I for a short while was working at a place, where there was a 19 year old girl working there in a full time capacity. This was a non profit type of place and I know for sure she wasn't making jack, and the place didn't offer benefits. Things as it were, made it seem she was trying to do some good with her life. Then enter a conversation I had with her about her boyfriend. Her boyfriend wanted a child. They had been together on and off since high school, and I looked at her and asked her did she want a child, as I told her point blank at 19, I wasn't ready to birth babies. I was off in the club and going to live shows, and being a harlot at all hours of the night. Not to mention I was broke as a joke in college. I then said more power to you, if you can afford to take care of yourself, you guys want to get married, and you got your own place, I guess now is a good as time as any to have a baby. Then she told me, they weren't engaged, and she lived with her mother.
In my mind if you live with momma and daddy, don't have a ring on your finger, and you and the boyfriend are on and off, you don't need a baby, but in hindsight being 20/20, it dawned on me, in her world that is normal. Her older cousin also worked there. She was 40, unmarried with a 21 year old son. She was a grandmother, as her son had a child. Her son was also single. The concept of marriage or waiting until you are older to have a child isn't something encouraged in her family. The 40 year old woman didn't make much either, she had a car, but she was living from place to place and was basically staying with her ex boyfriend because he would take in her and her son rent free. Why her 21 year old son was living with her, I am not sure. No one was making much money. No one went to school beyond high school. This is the "norm" in her life. In my life, not so much. My mother told me she didn't feel like raising grandchildren, she was very clear that I should be financially stable and married to have a child. My father was very much the same. I think he would have been excited if I became a lesbian, I think my college years were stressful on him.
Now I found this story. Apparently a lot of single, college educated, career successful black women in their 30s are looking to adopt children. Per the story, these women haven't found Mr. Right, but they still want kids. I understand that. There are tons of black children in the foster care system that need homes, and if there are people willing to adopt these children, I say wonderful, but now we have to address the issue of single mother's adopting kids. Now more black children are being raised by single mothers, which on the whole we have condemned and blamed for one of the biggest issues of the black community.
So should black women, regardless of background, financially stability, education, or age be raising or encouraging the raising of children without fathers? I will say that, I found the story of 30 something black woman adopting a positive thing, but the concept of a 19 year old trying to have a baby appalling.
18 comments:
Um...I'm about 19 myself and I sure as hell know I don't want no kids right now! Then I'm a Pre-Med major too that would be like suicidal for me! My mom and dad already told me that your baby and your responsibility and I'm not raising anymore children. I'm like you I was encouraged to marry before I had children. Now I also said if I wasn't married or engaged or in a serious relationship that could lead to marriage by the time I was 38 I'm going to the sperm bank and have a child or adopt if that's not an option. But by then I should be a full-fledged doctor or Geneticist so I'll be able to take care of a baby on my own. Though I much rather prefer to have a hubby at home.
I think that if your #1 goal is to have a child then adoption is an option and preferable to giving birth out of wedlock and dealing with the drama of parenting with some guy that doesn't want to be a full time parent because if he did he would have married you.
However if your #1 goal is to be married that I'd advise against adopting while single because most singles do not want to be with single parents. I do not thing black women should be rushing out to raise other people's babies, this just contributes to them being the mules of the world.
I do not believe these men who claim they can be full time parents to children they do not share a home with. At best they are a part time parent and are not there to provide and protect for their child as much as they should be. I grew up with a father I saw on the weekends and yes he loved me but if I had a nightmare at 2 am on a Wednesday he was not there. If I went home sick from school he did not have permission to pick me up as the non custodial parent. These things matter, fathers matter, and the parent that lives with a child has the greatest influence.
As for the 19 year old coworker, it is true that most people do not have the vision to see beyond the experience of their family and their peers. It takes a lot to come from that sort of background and decide, I'm going to go away to college and I'm not going to have kids until I'm married, or independent or not a teenager. If someone have not seen these sort of examples in their life they might as well not exist.
I always wanted to be married before I had kids. Even though at age 34 I'm not over the hill, but I know that as time marches on and I am still single, the chance of me getting to actually give birth to children will get less and less. I am starting to honestly think about becoming a single parent by either adopting or finding a donor. I am not giving up on meeting someone--I really hope that I do meet a wonderful guy (and I'm not one of those "waiting for a black man" women either. I date interracially as well)I have to have my backup plan if he doesn't materialize. If I'm a grown woman who takes supports herself and has a great family support system in place, I see no problem in choosing single motherhood as an option. It's really no one's business how I become a parent. Maybe this will all be a moot point, but it's good to have options out there.
