's not available. Period. He's looking for a roll in the hay. She shouldn't run from one unhappy situation to what will surely be a moment of being used by someone else. I wish her the best in sorting through all of her feelings.
I agree with most comments here. She should work on her marriage instead.
If I was married and my wife told me she wanted to meet her ex and that she still had feelings for him I would say: "Goodbye". I would expect the same from my wife if I told her that I wanted to meet an ex I had feelings for...
Why are people married if they don't love eachother?
Siditty said:
I mention race, because race was mentioned in the email, but personally I feel race is irrelevant in this matter.
Menelik asks:
then why mention race at all? If you deam it a complete non-issue, why the merest of mentions?
Menelik Charles
London England
ps are you, perchance, a fan of inter-racial romantic fiction?
She needs to stay with her family instead of getting together with an ex who is married. She doesn't sound too bright.
then why mention race at all? If you deam it a complete non-issue, why the merest of mentions?
Please read again:
"I mention race, because race was mentioned in the email"
Siditty,
I wonder if this woman figured that since you are in an IR you would agree with her nonsense wrapped in an IR package.
1- her (black) husband should ponder what he got himself into by marrying her. Think about it... She's got some nerve asking her HUSBAND if he minds her seeing an ex whom she clearly has feelings for. I'm quite sure she would have pitched a fit if the shoe were on the other foot.
2- this white guy annoys me to no end. Cheating men are the reason why I decided years ago to remain single. I am probably overreacting but still... I know this isn't about race but I don't see white men as being any more moral in that regard. I'm quite sure this white sleezebag in question has cheated on his wife many times over.
There is a small chance that that their motives are pure...just to get together with an old sweetheart with no intention to get intimate. But even in that case, there is a good chance for passion to override good intentions. This is especially true since they seem to have unresolved business.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Wow, I can feel for this woman in many ways, but the ex is not an option. He will hurt her in the end if she decides to be with him again.
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