I will admit it. I did not even read the article yet, mostly because I just got off of work and am tired. I could not help but comment on the sistahs hair in the pic. I love it. That is exactly how I want my hair. Gorgeous.
This really hits home. I read the same article or a similar one, a week or so ago. I am in my mid-thirties, single and broke as a joke but I really want to have kids, but no Mr. Right or Mr. Anything in sight and I am really starting to get worried. I used to not think about it too much, but now that my 36th birthday is a month away I am really getting scared. Part of me says, wait longer, get your money right and adopt, but part of me wants MY BLOOD and MY GENES to raise. I saw my Mom raise me from the age of 4 onwards as a single Mom and once I was 7 Dad stopped paying support and was like a 3 or 4 times a year presence if that, so I know it is hard. I remember a friend, who isn't really maternal but would be a great Mom for a teen to keep them in line but doesn't seem like she'd be good with a small child (she yelled at another friend's 3 year old within 5 mins of being around him b/c he wouldn't listen), saying about 5 or 6 years ago saying she was thinking of getting a donor. I told her being a single parent is super hard and advised her against it. Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. This really eats away at me. I am open to all men of all races, but DC is a haarrd town despite being "choclate city" for many of us black college educated ladies. I'm thinking of putting on a t-shirt that says "Nice girl, well educated, looking for similar in Dude, all races may apply" I guess that would be tacky and smack of desparation, eh? Then again, I'm not working too hard to look these days out of frustration and being overwhelmed with the stats I keep hearing that flucuate between 40-70 of BW being unmarried or never married. Sigh. I keep trying to resign, while still resigning myself, to turning into an old cat lady (I'm almost 6 feet so little doesn't apply).
HOneyBee, I was thinking like you when I turned about 28. I was all prepared to be a single mom and did not care what other people thought about it. I started wondering if it would be unfair to my kid if I brought them into a world and not have a father for them. But then I thought what if I waited to have a baby with a partner and they still bailed? Well I am 36 now and I really don't want children, although I do love them. I think about a little girl from time to time, but I just don't think a kid would fit into my life anymore. I am pretty content without kids. Most of my friends around my age don't have kids and do not want them. All career women like myself. I wish you all the luck in the world at whatever you choose. Who knows, what the future holds? You could end up with the hubby of your dreams and wonderful children. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
SIMONE
Did you see the part in the article where it said that the women were adopting only light-skinned babies?
According to the article, one lady actually refused to adopt a baby because she said it was too dark-skinned and would ruin her family photos.
SMDH
@SugaBelly: Yeah I saw that mess! SMDH indeed. That's ridiculous.
I remember thinking about this when people were getting on Erykah Badu for having 3 kids out of wedlock. My response was, "well, if she can afford to take care of those kids without a husband, and none of those guys were right for her, why not?" Now, I don't think that a husband is just a second income. I think it's important for children to grow up with a father as well as a mother, but if you can handle it, not having you're Mr. Right when you're ready to have kids doesn't mean that you won't find him later in life. (Side note: The only light-skinned babies is disturbing, however).
The problem has never been that single Black women are raising children on their own. The problem has always been that poor, under-/uneducated single Black women with few, if any, prospects for upward mobility are raising children on their own.
Their children, in turn, perpetuate a self-defeating prophecy. Simply put, they don't know any better, and spread their ignorance to future generations. Yes, there are exceptions to this sad tale, but for the most part, those in the gutter will stay in the gutter until someone in the family breaks the cycle.
To be honest, it hardly makes a difference whether the Fathers are present or not, in those situations.
My Mother was widowed at 30, only a few months after my birth. She was a single Black Mother, but she was also financially stable and had obtained a Doctorate. While it is never an easy task to rear a child solo--- regardless of race or socioeconomic standing--- my Mother had resources and, more importantly, solid prospects. She had the ability to adapt to changes in her life, in the national economy, etc., and to meet my needs and desires as I grew into adulthood.
Whether we like to admit it or not, money (along with education) makes all the difference.
I have chosen not to have children, but I do understand why more women (not just Black women) are adopting. It seems that women, in general, are spending less time on marriage and romance in pursuit of different goals, and many simply feel a mate is no longer necessary, or that waiting for one will limit their ability to have the family they desire. I'm not certain yet how I feel about this--- I have never been convinced that a two-parent household is "absolutely" better--- but it's certainly a better option than what the 19-year-old you discussed has chosen.
@ Simone
Thanks for the kind words. Like I said, this may all be a moot point--I may get wrapped up in work or go back to school and decide to forget the whole kid and marriage thing and be totally OK with that, who knows? I do see myself as being a parent and I hope that works out for me, Until then, I leave it up to God... You are lucky to have friends in your similar situation because it is hard when you are the only or one of the few childless people in your social circle. To the 19 y.o. that Siditty was talking about, I want to shake her so bad! The guy she's with doesn't seem to have any prospects and she doesn't even know who she is as a person yet. If she follows through on her plan, she's going to wake up one day and 10-15 yrs and 3 children later, she will see many missed opportunities in her life. At 19, I was in college, partying on the weekends with my friends, working for a little pocket change and just doin' me. I think every woman should live on her own for a good long while before hurrying to shack up with someone. There is no guarantee the "right one" is out there for anybody. You just have to make sure you are fine with yourself just in case he's not.
Ronia said: Whether we like to admit it or not, money (along with education) makes all the difference.
Money, education, etc. makes some difference.
A friend had a child at 33. She had a graduate degree, a middle income job, and the support of her extended family. She's someone who always wanted 4 or 5 kids and thought that single motherhood would be ok because she had all those other things going for her. I had doubts.
8 years later my friend would tell you that raising a male child alone is hard. Harder than it would be with a decent partner. Even when grandparents and extended family help.
Now it is one thing to accept being a single parent when you've always wanted children and find yourself pregnant in a less than ideal situation. But to plan for it?
What are the social and emotional consequences of purposeful single parenthood, either via adoption or getting pregnant by the wrong guy? What are the consequences for the child? For the mother? For black women as a group? Are they worth it?
What is the message (to children of both genders and society in general) when large numbers of black women operate as if fathers (who are appropriately and actively involved in their children's lives) are optional, and motherhood (at any cost to them selves and the child) is more important that cultivating healthy romantic relationships?
How are black children ever going to learn how to have healthy long term romantic relationships if they don't see their parent(s) or their friends parent(s) engaged in them?
How are black women as a group going to have healthy long term relationships if our community operates socialized 19 year old women to already think about what will happen if they aren't married by 38?
How are black women as a group going to have healthy long term relationships if our community operates socialized 19 year old women to already think about what will happen if they aren't married by 38?
BING-freakin-O. Nail, head.
Why are 19-year old black women even in the position where they have to worry about not being married by 38?
We are normalizing long-term and permanent singleness in the black community. This is a serious problem.
We are normalizing long-term and permanent singleness in the black community. This is a serious problem.
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I don't think we are normalizing it because it's something black women are striving for. I think black women like myself and others are being realistic. Alot of people nowadays seem to be choosing singlehood because people we look to for mates don't necessarily have the same values about relationships as myself or others may have. Lets be real, alot of people treat marriage like it is totally expendable. You don't like the way someone sleeps, you gain ten pounds, or you leave the bathroom lid up. People divorce. People don't know how to work through things nowadays or they just don't want to. You date and you date and you date and you meet loser after loser. You start to rethink relationships vs singlehood. To all the 19 year olds reading this. Be careful, don't rush. I am making it sound impossible but I am speaking from my own experiences. Open your options to all races of men. Pay attention to the way he listens, how he talks to you. Make sure he is patient. Watch how he treats other people, animals. Look at how he views world affairs. PAY ATTENTION. Make sure he does not have a crazy ass family because they will become your crazy ass family if you choose to marry the guy. Just be as careful as you can be when choosing a life partner.
I think black people for the most part don't have alot of long term realtionships because we don't treat each other well in the first place. That is sad to me. I am not EVEN saying white relationships are the best, because so many and I mean so many are just in the toilet. I know some black relationships that are doing well, but alot are not.My freinds and I have grown up witnessing more relationships not working between blacks than not. We still kept hope alive, but as you get older and you see that you are not in the relationship you hoped for by the time you are 25,27,30. You have to reroute your thinking and replan, especially if you want children. I am just trying to be reallistic. I was never going to settle for any guy just because I wanted a family. Never. I would be divorced by now. I have been proposed to atleast three times. None of those guys would have been there for the long haul. They were just good enough for short term as it turns out. Anyone does well short term. That is why I tell my niece. Don't just limit yourself to your own race open your options to include other races of men as well. You don't want to sit around waiting on black men to marry you the way so many black women are doing. I feelit's their choice, but alot of them want families and are hitting a crucial point in their reproductive lives and still want husbands and losing eggs. It's sad really. Its more complex than just preparing 19 yearolds for singlehood by 38. It's much more to it.
I think black women like myself and others are being realistic. Alot of people nowadays seem to be choosing singlehood because people we look to for mates don't necessarily have the same values about relationships as myself or others may have. Its more complex than just preparing 19 yearolds for singlehood by 38. It's much more to it.
I guess I'm a believer in designing one's own reality and I chose not to accept the idea that reality as a black woman means that I might never marry. Nope, not gonna do it.
I do recognize the difficulty in today's society of forming and creating long-term and lasting relationships. We live in a world of me, me, me and instant gratification. People don't want to stick things out for the long haul.
But that doesn't mean that if I or any woman desires marriage and a family, that she has to "settle" for singlehood if that's NOT what she wants. She just might have to put in a little more work to find that type of man that shares her values, but being "realistic" and settling for a life that one doesn't want is not the answer.
And yes, that is normalizing singleness.
By the way, I am 31 and still not married, so I have been in the game for a minute and do completely understand the frustration. But I also think I wasted time in my 20s preparing for the "What if I don't find anyone?" possibility, instead of working that much harder to make sure that I DID find someone to build a life with.
So I'm playing catch up... which means getting out of the mindset that I might spend a lifetime being single if I don't truly want to be. I believe that one's statement of intention can truly be very powerful.
I think black women like myself and others are being realistic. Alot of people nowadays seem to be choosing singlehood because people we look to for mates don't necessarily have the same values about relationships as myself or others may have. Its more complex than just preparing 19 yearolds for singlehood by 38. It's much more to it.
I guess I'm a believer in designing one's own reality and I chose not to accept the idea that reality as a black woman means that I might never marry. Nope, not gonna do it.
I do recognize the difficulty in today's society of forming and creating long-term and lasting relationships. We live in a world of me, me, me and instant gratification. People don't want to stick things out for the long haul.
But that doesn't mean that if I or any woman desires marriage and a family, that she has to "settle" for singlehood if that's NOT what she wants. She just might have to put in a little more work to find that type of man that shares her values, but being "realistic" and settling for a life that one doesn't want is not the answer.
And yes, that is normalizing singleness.
By the way, I am 31 and still not married, so I have been in the game for a minute and do completely understand the frustration. But I also think I wasted time in my 20s preparing for the "What if I don't find anyone?" possibility, instead of working that much harder to make sure that I DID find someone to build a life with.
So I'm playing catch up... which means getting out of the mindset that I might spend a lifetime being single if I don't truly want to be. I believe that one's statement of intention can truly be very powerful.
I'm so excited that you brought-up this topic, as it has been weighing heavily on my mind recently. I'm a 30 (soon to be 31) year old, college-educated, professional black woman. I'm also single and very discouraged about my prospects for finding a mate. I've had a few disappointing relationships, in addition to one failed marriage, and I'm not sure that I really care to be married again. I do, however, have a strong desire to be a parent. Now that I am in my 30s its has become a pressing issue for me, and also my mother. Most of her friends have already become grandparents and my mother loves babies and I know she would like at least one grandchild of her own and I think she may be losing hope, which makes me sad and anxious. Also, I dread social situations with family and close family friends since the issue of me being childless always seems to surface (either expressly or by intimation). Unfortunately, in our community its downright odd for a 30-year old woman to not have at least 1 child. So, I feel the pressure. But besides that, I do genuinely want a child and believe I have a lot to offer as a parent. My dilemma now is, considering my dismal relationship prospects, how do I go about it? I've considered sperm donation/in-vitro but I worry about how I will explain this to my child when s/he is older and what type of social and psychological impact it will have. I've also considered adoption and I think there is a real need there. If I go that route I will most likely seek a child from the Caribbean, as that is my background and I believe the need there is often overlooked. The third option would be to try to find [any] remotely desirable guy and hook up, but that is just too risky and messy, in my opinion. I'm giving myself a few more years to figure it out, but, yes it looks like for many women like myself, choosing single parenthood out of a lack of better options, will be a growing trend.
I guess I don't necessarily think being single is abnormal. Relationships and marriage are socially constructed ideas. You can be happy being single. I do understand that some people have a strong need to be with another person, but I also believe that it is possible to live a fulfilled single life. How do you explain so many people who are single and happy with that status? Ofcourse anything can change. I know I may get alot of flack for believing that being single can be okay, but I don't care. I don;t allow society to dictate how I live. Not when it's not paying my bills, employing me and will not guarantee my happiness. It's true you don't have to be single, but for now I am actually okay with it and do not believe I will be single forever. I am just not depressed about it. I have a fulfilled life so when a guy comes along atleast he will not have some
needy incomplete person who has been sitting around just waiting on him.
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